Deeper Than A Scar
[Music]
imagine
you’re in a beautiful country you can
smell
all the different kinds of foods in the
air you can see
animals that you’ve never seen before
you can go to beaches
that are like paradise and you can do
things that you’ve only seen in the
movies
but then some idiot kid makes you leave
and go home early
i was that kid let me explain exactly
what i did
there we were in panama feeling like our
last few days should be adventurous
what’s more adventurous than riding an
atv
and to feed into our adventurous spirit
it wasn’t automatic
so there i was an inexperienced very
overconfident 13-year-old girl on an atv
changing the gears all by myself what
could possibly go wrong
we all start out slow trying to get the
hang of how to drive this thing
then suddenly it feels like a race i’m
barely thinking just going faster and
faster
trying to stay an inch ahead of the
others then the road narrows
we’re all provoking each other trying to
see who can go the fastest
but i’m starting to feel like i might be
going too fast
now i’m going downhill the wind is so
loud
i could barely hear myself think
adrenaline rushing through me
but i’m no longer in control so i get my
foot ready to lower the gear
but it gets stuck i look down for a
brief second
and suddenly out of nowhere there’s
another atv in front of me
i swerve to avoid hitting them and i’m
barely on the road
but before i could swerve back i go
flying
when i think back i try to press pause
on the brief moment
i’m in the air flying but it’s all such
a blur that the next thing i can clearly
remember
is my chest feeling wet from my own
blood and not being able to breathe
now i’m still in the outskirts of panama
my parents are pulling strings and doing
everything they possibly can to get us
back home as soon as possible
i don’t know how they did it but they
got us on the first flight back into
panama city
and a flight the next morning into
california
fast forward one month i’m barely
sleeping
barely eating in immense pain and
finally
about to have surgery yes finally
i spent a whole month like that because
my wounds were so bad
that the doctor said i had a weight to
reduce the risk of surgery
which is why i was ready to have a
surgery
now after the surgery i had now had this
scar
i knew that people were gonna stare at
the airports in panama
i was escorted around in a wheelchair
every kid’s dream
now obviously people were curious why is
this girl in a wheelchair
and i knew that they would have that
same curiosity when it came to my scar
so when it turned out to be a pretty
noticeable one i guess you could say i
was prepared
now the scar falls right along my
clavicle
so a shirt with any type of dip will
show it
at first i wore clothes that were
convenient whatever was easiest to put
on
this meant big baggy sweaters mostly
but then as i started to get better with
physiotherapy and time
i found that i was still wearing the
same clothes
i told myself it was to make me
comfortable and help me move around
but that wasn’t entirely true i was
ashamed
and embarrassed of having made a mistake
of almost hurting others or having a
conscious reminder that i
was never going to be perfect you take
your pick
but that is how i felt now being in
middle school
and wanting to fit in isn’t something
new so when i had this abnormality that
made me feel
not normal i tried to hide myself
because i was afraid of being judged
now we all have this idea of perfection
someone we want to be
or look like some idea we want to live
up to
i also had an idea of what i thought was
perfect
and this scar didn’t fit into that idea
have you ever heard of the gift that
keeps on giving well scars
are like that they are the pain that
perpetuates more pain
they are earned through physical trauma
but there’s more
there’s two other things the scar does
first
it’s a physical trigger surrounding the
events of the injury
every time you look into the mirror
you’re taken back to the memories and
the emotions of what happened
every time you look in the mirror your
eyes naturally gravitate to the scar
your fingers lightly brush it just to
see if it’s still there
second not only do you have to deal with
all these new emotions and changes that
come with the scar
you also have to deal with how others
are going to react to it
when i would be having a conversation
with someone i could see them take the
occasional glance at my scar
they were trying to be subtle about it
but i could tell the curiosity was
invading their thoughts
at first i didn’t really mind i mean
what’s easier than talking about
yourself
but then the scar started to define me
it came to the point where that was the
only thing people would talk to me about
or they would stare to try and see it
and that was not the kind of attention i
wanted
now when most people think of scars they
think of stitches
or surgery but the definition of a scar
is a growth of tissue marking the spot
where skin has healed
after an injury so what most people
don’t realize
is that we all have scars however faint
or small they’re there that one pimple
that just wouldn’t go away
so you scratched at it or popped it and
now there’s
a small mark that’s a scar
that one time you were in the kitchen
cooking and you barely cut yourself
and if you look at it at just the right
angle there’s a mark
that’s a scar each scar shows something
we’ve experienced or overcome
which is why in some religions it’s even
considered a sign of maturity and
strength
so why is it that we’re so scared of
something
that signifies our own strength
through social media and the internet we
have been influenced
to believe that we should strive for
perfection
even though we’re in the era of
self-love and acceptance
we feel the need to change ourselves to
fit in
we hide our differences when we should
be flaunting them
but in order to show off our differences
we have to be proud of them
because they make us unique they make us
who we are
it’s easy to look at yourself and pick
out all the things you wish you could
change
it’s hard to appreciate yourself just
the way you are
to be grateful for all the lessons that
life has taught you
even if it has left a mark to be
thrilled
that you’re not perfect because that
makes us relatable and real
maybe if we thought of scars as just
another kind of memory
it would be easier for us to accept that
they should not be hidden
because they show that we have lived
so while this scar has not only given my
mother another excuse to not
to not let me drive it’s also given me a
new perspective
in how i view myself as well as others
we all have scars something in our past
that is a result of mistakes
something we’re trying to hide something
we’re ashamed of
some are physical some are emotional
but we shouldn’t define our scars by how
they look or how we got them
our scars are a part of our past not
our future they share a story
of acceptance fear sadness
guilt or maybe even happiness
are scars a reminder of what we have
overcome
which is why it is so important that we
embrace them
it has taken me a while to get to the
point where i have chosen to accept
that this scar is a part of me in the
beginning
i didn’t ever think i would get here let
alone be giving a ted talk
on it which is why i can confidently say
that this scar doesn’t define me i
define it
and it’s perfect thank you
you