Its not just the strangers we should be careful of
Transcriber: Jamie Shihwan Go
Reviewer: David DeRuwe
When I was a little girl,
I was petrified of the man in the van;
I was never petrified
of the friend of the family.
I was taught to be careful of strangers;
I was never taught to be careful
of the people I knew.
I’m now 48.
Time has changed nothing.
The man is still in his van,
and I’m still petrified.
But more importantly,
it doesn’t seem to occur to anyone
that we should be more cautious
of the people we know,
or more specifically,
the people we know
who behave in a way they shouldn’t.
Because then what?
What child knows what to do then?
I didn’t, and nor did millions of others.
Statistics report that of those
that have been sexually abused as a child,
90 percent
knew their perpetrator.
So if we continue to educate
young people on that basis,
around the concept of stranger danger,
then we are only educating
a very small 10 percent
out of the millions of children
being sexually abused every year
by someone they know.
So, why?
Why are we still sharing the message
about stranger danger
when clearly the greater danger
for children is much closer
to home?
The misalignment of that 90/10 statistic,
combined with the guidance we offer
young people produces a stark reality.
Young lives are being
catastrophically ruined.
As a child, I was groomed
and sexually abused.
We knew my perpetrator.
This man crawled out of his darkness
and into my life with a bag
full of kindness and generosity.
He was nice to me.
I had a new friend.
He took a great deal of time
to nurture and understand me.
He made me feel less lonely.
He seemed to show up in my life
at just the right time.
I was firstly drawn to his kindness
and that he made me feel listened to,
and I liked that he showered
me with shiny, nice things.
And in the blink of an eye,
he’d created a bond that I valued.
But crucially, as that child,
nothing seemed wrong.
I speak to survivors
of child sex abuse all the time,
and each story is heartbreaking
in its own right.
But despite the unique and unbearable pain
that associates itself
with each abuse survivor,
the common denominator remains the same:
They knew their perpetrator.
And by the way, no one tells you
that you might actually like your abuser
or that you may already love them,
and that later on in life,
you will be riddled with complexities
around this feeling,
that you won’t know how to cope.
You definitely won’t
understand trauma bonding
or appreciate what it means
to be triggered by a familiar smell,
piece of music or place.
You won’t understand
that you will need to learn about PTSD
to start understanding
how best to exist in your life.
And you definitely
won’t know that to cope,
you will probably need
to dissociate or avoid a conversation
that could trigger a feeling
or at worst,
an abreaction.
The whole thing’s a mess.
The complexities
around child sex abuse are huge,
and I am only scratching the surface.
As children, we are taught
to respect our elders:
be polite, listen, don’t answer back.
Adults know the best;
they are our teachers,
and as children, we trust them.
But what about turning
that premise on its head,
giving children a new education
that would give them
the tools to protect themselves
if ever faced with a difficult situation?
Have you ever empowered your child
to be able to say “No”
to an adult they knew?
Have you ever stopped to ask
your child what they would do
if an adult they knew asked
them to keep a secret?
And are you confident knowing
that wherever your child is,
they are armed with knowledge
and a language that would protect them?
As a child, the thought
of saying “No” to an adult
and someone I knew
would have just felt rude,
and I probably would have been told off.
But if that adult
was a menacing stranger,
then I had full permission
to not only say “No”
but to scream and shout and do anything
I could to draw attention.
Of course, this isn’t about being scared
of everyone we know and love,
but it is about giving young people
the right tools to know
how to handle difficult situations,
and this may well be
an uncomfortable conversation to have,
but if we want to make a difference,
if we want change,
and if we want to make sure children
aren’t being stripped of their innocence
and left with traumatic challenges
for the rest of their life,
then that uncomfortable conversation
is a low hurdle to jump.
Protecting children seems like the most
natural thing that a parent can do,
but the guidance being shared
with this focus on stranger danger
is just misaligned with real life.
I recently asked 50 children
aged four to sixteen years old
what they thought
the word “inappropriate” meant.
The majority of the responses I received
showed no real comprehension of that word.
But more importantly,
these responses
and the lack of understanding
would not protect a child
standing in front of a potential groomer.
I then wanted to know what these children
thought the word ‘trust’ meant.
While the comprehension
of that word was much more solid,
there was still confusion
around when and when not to allow trust.
Trust can be really misconceived
when used in inappropriate circumstances.
So if we are telling children to trust
by letting someone in
to help make them feel safe,
then this could be opening
dangerous doors.
And here’s the rub:
Of course, we need
to keep children innocent
and enjoy the magic of their young lives
with the people they love,
but how can any child judge a situation
if they cannot distinguish
between right or wrong?
I often thought I
was the luckiest girl in the world
when I met that new friend who showered me
with shiny, nice things and kindness,
but this quickly transitioned
to child sex abuse, and that was just me.
Multiply that by millions of children
around the world being sexually abused
every year
by someone they know.
I see warning signs
in children all the time
and behaviors that are just
not normal for children.
I find it incredibly frustrating
that no one is asking the right questions
or listening to that young person
clearly suffering.
I recognize now that my behavior
as a young girl changed rapidly,
and it wasn’t long before
I was in junior psychiatric care
being labeled a juvenile delinquent,
being told I was a failure,
the girl going nowhere.
A few warning signs
of something more sinister.
I made it my personal responsibility
to find out more than the 90/10 statistic
by engaging in holistic conversation
with people from all over the world.
I’ve spoken to survivors,
authorities,
whistleblowers, prison officers,
therapists, support groups, charities
and sex offenders.
By listening to these voices
on the subject of child sex abuse,
we can introduce conversations
that can bring about change,
fundamentally offering greater protection
around young lives.
We can educate young people to understand
what healthy relationships look like.
And by using this education,
we can then guide young people
to recognize what a potential
groomer might look like,
giving young people the right tools
to be able to cut the perpetrator off
before anything sinister happens.
Have you dug a little deeper
with that child who just seems
well … different?
Have you dug a little deeper
with that child whose behavior has just…
changed?
Maybe that child is suffering in silence
and needs you to be brave for them.
My determination to have
these uncomfortable conversations
is anchored around a desire to see
children sleeping peacefully at night
with happy dreams,
not nightmares that darken their days
and strip them of their childhoods.
On many levels,
the subject of child sex abuse
continues to be the elephant in the room.
I’ve been with people who just
don’t want to hear about these stories
because it upsets them.
But what about the child
that’s been degraded and traumatized?
What about their upset?
How about lending a more patient ear
to the child attempting to tell you
about the darkness in their life
or being more aware of warning signs
pointing towards a bigger
and more important consideration?
This is clearly a huge beast
of a conversation
that not many want
to fully acknowledge or engage with.
But we need to.
Because this is a life-destroying reality.
Once you have been sexually abused
as a child, your life changes forever.
You don’t live the normal
that others talk about
because you will never know
what that means.
Let’s start having
these uncomfortable conversations,
because somewhere in the world right now,
a child is being sexually abused
by someone they know.