To overcome challenges stop comparing yourself to others Dean Furness
Transcriber: Joseph Geni
Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz
It seems we have been measured
almost all of our lives,
when we are infants,
with our height and our weight,
and as we grew it became
our speed and our strength.
And even in school there are test scores
and today with our salaries
and job performance.
It seems as if those personal averages
are almost always used
to measure where we are
in comparison to our peers.
And I think we should look at that
a little differently.
That personal average is just that,
it’s something very personal
and it’s for you,
and I think if you focus on that
and work to build that,
you can really start to accomplish
some really amazing things.
This idea started for me
on a December evening in 2011.
I had just stepped outside
to do our evening chores
to feed our horses.
I hopped into our tractor,
and a few minutes later,
a five foot tall, 700-pound bale of hay
fell from the loader,
crushing me in the seat of the tractor
and in the process shattering
my T5 and T6 vertebrae.
I didn’t lose consciousness,
but I felt this buzz throughout my body,
and I knew what had happened right away.
My hands were reaching for my legs,
but my legs didn’t recognize
anything touching them.
And in fact, I couldn’t feel anything
from the center of my chest down.
So there I was,
about 100 feet from the house,
with my arms wrapped
around the steering the wheel,
trying to hold myself up,
waiting for help.
And unlike what you see
in TV and the movies,
as much as I tried to get the dogs
to go to the house and get help –
(Laughter)
they just stared at me.
Well, 45 minutes later, my wife came home,
and I heard her step out of the house
and, like, normal, if I needed help,
“Hey, do you need help?”
And I said, “Yes.”
And there was a brief pause
and then I heard her yell,
“Do you need 9/11 help?”
And again I yelled, “Yes.”
Well, not long after I was enjoying
my very first helicopter ride
all the way to the hospital.
Now, the injury wasn’t
very dramatic or graphic.
I simply broke a bone or two.
And in the process, I was told
I’d probably never walk again.
It became very normal for me
to use a rope to sit up in bed,
because my abdominal muscles
no longer work.
Or to use a board to slide
out of bed into a wheelchair,
or to even wait for people
to reach things for me.
Everything that I had learned
and had known about my height
and my strength and my balance
and my mobility was blown away.
My entire personal average had been reset.
Now you could be sure in those days
I was being measured more than ever,
by the doctors and nurses for sure
but maybe more so in my own mind,
and I found myself comparing
what I thought I was going
to be able to do going forward
with what I once was able to do.
And I became pretty frustrated.
It took some very consistent prodding
from my wife, who kept saying,
“Get your eyes up,”
before I could get moving forward.
And I soon realized that I almost had
to forget about the person I was before
and the things I was able to do before.
I almost had to pretend it was never me.
And I’m afraid if I had not
made that realization,
my frustration would have turned into
something much harder to recover from.
Now, luckily, a few weeks later,
I was transferred to a specialty
spinal cord rehab hospital
about 10 hours from home,
and wouldn’t you know,
the first day of rehab
and the first session
we had something called fit class,
and a group of us broke into teams
to see which team could do
the most reps in the weight machine.
Now, we’ve all been there,
haven’t been to the gym in a year or two.
Neither had I.
And so what do you do?
You try to do what you did
a couple of years ago,
and you do a couple of sets.
And then what do you do? A couple more.
And you’re feeling
even better, so you do more.
And the next two weeks you complain
to your family about how sore you are.
(Laughter)
Well, my team went all out and we won,
we won big,
and for the next three days
I could not straighten my arms,
which isn’t that big a deal
except when you’re in a wheelchair
and that’s really what you
have to use to get around.
And that proved to be
a very important lesson for me.
It was one thing that I couldn’t
compare myself to myself,
but even around people
in the same situation in that hospital,
I found that I couldn’t try to keep pace
or set pace with them as well,
and I was left with really only one choice
and that was to focus on who I was
at that point in time
with where I needed to go
and to get back to who I needed to be.
For the next six weeks,
for seven to eight hours a day,
that’s what I did.
I built little by little,
and, as you might expect,
when you’re recovering
from a spinal cord injury,
you’re going to have a bad day.
You might have a few in a row.
What I found out is that good and bad
really didn’t have a lot of meaning
unless I had the context
of knowing what my average was.
It was really up to me to decide
if something was bad or good
based on where I was
at that point in time,
and it was in my control to determine
if it really was a bad day.
In fact, it was my decision
on whether or not I could stop
a streak of bad days.
And what I found during
that time away from home
is I never had a bad day,
even with everything going on.
There were parts of my day
that were certainly not as pleasant
as they could be,
but it was never an entirely bad day.
So I’m guessing that all of you
have been through a meeting
that probably didn’t go very well,
or a commute that wasn’t as great
as you would like it,
or even burned dinner at night.
Did those things
really ruin your entire day?
What I found in those scenarios
is the quicker you move on to what’s next,
the quicker you can start
attacking things.
And by moving on to next
as fast as possible,
you shrink the time you spend
in those bad scenarios
and it gives more time for the good.
And, as a result,
the good outweighs the bad,
your average increases
and that’s just how the math works.
It didn’t matter to me
if I’d spent the morning
really struggling with my medication,
or at lunch my legs being very spastic,
or even if I had fallen
out of my wheelchair.
Ask my wife. It happens quite often.
She’s here.
They were just small parts of my day
and small parts of my average.
And so, in the months
and years that followed,
I continued to try to attack
things in that way,
and before I knew it I was being presented
with some pretty incredible challenges,
like completing a marathon
in a wheelchair.
In early 2016,
I met my physical therapist,
and after a few really grueling sessions,
she must have sensed something,
because she pulled me aside and said,
“You know, you should do a half marathon.
In your wheelchair.
And, oh yeah, it’s in 10 weeks.”
And I thought in my mind, “You’re crazy.”
I didn’t have a workout plan.
I didn’t have any way of knowing
how fast I needed to go
or how far I was supposed to go.
But I simply got to work,
and I started tracking
every workout, every day,
and I simply wanted to be as good as
or as fast as I was the prior day.
And in the end I really created
that average for myself
and I tried to build on that
as much as I could.
Well, I finished that race right in time
with what my average should have been,
and somewhere along the way
I kind of closed the door
on who I once was.
That person who I was before
and all those things I thought
I was able to do really didn’t matter.
In fact, walking again
really didn’t matter.
It became much less of a goal for me
in terms of where I was going to go.
And besides, like, you guys
are so slow when you walk.
In crowds like this,
it is so difficult.
I’m like, “Get out of the way.
We’re going places.”
(Laughter)
And all I wanted to do was go fast.
And so I did what I thought I should do.
I started researching wheelchair racing.
And I went online
and I found the best of the best,
I learned their technique,
I learned about the equipment,
and I was lucky to have a coach
that offered me a way to get started.
And after talking with him
and having him help me
get those things underway,
as I was leaving, he says, “You know,
you should do the 2017 Chicago Marathon.”
And he’s the coach, I can’t tell him no.
So with that guidance,
I went back home, and I got to work,
much like in the prior way.
And I continued researching,
but I had learned my lesson.
I was really careful not to compare
with how accomplished
those people on the internet were
and how fast they were,
because if I had, I probably
never would have continued
going through with it.
Well, the weekend of the race arrived,
and it was just like
going to college for the first time.
You’re dumped off,
there’s a whole bunch
of people around you,
you don’t really know very many of them,
somebody’s got the cool stereo
and the cool TV
and they’re smart and they’re pretty
and they’re cute and they’re handsome
and you don’t know if you really belong.
But then somebody says,
“Hey, let’s go get food.”
And all of a sudden,
that friend group happens
and you start to settle in.
Well, that weekend of the race,
we had a meeting called
the Wheelers Meeting,
and there were 60 wheelchairs
in that room the night before the race.
And wouldn’t you know it,
all of the people that I had
been researching were there,
the best in the world.
There must have been over 50
Paralympic medals in the room that day.
And I felt pretty small and I fell back
into that trap of comparing myself.
I knew that my averages that I had
been tracking during my workouts
were over 90 seconds
slower per mile than theirs.
And the coach was
the only one there that I knew,
and he reached out and noticed something,
and I think he sensed my anxiety,
and he invited me
to get food with his team.
And with that, everything settled down.
I realized really quick that they
didn’t care about my average, surely,
and I had forgotten about theirs.
Well that next day,
I finished the race about 45 minutes
after the person that won it.
But as I was leaving, those new friends,
who are very close today,
challenged me to stay involved
and to keep working through
different races and competitions.
And so I did what I knew how.
I went home, and I got busy.
Now, as you can imagine,
being in a wheelchair,
let alone training
for a marathon in a wheelchair,
is a pretty lonely thing.
I have an incredible group of friends
that will ride bikes with me
and keep track of pace and help me out.
But in the end, it’s still
five to six days a week,
it’s 50 to 60 miles of effort,
and it’s a lot of alone time.
And for the most part,
you really have nothing to rely on
but yourself in those times.
It’s my average, and I’m trying
to get better little by little.
Well, this fall I was in Chicago
for the third time.
It was my seventh marathon,
and just like going back
to college for your junior year,
you’re anticipating
catching up with friends
and getting excited
about rolling right back into things.
Well, I attended the same pre-race meeting
and the same pre-race meal
and caught up with those friends.
And we lined up for the race,
and right at the start,
my average kicked in,
and before long I caught up
with some of those friends
and was able to keep pace with them
and push together.
But it wasn’t long before I faded.
It just happened,
and I found myself all alone again
with really nothing to rely on other than
what I had worked so hard to be at.
But we turned into the wind
at the halfway point,
and my average became a strong advantage,
and it wasn’t long
before I caught some of those friends
and passed them all the way to the finish.
And while I didn’t set
a personal record that day,
I did finish 30 seconds per mile
faster than my prior Chicago times
and just left myself pretty excited.
And so this is me. This is my average.
Seventy-five days from today,
I’ll be in Boston for my second time.
I’m super excited about that.
But keep in mind,
this isn’t really just about racing.
I’m working really hard every day
to be better in so many other ways,
a better parent, a better husband,
a better coach, teammate, friend, person.
And I promise you, even though
what you see here is very visible
in terms of the challenges that I face,
everybody here has something
that they’re fighting,
and it may be visible, it may not be,
but please, take some time
and focus on you instead of others,
and I bet you can win those challenges
and really start accomplishing
so many great things.
Thank you.
(Applause)