Becoming Trauma Informed Changed My Life
[Music]
she hit me and i mean hard across the
face
i felt the sting
and heat of her hand
tears welled up in my eyes
this was the moment that changed
everything
it was the slap that woke me up
i was driving down the street with my
kindergartner and his birth mom
we had a disagreement about something
trivial as usual but this day
i pushed back
my son’s birth mom hit me across the
face
while i was driving with my son in the
back seat
i didn’t know how to respond to her hit
i was frozen
so i hit my knees
and i asked god for guidance
today i want to talk to you
about trauma it’s impact and why i’m so
passionate about being trauma informed
jc is my son
he came into my life a decade ago when i
became his newly appointed foster mom
i brought him home from the hospital
he was my little preemie
i was in heaven
months later
jc was sent to live with his birth
parents and i
was devastated
i knew
he was in danger
and i wanted to protect him
so i let my foster license expire
so that i could co-parent with the birth
parents
this lasted for several years and i was
determined
to help
in the cycle of intergenerational trauma
most of us think about physical trauma
like a hit on the head
a concussion
days in the hospital
and recovery
but there’s more than physical
the centers for disease control did a
study of adults who as children
suffered adverse childhood experiences
examples are physical emotional
and sexual abuse as well as neglect
the study showed
that children who suffered
these experiences
often had issues with brain development
their physical health and even into
their future
children
who experience
severe adverse childhood experiences
are 1200 times more likely to try death
by suicide
at some point in their lives
that
is staggering
and could explain
why suicide is the second leading cause
of death
amongst our country’s youth
but in that same study
there was hope
thank goodness there was hope
the study showed that having just one
loving advocate could change the course
of a child’s life
so i took that
hope to heart
and for six years j.c lived two lives
one with me and the other with his birth
parents
i had no experience or idea of what
their lives were like
my childhood resembled the cosby show
but set in a small factory town
i had a foundation that was built on
love
and i can’t remember a time when i felt
unsafe
jc on the other hand heard his mom speak
of suicide
he found a big gun under the couch
he was locked out of the back room when
the parents would smoke some white stuff
and he saw his parents tried to kill
each other
this happened over and over again
i just kept holding on
to this idea
that one loving advocate could make a
change in a child’s life and i wanted to
be that for jc
so for six years
i provided for jc and his birth parents
food clothing shelter i took care of it
all
i was committed to helping them break
the cycle of intergenerational trauma
but
that slap
it showed me
that i wasn’t helping at all
i thought i was making a safe space for
jc
but the slap
taught me
and it showed me it opened my eyes to
the fact
that i was in danger myself
how could i keep him safe if i was in
danger
a few months after the hit
jacy spoke of suicide to his
kindergarten teacher
it sounds ridiculous
but my hands were tied
i had no legal rights
i had no legal rights
and the system wasn’t listening
months after that he went from talking
about it to acting on it
yes my six-year-old son tried to die by
suicide twice
jc was placed in behavioral health
for observation
i knew i had to take drastic and
immediate action
to help him
get the help he needed his parents were
trying to get him out
so i went to work and in three days i
had emergency custody
i spent the next few years in court
battling for my son
restraining orders
custody battle
there were death threats
and eventually
i got permanent custody
it was draining
but i held on to the hope
i held on to our love
and i look to our future
and then
i adopted jc
he was mine and i became that loving
advocate that committed consistent
advocate that i wanted to be
i kept asking
could he recover
could he have a normal childhood
but no one could or would answer me
so i got busy and i learned all that i
could about being trauma informed
and that’s what i became
i was trauma informed
everybody was talking about jc’s
behavior
by this time he had multiple diagnoses
ptsd adhd
i knew it was deeper than just these
labels
i needed to connect the dots
so i took to heart
and i just got busy and continued to
learn and what i found was that these
adverse childhood experiences
had caused developmental delays in jc
and it drastically changed his behavior
he went
from this gentle giant kindergarten who
told his classmates
be kind
stay in line to a big boy who hit and
punched and cursed me out
he called me the b word more times than
i can even count
it sounds grim
but i just kept
hoping
that i could remain in his life as this
loving advocate
and then i had to look
at the impact of all this on me
see i compartmentalized my life with the
birth parents
from the people who loved me
i didn’t want to hear lectures about how
bad things were i knew i was acting out
of fear
i was scared for his life and for losing
him
i lived my life in hyper vigilance mode
for so long that even when the threat
was gone
i was on edge
i was humiliated
i was a victim of domestic violence at
the hands of his birth mother
i couldn’t say this back then
not even in my mind
but i’ll say it and share it with you
today out loud
i was a doormat with the birth parents
i can’t believe it’s been a decade since
jc came into my life
together we’ve grown
we’ve both had intense trauma-informed
therapy
jc has increased coordination
he has coping skills
that help him better handle his triggers
he plays football
he loves sports
his personality is sweet
he is kind and i’m not just saying that
because he’s mine
most importantly he feels safe
and we have a village of support
i still deal with anxiety and depression
but through
therapy
through
prayer
self-care
and through sharing
our journey with you like i’m sharing
right now
i feel so much better
i’ve been reinvented
not by design
but by my life’s journey
through the pain
i found purpose
in speaking up
i found power
in advocacy
we may not be able to totally erase
the effects that trauma have on
ourselves or our children
but we can learn from it
we can be that loving advocate that
helps a child go from merely surviving
to thriving
we can share our experiences
real life experiences
we go through things
saying them out loud and normalizing the
conversation around taboo topics like
mental health and trauma can open the
door to healing
it can help us and others
i went from
not understanding trauma
to living it
i took the knowledge of being trauma
informed and applied it
and that brought us together forever
jc and me
prayer with works
we are together forever as mother and
son
and for that
i am grateful
thank you
[Applause]