Who cares
picture if you will
in your mind and your heart and your
soul a leader
what does it look like did you see the
words a leader
probably not did you though think of a
person who you know
think of someone you admire was it a
person who you hope to get to know
that’s that leader okay now
put that aside pull out a mirror
and look at it you are a leader
now i don’t mean i just gave you a
promotion or a demotion or whatever that
might feel like to you and this
isn’t about your title not about your
position it’s about you
because you are a leader how so
you lead each day in each way you decide
you choose
to think to speak to engage with other
people
hello leaders now that we all know we’re
leaders
let’s go on a little bit of a leadership
journey okay we’re gonna go backwards
though
let’s go all the way back if you will
think about right before you started
first grade wow that might be a little
while ago
what were you doing hmm i can tell you
what i was doing
i was five years old it was right before
starting school
you know what i got to do i got to go on
my very
first diet because i was too chubby
yeah that’s right and you might be
thinking hmm that’s not what i was
expecting
and you might be thinking so all right
let’s jump ahead
come with me please if you will before
you got into high school
what was something you aspired to
accomplish that you even
attempted to do that was different and
you got input
i ran for student council and you know
what
i lost because i wasn’t cool enough or
popular enough
and you might think oh wow that was a
while ago
now let’s come a little closer to today
think about your very first
work opportunity and remember that time
you got to present
and you might have been dreading it or
been excited about it i remember when i
did
except i went to get feedback afterwards
and i was told
we can’t give you feedback because you
look so young and your voice is so
squeaky it’s hard to listen to you
can you imagine well you’re thinking
about this
you might be thinking so what debbie who
cares
here we are you’re doing okay right
you’re right and that’s part of what i’m
asking you to consider
is if you think about a time that you go
back to
was there a time when somebody said to
you hey who cares what happened
just get over it and imagine if instead
that person said i care and let’s get
through this
together what a difference that would
make
if you’re wondering who cared back in
all of those experiences
that i shared with you guess what i did
it didn’t ruin my life but certainly i
cared
and i still care not because i’m
carrying it as
baggage or something to be concerned
about or really terribly affected my
life
it’s that though through that those
experiences there’s such a realization
of how you engage with other people
matters
yes i care and i believe that when you
think back
on whatever experiences come to mind you
cared too
and who cares are leaders so if that
question ever comes up
think about there are four wonderful
aspects of leaders
who care c-a-r-e communication
appreciation reciprocation and
expectations how did we get there
well communication let’s start at the
beginning leaders who care
communicate effectively are they perfect
no way
did they ever make mistakes absolutely
and yet
leaders who communicate it’s not just
about what they say
it’s how they say it it’s that they’re
willing to say it it’s a vulnerability
in sharing ideas
and being willing to listen oh there’s
that other part of communication
they listen to what other people have to
say they don’t always agree
they sometimes might wish that people
wouldn’t say what they were saying
and yet how they communicate is with an
open mind they
also though listen to what’s not being
said
they watch that body language they watch
the furrow of the brow
they notice when somebody isn’t
participating
not to shame them to include them they
ask
questions to get information and to get
connected
think about this one you heard some
pretty bad stories but when i was in
high school
i figured it out a bit by then i was
playing sports doing well in school
having a great time
and one of my friends was going to
compete in debate and
they needed another person so this
teacher came to me
mrs brundage and sadly she’s not with us
anymore but i remember her so clearly
because she came up to me and she was
very fiery she was about this tall
and she said debbie you can come and do
this
come with us and i said i don’t want to
go isn’t that going on a bus for about
four hours
and just talking to people i don’t know
she said you can do it it’ll push you
and i thought do i really want to do it
i could be playing golf and she said
do this to show yourself what i can see
we can see it and she was so excited she
got riled up she spit a little when she
talked to you and she was
really a communicator if you know what i
mean and i said wow
and you know what she didn’t bully me
into going to the debate
she didn’t pressure me she confidenced
me
she communicated so clearly that belief
that you know i got on that bus the next
day
and you know i rode four hours and
learned how to to debate
you might be wondering did i win no i
placed though by the way
but her whole approach to communication
was to lift me up
and to be inclusive and boy was i
thankful
which brings me to appreciation the
leader who cares
shows appreciation and yes it’s a thank
you i thanked
sally brundage i called her mrs brundage
at the time though
and more than that though leaders
appreciate
what we say that we say it they also
appreciate the idea that we’re similar
in some ways
and we’re different in others they
appreciate
the opportunities they have that might
look a lot like difficulty or challenges
they don’t sugarcoat it to say oh i love
having problems
but they appreciate the fact that
they’re going through it
and they appreciate the people they’re
with now as a performance coach i get to
work with a lot of organizations and
individuals and sometimes they say to me
wait a minute are you telling me that i
pay people and you want me to thank them
for doing their job
the answer is no i don’t want them to
thank them for doing their job
i want them to want to thank them i want
them to appreciate them
because have you ever had this happen or
if you know anybody just let me know
you’re driving home from work or school
one day and you say oh i’m gonna call my
spouse
my kids my parents my dog my cat whoever
will listen on the way home you get on
the phone and you say
please please when i get home no matter
what
no more compliments no more gratitude no
more appreciation
i’m full probably not there aren’t a lot
of people who get
so appreciated all day long that they’re
tired of it
so imagine in that appreciation that
leader who cares
they say i can appreciate that you have
this idea
and they don’t focus on the butt they
focus on the end
and that appreciation is not just the
words
it’s the sense of the culture and the
experience
of gratitude and by the way they do say
thank you to those who work for them
which takes us to reciprocation
reciprocate and you might think is this
a contract debbie
no what i mean by reciprocation is how
do we give and take
you’ve heard about communication and
appreciation reciprocation means
we’re willing the leaders who care to
give feedback
and they’re willing to take what may be
criticism
and hear it as feedback reciprocity is
something that we don’t necessarily
think or talk about a lot
and yet when we reciprocate when someone
has some generosity or grace with us
we remember it not to keep score rather
to include them in
in experiences because a reciprocity
says
i see you and i appreciate that you saw
me too
and in this we can do these things
together we may be on other sides
sometimes
and yet you may want to think of
reciprocity as respect
here’s a story about that one so tying
in the appreciation and
reciprocity i was thrilled when i was
the first time i got to do a
commencement address you can imagine i
was writing it and practicing it and
getting ready
and it took me back to 1990 the
university of michigan
ann arbor in lawrence kasdan delivering
the commencement address for my class
now you may know him from star wars fame
and global
impact all over with with all of his
talents
but i was introduced to him that day and
on that day
he said things that changed my life and
they were simple
he said if your friends across the world
and is getting married
go if someone’s across the street and
they need your shoulder
go and i changed how i lived
sitting there that day and implemented
it so when i was
fast forward in years decades into the
future
and i was preparing that i thought i
want to let him know
so i wrote him a note and i thought this
might go in some fan
mail fan mail and i might never hear
about it but i wanted him to know
because he deserved to
and you know what he did he reciprocated
he sent back a handwritten note
thanking me for sharing the experience
and then wishing me well
you know i have that in my office when i
leave the door and i see it each day
not because people will recognize it but
it reminds me that recipe
reciprocity and the reciprocation of a
leader who cares
is something that perhaps nobody will
really identify and yet we
feel it we know it don’t we
and that brings us to expectations when
we communicate appreciate and
reciprocate
we can set expectations expectations for
some reason
he’s gotten a bad name it’s almost like
it’s a four letter word it’s
not expectations are not assumptions
they’re not demands or commands
what they are is mutually coming
together
and realizing what you can expect of
each other
what you can deliver and you will be
delivered back
so what you do with expectations is you
set them together
and then you deliver you meet them and
in setting these
expectations a lot of times it’s about
saying to somebody
you know what because you’re so good at
this
i’m asking you to do that and then look
looking for it on this day
it’s raising someone up so expectations
aren’t putting someone down or being
bossy
they’re allowing people to really thrive
if you’re wondering how to think about
expectations
we do it every time we say we’re going
to show up for lunch and we’re there on
time that’s an expectation
marriage vows you think about it you
tell the world the expectations that
your partner can
rely on for you and you announce it and
then
you live up to it now if you don’t
believe in in the sanctity of marriage
that’s your choice
but if you think about expectations are
around us so the leader who cares
shares those expectations and then holds
himself or herself
accountable to them and others
accountable as well
in a mutual respect so there you go
leaders who care practice effective
communication
appreciation reciprocation and
expectations
and oh by the way that little journey we
went on
let me bring you up here you might think
well how is this person who is
too chubby not popular enough and way
too squeaky and too young looking
getting to share these ideas with the
world well it’s
that other part of care not only did i
care
i cared duh that d
that dedication imagine being that
dedicated i wasn’t dedicated to the idea
of proving people
wrong or putting that aside or
overcoming
it was the dedication to take that
feedback and learn from it
and dedicate it to be my best not better
than someone else
so if you want to be dedicated as a
leader who cares
take out your mirror you’re right there
share your communication
your appreciation your reciprocation and
your expectations
and the next time someone says who cares
just say
i do thank you