Breaking the Mold on Traditional Parenting
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i can confidently say
everyone here today
growing up at one point or another have
disappointed their parents
maybe it was something as trivial as
getting a c on your report card and for
not meeting their expectations of the
perfect a student
we held on to that guilt
our faculty settings have been installed
growing up and we are programmed to do
our duties
to perform well and well
to be obedient
all these settings become a significant
part of the mold that shapes us into who
we become today
based on what the parentals believed as
social parameters
and get this
parents create an image of what an ideal
child looks like
and even before the child is born
then that parent becomes a parent and
start to think
my parents raised me this way and i
turned out okay
this must be the best form of parenting
style
right
have we have ever as parents stop to
think if these shortcomings and limiting
beliefs hold our children back from
their full potential
and
well
the question still stands true
are we truly equipped to raise our
children in the way we have been raised
maybe not
and here’s why
i will be using my asian roots as a good
representation
i come from a well-respected taiwanese
family
my parents traditional asian view could
be seen in the way chores were divided
in our homes
at home the chores were divided and
molded to the gender binary
my brother would mow the lawn and
i would wash the dishes
the duty for the males in the family
which is considered the harder work was
always different from the duties of the
females which is considered the easier
work
my parents also had a very
intergenerational view of parenting
by definition good kid and bad kid were
very black and white
growing up
i was a good kid
i was obedient
i had high scores
and this brought pride to the family
my daily roster was tightly regulated
and i used the word roster because it
honestly felt that way
i had piano lessons
math lessons english tutoring figure
skating and more
more
more
i felt like an automated doll being
controlled by a remote at all times
my brain produced good results
not because it was smart but because it
was programmed to do so and this made me
feel ironically dense
all these activities were designed to
make us smarter to perform better
because in the end we are valued by our
achievements and love and recognition
are dependent on how well we perform and
how much pride we bring to the family
and it’s no shocker
that
this
leads to lower self-worth
dissatisfaction
and a pursuit of more more
more
when i turned 12
my parents decided i was old enough to
make decisions
for the first time
as a start i was given the option of
choosing what i wanted from my
extracurricular courses in their
disbelief i dropped everything
the piano practice the math lessons the
english tutoring
everything
we must understand
programming and controlling a child for
so long
then one day letting go of that dial can
be jarring
and often even the child does not grasp
that implication
i now finally had the luxury of freedom
though i quickly slipped and went from
the good kid
to the bad kid
as my parents started losing authority
they became more authoritarian
the more pressure my parents put on
the more i resisted
things took a steep bend when i got into
high school i got mixed up with the
wrong crowd
i skipped school
i drank at an early age and i snuck out
thinking it was
cool
according to a doctor gabor mate
a hungarian canadian physician
authoritarian parents come at the
expense of an absent nurturing adult
and as a result
the child will fill that void in their
peer group
now that kid becomes far more attached
to this wrong crowd
than what is actually healthy for them
their peers become their mentors and
their templates of how to be how to walk
and how to talk
as i got older
it only got worse
i failed a lot of courses in university
and
almost got kicked out
and instead of holding myself
accountable
i played the blame game
i blamed everyone and everything except
for the true culprit
me
nevertheless i eventually graduated to
gain recognition from my parents
and fulfill their need for external
validation from others and society
however
internally
i had hit
rock bottom
a traditional asian parents selflessness
when it comes to their children
cannot be matched
they unselfishly give everything within
their means to their children
providing them with the best knowledge
best experiences best things they can
afford
striving to ensure that their children
get the opportunity to leave the lives
they themselves could not have dreamt of
and that is in fact
how they show their love
this situation is made even worse by the
intergenerational culture of silence
within asian families
what that means is there is a lack of
open and honest communication between
parents and children and sadly these
children grow up
not being able to openly discuss their
feelings with their parents
this then in fact teaches the child
self-suppression instead of
self-regulation which is crucial later
in life as a need to learn how to cope
and manage stress
while self-sacrificing and in their
generosity they don’t realize that their
expectation of more an expectation of
external validation
molds the child into what they want to
see
but not who the child truly is
the children become like a boss
they’re stunning
but they’re incapable of any utility
the beautiful designs arm the child with
what they see as necessary to survive
and thrive in the world
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smile
have manners
be liked
but never let others see your weakness
these children become followers who
avoid risks who are 100 dependent on the
validation of others
and
i can say that with authority because
that was once me
insecure
incapable of self-expression and a
stranger to
myself
a string of difficulties
challenges and events which can be
likened to a little snowball
rolling down a hill
increasing in size and gaining momentum
it eventually got to a point where my
anxiety was at an all-time high
i was depressed
and even more of a stranger to myself
than ever
i realized that i could not recognize
myself
because my mold was the opposite of my
true self
i am curious
creative
and i thrived by living outside the box
but i was molded not to take risks i
never strayed outside my comfort zone
i am open-minded
opinionated but i couldn’t find a way of
self-expression
stephen covey talked about the seven
habits of highly effective people where
he asked that
the readers and i am paraphrasing
step out of their body and look at
themselves and try to understand their
emotions
at that moment i could not even
recognize the person i was looking at
much less
know her emotions
i realized that
i had to change
i had to take charge of my life
and i had to take responsibility for
myself
truly
so i stopped avoiding the emptiness and
i started gathering up the pieces
instead of looking at the stranger i was
i decided to understand her
so i could lead her on the correct path
i became obsessed with dissecting my
early childhood and lad made me realize
some truth
my parents did the best they could
based on their knowledge and resources
i was a loved and lucky child given the
circumstances
they were just programmed to the
intergenerational style of parenting
and i was determined to be different
the more i dissected my childhood the
more i realized that i had to take
responsibility for myself and my mold
shaping and sculpting the broken bars
into a true mold
and not just the shatter pieces but all
the other bits i picked up along the way
the journey of identifying myself was a
liberius one and the most impactful
journey of my life
and through it i became a proponent of
early childhood education
according to dr gabor mate he said
we may not be responsible for the world
that had created our minds
but we can take responsibility for the
mind in which we create our world
we all want our children to be happy and
i am confident this is valid now
as it has been since the beginning of
life
by fitting your child into a mold that
you cast based on your experiences
never has and will never be the answer
parents naturally want to keep their
child on a four-wheel bicycle never
taking off their training wheels to keep
them safe
and as a mother to a beautiful baby girl
i can relate also
but i can also see she can only indeed
be happy if i give her the space to be
herself
to be a dependent to have an identity
and to fulfill her
full potential
the greatest gift i can give her
is the confidence to choose her own
happiness
there are a few things we need to
understand and always keep as default in
our minds
one
stop intergenerational parenting
children’s are beings with agency
autonomy and abilities
they will find their way of independence
and self-expression to navigate in their
own generation
two
too many adults demand respect from kids
without showing respect in return
parenting and respect is in a one-way
instructional lesson or speaking over
our children we learn about our children
as they learn from us
it is a constant observation
listening and tuning into their needs
and three
parenting isn’t about fitting them into
a mold it’s about helping them create
and find their mold
allowing them to break and remold it as
many times as they like
in summary
there isn’t a black
and white version of good kid
or bad kid by definition
and frankly i hope you throw it out of
your dictionary all together
it can be likened to the spotlight
effect where we think everyone has their
attention on us and what we do
while in reality everybody is focused
on their own lives
every kid is unique and perfect in their
own special way
and as an advocate
i combine my early childhood education
personal breakthroughs and what i
continue to learn as a parent
to hopefully encourage parents
educators and mentors sitting here today
to provide a nurturing and supportive
environment for all
children
an environment that allows them to
blossom into their beautiful and
independent true self
let’s help our future sculpt themselves
into the unique and authentic creation
that they can be
to ensure we finally fulfill our
greatest desire
and that is to truly raise happier
children
for the next generation
thank you
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you