Shattering the silence and shame of Child sexual abuse
i was sexually and emotionally abused
from infancy to age 18.
i can finally say those words out loud
my father raped me
words i couldn’t say for the 7433 days i
was silent
i was just a child i had no idea what
was happening to me was wrong
my father would say things like this
happens in all families
or what happens in the home stays in the
home he used fear to control me
i kept his secret and remain silent the
truth is
one in three children do not disclose
their abuse until they’re an adult
yep that’s me i’m a statistic
seven hundred thousand children are
impacted every year
seven hundred thousand and ninety
percent of those children know their
abuser
like me this is so hard for people to
understand
especially when you’re accusing a public
figure or a community member
or someone in a prominent occupation
like a coach
or a mentor or a teacher or a military
officer like my father nine and ten kids
this is not stranger danger my childhood
was one monotonous day on repeat kind of
like the movie groundhog day
i’d get up go to school have sports or
scouts and then abuse
every day i saw my shadow and i was
sentenced to another six weeks of winter
my world was colorless
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i discovered small ways to find my voice
like hiding my secret in a song i had
one of those press and play tape
recorders
and i would play a song hit pause and
then record
softly through the microphone that my
father was molesting me
then i would quickly erase it i would
also write it in a journal
or a notebook and i would tear the pages
out and rip them up
into unrecognizable pieces i so badly
wanted to get my voice out
i longed to be loud but i just couldn’t
if you’re a victim of sexual abuse you
feel muzzled or unable to tell your
truth
start small it could be a voice
recording on your cell phone
a written confession to your best friend
or a letter you burn in the fireplace
abuse and shame thrive in silence
the cycle of abuse cannot be broken
until you take the first step
not only for yourself but also for those
who don’t have a voice my father would
keep me silent by threatening me every
day
he would say things like don’t tell
anyone or you will never
see your mother and brother again this
was my father
he was supposed to be the one who loved
and cared for me
he’d be my best friend one day and
sexually abused me the next
i had my first slumber party when i was
- my best friend becca called me up
and said
hey when you guys pick me up please
don’t have your father come alone
because he reminds me of a rapist rapist
we both laughed it off i get it okay
but this this was the exact moment
i realized someone else knew finally
there was a word for what had been
happening to me
he was a rapist as i got older and
continued to learn what was happening to
me was wrong
i was afraid to speak up i desperately
wanted to be loud
but i had to find the courage the first
time i tried to tell someone i was at
bible study
ironically the topic was a parent’s love
for their children
with my heart racing and a lump in my
throat i
raised my hand and blurted out my father
has a different kind of love for me
oh my god i said it out loud
my stomach was flipping and the youth
leader says in front of
everyone penny all fathers have a
special love for their daughters
especially their firstborn and that was
it
it was completely glossed over i felt
minimized and alone
and if the youth leader said that all
fathers are this way
it must be normal must be the way it is
right but i knew deep down it wasn’t
and i realized in that moment that even
though she didn’t believe me i had to
keep pushing
my longing to be loud needed to be a
reality
i had to learn to love myself i matter
you matter
and your voice matters what has happened
to you is not your fault
loving yourself also means owning your
truth
when i was finally able to own my truth
the power was taken away from what
happened to me
i was finally able to show up for myself
if you’re in a situation like i was
and your abuser’s within your own family
search for someone you trust
it can be a mentor a friend a teacher a
coach
once you find someone to trust let your
words come pouring out
unleash your voice above all else be
daring
this can be the most difficult part
i saw my father violently push my mother
to the ground when i was 17.
when i saw her laying there helpless and
terrified
it stirred an anger inside of me i had
never experienced
all those years of abuse i had endured
was for a lie
i thought i was protecting my mother and
my brother
but clearly i was wrong i ran over to
him
and screamed in his face at the top of
my lungs never
touch my mother again standing up for my
mother finally gave me permission to say
no
i was able to tell my father never to
touch me again
i was no longer the child that he could
manipulate and control
three years later he finally paid the
price with an exceptional sentence
of 17 years because i spoke out loud
i dared to speak out i said to the judge
your honor have no mercy on him because
he has had no mercy on us
unfortunately it took me another 20
years
and my mother dying of cancer for me to
fully unleash my voice
shame and silence had a debilitating
hold on me i wanted to spare my mother
from the horrific details
i did not want to see her hurt
if you don’t deal with your demons your
demons are going to deal with you
and it’s going to hurt it’s one of my
favorite quotes by nikki six of motley
crew
but it’s true it hurts it’ll keep you
from speaking out
but you must decide your turning point
and speak out and keep speaking out for
those who mind don’t matter
and those who matter don’t mind they
will still love you
when i finally had owned what had
happened to me i felt empowered to fight
for federal legislation
for victims of sexual abuse have not
been able to find their voice
this was one of my most proudest
accomplishments
when i ultimately faced my fears i was
able to shout to the world without shame
my biological father had raped and
abused me
what i’m asking for you today is to join
me
stand up and be loud love yourself
own your abuse unleash your voice and
dare to speak out loud
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you