Silence of trauma and addiction confession of a child soldier
[Music]
[Applause]
it’s not the trauma
that destroys us is the silence
how does a 14 year old boy
end up in a battlefield
walking through
front of the line knowing
his next steps will be his last
in 1980 saddam hussein
attacked iran i was 14 years old child
soldier
on a suicide mission to dismantle land
mine
it’s in middle of uh it’s in middle of
frightening night on a battlefield
the noise is deafening
i can hear bullet whistling past my ears
i can smell the gunpowder and chemical
weapon
pouring from the sky
one of my friend beside me
steps on a landmine
and blows up
the impact of that explosion throws me
few meters away
for a moment everything is silenced
i can’t breathe i’m terrified
i can’t go back and say i’m sorry i
changed my mind i’m just a kid
and i can’t go through with my mission
what should i do now what would you do
i picked up my ak-47 i put it in my left
arm
and i shut myself
to save my life again i was 14 years old
the impact of that explosion
it was very traumatic
i had three major surgeries
and 93 stitches
after a few months my physical wound
healed
but i had no idea the impact of
psychological effect that would have on
me
for years to come
you see my mother was 11 years old when
she married
my father who was 32.
she had me when she was 13.
i was separated from her when i was 6
months old
by the time i was 9 years old i was
sexually assaulted beaten
psychologically abused
at the age of 14 i was a war veteran and
at 15
i forced into marriage
i could according to time magazine
backed by american psychological
association up to
60 of all ptsd victims
end up developing chemical dependency
my drinking got so bad that
i got caught by iranian authority in
syria damesh
alcohol was against islam and against a
new regime
i was scared i ran
i escaped from iran to istanbul from
istanbul
i went to east germany from east germany
i jumped into the midnight train and i
went to west germany i became refugee in
a refugee camp
for two and a half years
while i was in germany i of course drink
and drug
and to kill the pain
for the first time i experienced racism
at this time i’m emotionally fragile
people would come to me and say what are
you doing in my country
go back
at this time i feel like i’m not white
enough i’m not black enough i’m not good
enough so i better kill myself so i
tried i end up in hospital
you know in alcohol in
addiction and trauma coaching we talk
about geographical change
the idea that we change we can uh
you know we can change our location and
we can change and escape the way we feel
by changing our location
my world worldwide tour of refugee camp
end up in canada in 1988
but i really wanted to to live a better
life but i didn’t know
i was looking for a solution but i
didn’t know what was the problem
and there’s so many of us that
we have no idea the impact of trauma and
addiction that has on us
i’ve been to 17 treatment center 29
detoxes
psycho homelessness and
finally my last treatment center i’m in
this hotel room motel room with
cockroaches and
mouse and i my life is is almost
it’s finished and i couldn’t handle it
anymore i just missed my son’s wedding
and i just fell down to my knees
and i said i don’t know who you are and
i said
i don’t know what you called yourself
god jesus
allah buddha either kill me
or save me
the next day a couple of my friend they
came pick me up
that was my last treatment center and
my mission since then it’s been
to recover and help other people as a
result of that
for five years every week trauma group
counseling twelfth
step program uh exercise meditation
anything that it could help me
i’ve been speaking i spoke to over
thousands of people
listen to thousands of people to their
story
who would have known all the pain and
suffering that i went through when they
become an asset that it can help someone
else
as a result of that i was encouraged to
write a book about my life
which i did and that’s by itself was
very therapeutic
like there was a time that i was riding
and riding and i cried and i cried and i
ride
and it was a huge healing
you know
my topic being not being silenced
in our history shown the things that
people raise up and spoke you know and
spoke to truth and
not give up like rosa parks
refuse to change to get up and go
back of the bus that action changed the
whole
history of our human being here
what’s your change what’s your
silence that you’re keeping you know
i learned few things through my
experience of healing
the biggest things biggest one was and
is vulnerability
we cannot change we cannot grow without
being vulnerable
as a result of being vulnerable i find
connection
and true connection we can find love
compassion and true compassion and love
we can remove to change and any
challenges
emotional challenges we experience in
life
so i encourage you to have a compassion
conversation about trauma and addiction
do not fear the dark
that’s where the light lives
thank you
[Music]
you