What is the Caregivers Dilemma
when my family
got the cancer diagnosis life hit the
fan big time
and we went into crisis mode and i
became a caregiver
and i thought to myself wow this is
going to be really hard
but i’m strong we can do this
we’re going to get through this no
matter what
but over time i became a little less
sure of my ability
to manage all the details the medical
stuff i was trying to learn
all the little details we never saw
coming
changes in our lifestyle caring for our
family
running our businesses living our lives
the harder it got the longer it went on
the more i realized my own mental and
physical health was suffering
i was tired stressed
i was depressed frustrated
maybe just a little bit angry and i
didn’t see
any way out of it because
there was no way i was going to stop
what i was doing
or even slow down when we’re so busy
caring for others we simply can’t
or won’t make the time to care for
ourselves
too we start sliding down that slippery
slope of neglecting our own care
saying i don’t have time that our needs
are less important
we shut out everything that’s not
essential
that slippery slope drops us into
overwhelm mode
panic chronic to stress and fear
the potential to make mistakes get sick
ourselves this is the caregiver’s
dilemma
opting out of caring for a loved one is
not an
option for most of us but neither should
be opting out of caring for ourselves
right
it’s necessary that we care for
ourselves in order to show up
as the kind of person the kind of carer
we want to be
and if we don’t somebody’s going to
suffer
so the caregiver’s dilemma
is how do we do both if we can’t
stop or slow down how do we care for
ourselves
and those we love now i tried a lot of
things in desperation
many of them made me feel worse not
better
before i finally found a way to care for
myself
too while still being the best person
and caregiver i could be
in a moment of desperation i discovered
the simple
elegant power of mindfulness i forced
myself
to take a really big step a mindfulness
retreat and it was the beginning of my
understanding
of the ability to manage more skillfully
it revived me in so many ways
it took a lot of study and exploration
to understand how to fit that
mindfulness
into our busy lives and now i’ve
distilled what i studied into something
manageable for me really that anyone can
do
in minutes not days
caring for yourself doesn’t mean you
care less for others
or that you take time away from them
nor does it have to take big chunks of
time from your life
because let’s face it almost everyone
today is struggling with taking that
precious time especially
the hundreds of caregivers i’ve spoken
with in all types of caring situations
they tell me they just don’t have time
for that mindfulness stuff
i get it they’re imagining sitting in
meditation for hours
moving to an ashram chanting sutras
learning yoga or tai chi and those are
all good things mind you
but they’re not for everyone to be
honest i never
thought it was for me either i was too
busy
it seemed to woo it seemed like work
but after trying a lot of things that
were most definitely
not good for me as i started looking
more
deeply into mindfulness i realized
i don’t have time to not be mindful
because it helps me to be more creative
productive more focused
more attentive to what really matters
and happier yes happier
and that makes me a better caregiver
parent friend leader
human it suddenly dawned on me that i
was spending a lot of time
focused on how busy i was how much i had
to do
how guilty i felt if i did anything for
myself
it just didn’t feel right even though in
my heart
i knew it would have been okay
i couldn’t get out of that negative
cycle of stress
okay i wouldn’t so i chose less than
satisfying
things to devote my time to binging on
streaming tv
drinking to go to sleep crying in the
shower
fixing things that weren’t even broken
because i wanted to keep my hands busy
trying to manage everything and refusing
help
whether you’re busy 24 7 caring for
someone who needs constant vigilance
or someone who needs regular care over
periods of days
weeks or years an infant
a parent a spouse a friend
you might understand how quickly you can
get
burned out from doing too much and too
little time
worrying obsessing over details
and when i think about managing care for
a loved one in a care facility
whom you can’t even reach due to the
pandemic
i see how frustrating and fear ridden
that must be
how traumatizing how exhausting it must
be
how the dread of what might be keeps
that cycle of fear
churning yet if we don’t take care of
ourselves
we might not be there when they need us
the beauty of mindfulness is that we
begin to see the patterns we’ve fallen
into
so we can choose better patterns so we
can lose the noise
and focus on what matters and be better
humans
and be better carers now i know you’re
probably saying to yourself
yeah great but i don’t have time to
learn this
much less do it i know it seemed
impossible to me too
but actually now i use my time just a
bit more wisely
mindfully even the trick
is to incorporate it into your daily
life it doesn’t have to take much time
you can handle this think of it as micro
dosed
mindfulness it doesn’t have to take all
day or even 30 minutes
little moments throughout the day add
richness and
calm to our lives and those we touch
that helps us be more focused more
productive when we need to be
and relaxed and rested in between
let me share with you two simple
microdosed mindfulness habits you can do
anywhere anytime
when you feel yourself slipping down
that slope
towards overwhelm stop
for a pause this seems so basic doesn’t
it
but we get so wrapped up that we don’t
pause and it takes
little time and it’s so powerful
just stop for a moment a breath even
the power of this pause is epic
it allows our mind to notice to evaluate
to rest and gather fresh energy
i can’t count how many times i’ve paused
before acting
and things actually resolved themselves
before i had to do anything
when in conversation pause and listen
people will say more to fill the gap but
if you keep talking
you’ll miss something maybe something
really important
use that pause that sacred pause
as a way to rest your wild mind for a
moment
when you’re waiting for something allow
yourself a moment to simply
be without having to do a thing
it’s incredibly restful and you can do
it anywhere
just like this
that pause becomes a habit
that refreshes restores revives
when you’ve learned a pause you can go
one step further
to nurture your resources we all have
valuable resources right at our
fingertips
maybe even take them for granted
sometimes when we’re most stressed
and we most need them we overlook them
they’re all around us like treasures
the smile of a loved one a memory of a
time
you were blissfully happy a shaft of
light coming in a window
or a cloud drifting across the sky
sometimes it’s something as simple as a
stone or a seashell
it brings back a memory i carry one in
my pocket
when i’m stressed it serves as a
touchstone to remind me of that time
a gentle reminder use this pause to
check in with yourself
what’s important to me right now in this
moment
mindfulness can be about choosing what’s
important in this moment
or to simply experience this moment
it can also be about choosing what we
give our attention to
or about noticing what someone else is
giving their attention to
noticing how that feels if you’re giving
your attention to negativity
look around you until you can find
something anything
that’ll bring a smile to your face a pet
a flower looking out the window
it shifts yourself from negativity to
positivity
and then hold on to that feeling of
warmth happiness even
hold it as the precious thing it is the
longer you can hold that feeling
the better lifting your spirit for
even a second can help you to create a
shift
in how you feel help you shift your
mindset so you can be more resilient
less reactive when you encounter the
caregiver’s dilemma in your life and i
guarantee you will think of how a micro
dose of mindfulness
here and there can help you to be more
resilient
better able to manage caring for those
you love
including yourself it only takes a
moment
but the returns are immense and i’ll
close here with my wish for you
a loving kindness prayer because all of
us could use it right now
but especially those who are caregivers
may you be happy may you be
safe and may you have ease