How Baking Helped Save My Life
[Music]
the first time i had a panic attack was
in the middle
of the night i shot up out of bed threw
my covers off and frantically tried to
reach my bedroom door
my heart pounding loud i was becoming
light-headed i sat on the floor
my back against my bed and thought this
was it i was about to die
and zac efron would never know how much
i loved him
living with anxiety disorders because um
you know that i have
more than one is not something i thought
i would be able to do
i fought it every step of the way
i would disassociate i would avoid i
would stay silent
i’d rather feel like a prisoner in my
own head than seek help
i lived in the what if limbo what if i
never succeed
what if i can’t be loved what if i’m
judged mocked
what if no one understood panic attacks
generalized anxiety and ptsd
weave their way into my life at stores
restaurants
airplanes on dates that one’s really fun
even at school
let me tell you having a panic attack in
the middle of a psychology class
though vary on brand for me still haunts
me
i’ve been sitting at my desk because my
heart started racing my body
shaking i began breathing erratically
and i knew i had to get out
if crawling out of my skin had been an
option i would have taken it
that’s the day i really learned that our
ignorance about mental health
leaves a little space for compassion
little space for empathy
that’s also the same moment i began
hating my disorders which
inevitably led to hating a part of
myself i was physically
and emotionally exhausted always
uncomfortable unsafe
scared my brain was like a broken radio
stuck on one terrible station playing
the same
annoyingly catchy song over and over and
over again
and of course it was high school so
teenagers didn’t let it go
they laughed and made jokes and i forced
myself to laugh along with them like
um yeah hi how crazy am i oh my god so
crazy yes
i internalized every word and carried
those stigmas with me
what no one knew was that inside i
begged myself to stop
to be normal i thought if i tried hard
enough i could get rid of my anxiety
disorders
i’ll let you in on a little secret you
can’t
that particular afternoon i’d gone home
feeling defeated
i tried deep breathing distractions
anything to try and distance the
impending panic
so i made cookies i took all my angst my
sadness
my anger my shame and i put it into
those cookies
i was able to take something ugly and
painful
and mix it up and make something full of
goodness and beauty
and it didn’t hurt that they tasted
delicious
baking quickly became a tool i could
always use to find control
in a rather uncontrollable mind most
importantly though
i just felt better it brought my body
and mind
relief so the next time i felt scared
and out of control
i baked again i still had anxiety i
still had panic attacks i still went to
lots
and lots of therapy but i also baked
and this is how it helped save my life
i’m sure some of you know how baking can
help with daily anxiety
given i can buy flour for weeks when
quarantine first began
well good news to all my fellow anxious
bakers
in 2018 a review article in the journal
of health education and behavior looked
at multiple small studies that show
links between cooking
and psychological well-being in other
words keep
that bread coming or venture into new
territory
when i first started out i was
determined to make macarons
now i was told they would be incredibly
difficult and wouldn’t work
and they were right they didn’t work but
i still tried again
and those were worse by the fifth time i
finally made edible ones and that’s when
i discovered
i don’t like macarons but i wasn’t
frustrated with myself
i was proud and i know you might be
thinking this woman was proud because
she made
macarons but it wasn’t just the result
it was
the action of trying something new i was
so proud of and i didn’t care that i
failed four other times i didn’t care
what anyone thought
trust me that was a new feeling i know
that trying something new
can be risky it may seem bigger more
gravity if it doesn’t go well
but the rewards could be the same level
of accomplishing your
own macron and maybe it’s not food-based
maybe you go for that promotion maybe
you turn your phone off and disappear
into self-care
or you call that therapist and it
changes your life
and that’s incredible my high anxiety
friends out there know that’s not
something you just wake up and do
in the u.s alone there are 40 million
adults with an anxiety disorder
it’s the most common mental illness in
the country but you might not have known
that
because we don’t talk about it we cast
mental illness into
a negative light and the stigmas follow
you’re broken
you’re weak it’s not real you’re crazy
but i i am not a stigma i am not here to
be the crazy girl from your psych class
i am a daughter a sister an aunt a dog
mom
friend chocolate lover who loves to bake
i am human
i may make mistakes but i am not broken
i am not weak and i am here to tell you
the cultural shift the challenging of
stigmas can start with your own
acknowledgement of your
own bias then take steps to change
the next time your friend tells you that
they’re going to therapy don’t respond
with the ever annoying
why oh my god what’s wrong instead
encourage them encourage them like you
would if they told you they were going
for a promotion
celebrate their decision like you would
if they told you that they got that job
be there because sometimes we all need
support
asking for help is terrifying and
anxiety inducing
i mean i had a panic attack when i told
my mom the scariest three words
i need help and she did what i couldn’t
first
she understood me through my incredibly
loud sobs
then she found me a specialist heck she
even made the appointment for me
sometimes you can go it alone and
sometimes it takes a village
it’s always okay that first day in my
therapist’s office
the fear i had been feeling the
apprehension the judgment
it was met with compassion the feelings
the actions were validated
i was enough i was enough when i
panicked every night for a week straight
i was enough even when i didn’t believe
it as i stand here
on this stage scared i might trip on
this rug i know
even if i land flat on my face i’m still
enough despite my awareness and
sometimes understanding of my disorders
there are still days when i need a
little extra help
baking provides me with a healthy outlet
for expressing emotions
and a control that is all mine
unfortunately
control isn’t always guaranteed in life
that’s one thing that my mind
really really hates when i survive
stalking and sexual assault
my anxiety ptsd and panic disorder were
amplified
i had fought for my life only only to
live in complete isolation
the inability to cope with the smallest
changes drove me to a place of solitude
to a place of silence and i never
expected to leave
i was paralyzed by a frantic need for
control
i always had to sit with my back towards
a wall at the end of a table
i had to know where an exit was at all
times i was labeled as high strung
paranoid called crazy unstable
their judgments inflamed my worst
thoughts about myself
and so i fell back into the what if
limbo what if it was my fault
what if i’m judged not believed what if
i can’t survive this
what if no one understands my therapist
encouraged me toward mindfulness-based
treatments yoga
meditation journaling you name it i’ve
probably tried it
but really she just wanted me to bake
again she would show me photos of things
her and her mom had made and i think it
was her dedicated determination that led
me back
i had stayed away from baking for a year
but found myself collecting ingredients
one afternoon
there was a tight knot in my stomach and
a lump in my throat
but i pushed forward slowly taking back
control that i thought was lost
i cried the entire time as i baked those
cookies
i forgot to set a timer and they burned
so i cried a little harder
i put the next batch in and continued to
cry to just
let it out those cookies tasted
awful there was too much salt not enough
chocolate
they were in the oven for far too long
but i didn’t care
they were my power cookies when baking i
pay attention to myself in the moment
everything else becomes distant i
measure
pour stir in the midst of panic it’s my
natural routine
measurements are controlled and there’s
a structure to baking a complexity and
mindfulness that brings me peace
i can get lost in a focaccia and find my
way in between a tiered cake
the first time i got dumped i baked some
chocolate chip cookies
that time i let my friend color and cut
my hair pie didn’t fix it but it tasted
great
after my first diagnosis with an
autoimmune disease
banana bread seemed like the right
choice panic attack
first thing in the morning muffins
always
muffins the dude that told me i’d be
prettier if i were smaller
i made stuffed cupcakes some people like
some extra filling and those
those are my people anxiety just because
it’s a tuesday
i needed it out giving a talk on a stage
in front of cameras chocolate bunk cake
took some of my never good enough
feelings
right into the oven i understand not
every person will find safety and
comfort in baking like i have
i ask you give yourself and others a
shame free space they need to live
authentically
and unapologetically i ask you to
consider this to think
and feel more deeply whether intentional
or not
we need to confront our own preconceived
notions about mental health so we can
begin to move towards empathy
i ask you to be vulnerable to be honest
with how you feel because your feelings
do not make you weak we all have
off days days when we don’t measure up
and that’s okay
we have to forgive ourselves for what we
think is weakness
what we see as failure i learned to meet
this new part of me with compassion and
acceptance
some days i smile and some days i cry
some days i talk to my therapist twice
and some days
i put it all into a batch of cookies
thank you