The Dangers of Hazing and Bullying
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ah
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i was headed to orlando on a business
trip about two years ago
when my family dropped me off at the
airport my middle child
colin on the left hopped out of the car
grabbed my suitcase and
rolled it over to me so we could say
goodbye
colin was headed back to college the
next day and we knew we wouldn’t see
each other
until he came home again for
thanksgiving in a couple of weeks
we stood at passenger drop-off and i
held him for the longest time
because my mom taught me that the mom
never breaks the hug first
i told him i loved him and that i
couldn’t wait to see him again
at thanksgiving a few days after i
returned from that trip
i was sound asleep in my bed and i heard
a knock at the door
i answered and there were two police
officers
and a third man in plain clothing when i
learned he was the chaplain
i knew exactly what was going on
two of my five children were upstairs
sound asleep
but three of them lived away from home
i immediately asked which one of my
children is it
they insisted i get my husband and when
i did they
stepped in the house and began reciting
the worst
words any parent could ever have to hear
on behalf of the dublin police
department we regret to inform you that
at 3 am this morning
your son colin wyant was found
unresponsive at 45 mill street in athens
ohio
we knew that address immediately we knew
it was the address of collins fraternity
house and that’s all we knew
in the months that followed we began to
learn more about the details that led to
colin’s death
and we learned that for the last weeks
of colin’s life
colin was beaten belted
waterboarded forced drugs
colin was hazed i set out
to learn about hazing i was in a
sorority in college
and my husband wasn’t a fraternity but
neither of us had ever
experienced any hazing so i started
reading about hazing
and studying about hazing before i knew
it i was teaching about hazing
to thousands of students at universities
across the country
and i was going to capitol hill to lobby
for anti-hazing reform with my daughter
and other parents who’ve lost a child to
hazing
and i was drafting ohio’s anti-hazing an
anti-bullying bill called
collins law i was thrown into this whole
new world of things that were completely
unfamiliar to me just
months prior and i learned that hazing
affects people we would never think of
when we look at groups in college that
haze
number one on the list is varsity
athletics
it’s also prevalent in performing arts
and marching bands
and honor societies in high school
it’s in sports music theater
and church groups hazing’s not just
in the united states there are hazing
deaths across
the globe we don’t realize it’s
widespread nature because the only time
we hear about hazing
is when there’s a death and it makes the
news
but that’s just the tip of the iceberg
what you’re not seeing are
all the kids who are traumatized by
hazing
in different ways the one and a half
million
high school students who are hazed every
year
the 55 percent of college students
in clubs teams and organizations
who are hazed and don’t report it
hazing’s only reported 5
of the time if you think that’s
surprising
think about how often bullying goes
unreported in our schools
or sexual harassment or discrimination
at both work and school
so who are these kids who are being
hazed
and don’t report it when we hear a story
in the news
about a hazing death we immediately
think of how horribly sad
and tragic that is but
if you’re like i was there’s something
else you may be thinking
something you wouldn’t dare say to me
that the truth is these are the kids
with low self-esteem no
backbone they’re weak they’re needy
they can’t stand up for themselves
otherwise
they would have walked away you’d say
all the things
i would have said before my own son died
from hazing since then
i’ve learned a lot see if you ask people
who knew colin
you would hear that he was strong both
physically
and mentally he was an athlete he was
smart he was a leader he was pledge
class president
he was independent so much so that ever
since he was little
it was the running joke of our family
that he always marched to the beat of a
different drummer without a care of what
anyone else was doing
you would hear that he stood up for
himself and
one of his most defining qualities that
he always stood up for others
a few days after colin died when our
family gathered around the kitchen
island to write his obituary
the first thing my kid said had to be in
it was that colin always
stood up for the underdog
each year people we would never expect
die from hazing from boy scouts
to football players from student nurses
to scholars at mit recently a green
beret soldier died in a choke hold
from hazing when i think of a green
beret
soldier i think of the epitome of
strength
and courage i don’t think of someone
who’s weak
or needy or trying to fit in i don’t
think of someone who’s susceptible to
fall prey to hazing
yet no matter how strong we are each of
us has a
huge need to belong
for thousands of years we relied on
belonging for
our survival whether we were building
shelter or hunting for food
our survival rate was higher if we were
part of a group
than if we were alone studies show that
the social pain we
feel when we’re rejected creates a
response in our neural processing
like the response caused from physical
pain
we literally feel pain when we’re
deprived social connection
our brains are hard wired to belong
so we’re accustomed to doing things to
belong that’s used in hazing in a way
that’s a very
slow build it has to be or it wouldn’t
work
right i mean think about it imagine that
you’re a freshman in college
and you’re considering joining a
fraternity so you attend the campus
event where prospective members meet
fraternity members
you start chatting with a few people
from one of the fraternities and think
they’re pretty cool maybe i’ll come back
to the next event and just as you’re
leaving one of them stops you and says
oh
hey wait a minute by the way i’m gonna
need you to do my laundry
tonight and run errands for me
all week i’ll need you to make my meals
i’m gonna tie you up scream at you throw
things at you make you eat disgusting
items and after that we’re
to be great friends
if it actually went like that people
would walk away so
how are these kids going from meeting a
total stranger
to months later letting that stranger
tie them up in a basement
it’s something called creeping normality
that’s when objectionable change is
accepted if it occurs
in small increments hazing starts with
something that seems to be a small
harmless act something that’s completely
benign no danger associated with it like
having to carry brick with you
everywhere you go
then you’re having to scrub floors with
a toothbrush
next you’re denied personal hygiene
before you know it you’re on call
24 hours a day to perform tasks for
members
you’re sleep deprived you’re kidnapped
under the guise of fun blindfolded
paddled beaten forced alcohol until you
pass out
when the hazing starts it’s something
that just makes you feel a little
awkward
then embarrassed as it builds you start
to wonder
am i being oversensitive overreacting
then it goes beyond uncomfortable you’re
not sure if this is hazing
but you start to wonder you don’t know
whose fault it is because
you’ve agreed to everything so far
before you know it
you’re in too deep you’re humiliated by
your participation so you just
white-knuckled out because you know it’s
almost over
and what can you do about it anyhow how
are you going to report you don’t have
any proof you don’t have enough evidence
if you push back and refuse the hazing
you know the retribution will be extreme
if you walk out you’re a coward and you
just
lost your social connection
you’re completely isolated so you’re
shamed
into staying and you’re shamed into
keeping quiet
that’s how hazing progresses from
embarrassing to humiliating to degrading
to dangerous
and sometimes deadly
it’s been two years since i received
that knock at my door
since then i have vowed to do everything
i can to prevent another family from
experiencing the pain and loss
my family has experienced i know that is
going to take more than
educating people about hazing i know
that
is going to take courage courage on this
part of students to speak up and report
hazing
to their organization’s leadership to
school administration
to campus and school security and when
there’s immediate danger
to call 911 without any hesitation
there was a 12 minute delay before 9-1-1
was called for colin
otherwise he could be here today
it is going to call for courage on the
part of
all faculty sponsors administrators
and coaches to have zero tolerance for
hazing
because using embarrassment and shame
and ridicule
as the gateway to group membership is
the path that leads to the use of pain
abuse and assault it’s going to take
courage on the part of university
officials
to mandate that organizations provide
their members with anti-hazing education
prior to recruiting any new members and
that perspective members complete
anti-hazing education prior to
participating in any type
of recruitment process it’s going to
take courage on the part of more
legislators to increase penalties for
hazing
so law enforcement and legal authorities
can treat hazing allegations
as seriously as other crimes like
domestic violence
that use emotional manipulation to keep
their victims silent
and uses the appearance of consent to
keep outsiders from interfering
and last it’s going to take courage from
all of us
to ask the uncomfortable questions of
those groups
when we suspect hazing’s taken place
before colin left for college i actually
talked to him about hazing even though
at the time
he wasn’t planning on joining a
fraternity
if i could go back to that conversation
i would want him to know that hazing
builds
so slowly you’re unaware
it’s even happening i would want him to
know
that when new members are separated out
from existing members and asked to do
things differently in a way that you
wouldn’t
otherwise choose that’s the minute
hazing’s begun that’s the minute
you leave
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you