4 tips to kickstart honest conversations at work Betsy Kauffman
Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier
Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz
I have two teenage boys.
One is 16 and one is 13.
And like most families
with multiple children,
they are completely different.
Both are wonderful and have
many great qualities about them,
however what really sets them apart
is that my older son
knows when to bite his tongue
and my young son, not so much.
You see, my younger son
really struggles with having a filter,
especially when it comes to speaking up
and saying exactly what’s on his mind.
About three years ago,
a bunch of kids and adults
in the neighborhood had come together
to work through a big conflict.
The kids were basically
at war with each other.
There were lots of tears,
screaming, shouting,
and I felt like we would never
get to a resolution.
When we were in the height of everything,
my younger son, in the most calm,
clear, matter-of-fact tone,
turned to another child and said,
“You know you were lying.
You know that’s not what happened.
It’s time to come clean
and tell everyone the truth.”
The entire group stopped.
They could not argue with him;
they could not dispute him.
His manner of delivery was so real
and so honest.
And I remember feeling
really proud of him in that moment,
because he had the courage
and the confidence to speak up.
And that moment
started getting me thinking.
Why as a society have we created
this fear to speak up,
especially in a group of our peers
or our coworkers?
Wouldn’t it be amazing
if you could tell your boss
that that project deadline
she put out there
is completely unreasonable?
And what about being able
to tell a coworker
that they’re being really difficult?
Now I know some of you are lucky enough
to be able to work in places
that value that kind
of openness and honesty,
however in my work as a leadership
and organizational coach,
I have to tell you that is not the norm.
I’ve observed hundreds of scenarios
and coached multiple people
through situations
where they are afraid to speak up,
they’re afraid to have those honest
conversations out in the open,
especially when they’re needed the most.
And you probably know
what I’m talking about:
you’re in meeting,
somebody pitches an idea,
not everyone agrees,
but no one says a word.
And then about two seconds later,
somebody picks up their cell phone
and begins sending a text message
to somebody else in the same meeting,
telling them how stupid the idea is.
And let’s not forget the proverbial
watercooler conversations.
As soon as the meeting over,
they rush over to a peer or
a group of coworkers
probably near a watercooler
and offer all kinds of opinions
about that meeting.
But the problem is
that it’s after the meeting
instead of during it.
So I’m on a mission.
I want to stop
the passive-aggressive texting
and start bringing the watercooler
conversations front and center.
I believe when we can start to have
these types of conversations,
it will change the dynamics
of how we all work together.
We’ll become more productive,
less fearful and even happier at work.
Now, I often get asked:
how do you muster up the courage
to have those kinds of conversations,
especially if you’re not
in a leadership position,
or you work in a place that does not
value that kind of openness and honesty?
And for me, it comes down
to a combination of four things:
confidence, intent,
delivery
and always striving to seek a solution.
So let me break those down for you.
The first one is confidence.
And I know – easier said than done.
However, I have a little trick
that I hope will help you.
The next time you’re in a meeting
and you want to speak up
but you’re feeling
a little nervous or anxious,
I would recommend you use what I call
“the Captain Obvious strategy.”
It goes something like this:
“Call me Captain Obvious,
but isn’t that solution not really
going to address our problem?”
By saying “Captain Obvious” out loud,
it basically adds
a little humor to the moment,
but it also does a check of the room
to see if anybody else is hearing,
seeing or feeling the same things.
And by having that confidence to speak up,
you then open the door to allow
others to have that same confidence.
Now you don’t always have to say
Captain Obvious out loud.
You can say it quietly in your head
right before you speak up,
kind of like you’re mentally
pumping yourself up before a big game.
Regardless of how you use this strategy,
confidence is the first step
in all of this.
So let’s move on to intent.
Intent is about having a purpose
and a reason to speak up.
Intent is about knowing and understanding
that by me speaking up,
I either want to work through a problem
or address a situation.
For example, when someone is being
really difficult in a meeting
and I call them out on it,
my intent is not to embarrass them.
My intent is to make them aware
that their behavior
is putting a strain on the group.
For my son, his intent
was that the truth be heard.
He wasn’t just calling
the other child a liar out of spite.
Well …
at least I don’t think he was.
He was only 10 at the time,
so I could be wrong.
However, his underlying intent
was that the truth be heard
so that we’d get to a resolution.
I feel when you go in
with a positive intent,
it’s much more likely that your message
will be received with an open mind.
Alright, let’s move onto the third step,
which is delivery.
Delivery is about how you frame
the actual message.
Delivery needs to be factual,
real – and when I say real,
I mean no sugarcoating
what you’re trying to say –
and it must always take
the receiver’s feelings into account.
Let me give an example.
Let’s say you’re working on a team
and you know there’s an individual
who just isn’t pulling their weight.
Everyone knows it because you talk
about this individual almost every day
at the watercooler,
but nobody wants to bring it up
in the larger group setting.
Then after several weeks of grumbling
and some serious loss in productivity,
you finally decide we need to have
a conversation as a larger group.
So let me show you
how the delivery should look.
“Hey team, we have not met
any of our commitments
over the past several weeks.”
Simple, direct, no sugarcoating situation.
And then you would continue:
“Hey team member, we’ve looked at the data
and we’ve realized that you have not
been able to meet your commitments
over the past three sprints.”
Factual. We have the data to show
these are our concerns
and why we’re having this conversation.
And now this is where we really want
to take the receiver’s
feelings into account.
“We’re concerned that you do not
have everything that you need
and that we need to do
something better to support you.”
Empathetic, caring,
and in my experience,
it almost always works.
When we’re able to have these types
of conversations out in the open,
it creates the environment where
the team feels more confident to speak up.
And in my past experience,
some of these teams have become
some of the highest-performing
teams in the company,
just by being able to have
those types of conversations.
Imagine that.
Now let’s move on
to the last piece of this,
which is always entering a conversation
with a mindset of wanting
to seek a solution.
And for me, that’s the piece
that I see that is missing the most.
How many of you have been in a meeting
and you work through a problem,
but you realize you’ve spent the entire
meeting hashing through the problem,
and then you get to end of it
and you need to schedule another meeting
just to work through solutions?
Yep, probably happens more
than we’d like to admit.
Let’s say you’re on a project,
and you know it’s a problem,
you’ve been slogging through it
with no end in sight.
So you call somebody into the room
that’s a little bit closer to the work,
hoping that you can understand
what the problems really are
and work through a solution.
But they come into the room
and this is what they say:
“This project is a disaster.
We do not have the people, the skills,
the resources or the technology
to get this done,
and we’re going to need
to spend a million more dollars
before we see it to the end.”
And then they leave the room.
So just as an FYI,
that’s what I call a “mic-drop moment,”
and those moments are not productive.
Now, I know that was an extreme example,
however mic-drop moments like that
happen every day at work.
That’s why it’s so important
that we come into a conversation
with a mindset of wanting
to seek a solution.
Even better,
if you actually bring possible
solutions to the conversation,
that then creates the space
to start to work through options.
So if I could rewind that mic-drop moment,
I would hope and recommend
the conversation go
a little bit more like this:
“We’ve come to realize we don’t have
the people, skills, resources
or technology in-house.
That’s why we’re struggling
so much on this project.
I think if we were to use
this external vendor,
who we know has this experience
and has done this type of work before,
we’re going to be able to complete it
and meet our goals.”
There. Possible solutions
create possible options.
Now I know some of you may be saying
this is a great concept in theory
but will never happen
or be accepted where I work.
I would challenge you
to change your thinking,
because there is power in speaking up.
Nine times out of 10, if I’m thinking it,
I bet at least one other person
in the room is having that same thought.
And the beauty is that once it’s said,
that’s when the real
conversations start to happen.
Look at my son.
I believe he was able to change
and entire group dynamic
just because he had the courage
and the confidence to speak up.
The best organizations
are full of people at all levels
that have that same courage
to tackle the tough topics.
And by being open and honest,
not only are we helping ourselves
but also our organizations
to have these conversations.
And those are the ones
that are needed the most.
Call me Captain Obvious,
but isn’t that the kind of place
that you want work in?
Thank you.