How working couples can best support each other The Way We Work a TED series
Transcriber: TED Translators Admin
Reviewer: Camille Martínez
It may sound strange to bring up work,
but when we fall in love,
we often consider
what that love will do to our life,
and our work and careers
are a big part of that.
[The Way We Work]
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All working couples face hard choices,
and these can feel like a zero-sum game.
One partner gets offered
a job in another city,
so the other needs to leave
their job and start over.
One partner takes on more childcare
and puts their career on hold
so the other can pursue
an exciting promotion.
One gains and one loses.
And while some couples who make
these choices are satisfied,
others regret them bitterly.
What makes the difference?
I’ve spent the last seven years
studying working couples,
and I’ve found that it’s not
what couples choose,
it’s how they choose.
Of course, we can’t control
our circumstances,
nor do we have limitless choices.
But for those we do,
how can couples choose well?
First: start early, long before
you have something to decide.
The moment you’re faced
with a hard choice,
say, whether one of you
should go back to school
or take a risky job offer,
it’s too late.
Choosing well begins with understanding
each other’s aspirations early on –
aspirations like wanting
to start a small business,
live close to extended family,
save enough money
to buy a house of our own
or have another child.
Many of us measure our lives
by comparing what we’re doing
with our aspirations.
When the gap is small,
we feel content.
When it’s large,
we feel unhappy.
And if we’re part of a couple,
we place at least some of that blame
with our partner.
Set aside time at least twice a year
to discuss your aspirations.
I’m a big fan of keeping a written record
of these conversations.
Putting pen to paper with our partners
helps us remember each other’s aspirations
and that we’re writing
the story of our lives together.
Next: eliminate options
that don’t support the life
you want to live together.
You can do this agreeing on boundaries
that make hard choices easier.
Boundaries like geography:
Where would you like to live and work?
Time: How many working hours a week
will make family life possible?
Travel: How much work travel
can you really stand?
Once you’ve agreed to your boundaries,
the choice becomes easy
when faced with an opportunity
that falls outside of them.
“I’m not going to interview for that job,
because we’ve agreed we don’t
want to move across country.”
Or, “I’m going to cut back on my overtime
because we’ve agreed it’s essential
we spend more time together as a family.”
Couples who understand
each other’s aspirations
and commit to strong boundaries
can let go of seemingly attractive
opportunities without regret.
If you’re faced with an opportunity
that falls within your boundaries,
then what matters is
that the choices you make
keep your couple in balance over time,
even if they don’t perfectly align
with both partners' aspirations
at the same time.
If your choices are mainly
driven by one partner
or support one partner’s aspirations
more than the other,
an imbalance of power will develop.
That imbalance, I’ve found,
is the reason most
working couples who fail do so.
Eventually, one gets fed up
with being a prop
rather than a partner.
To avoid this,
track your decisions over time.
Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,
there’s no need to keep a detailed record
of every decision you make.
Just keep an open conversation going
about how able each of you feel
to shape decisions that affect you both.
How will you know you’ve chosen well?
One common misunderstanding
is that you can only know
what choice is right in hindsight.
And maybe it’s true
we judge life backwards,
but we must live it forwards.
I’ve found that couples
who look back on a choice as a good one
did so not just because
of the outcome eventually;
they did it because that choice empowered
them individually and as a couple
as they made it.
It wasn’t what they chose,
it was that they were
choosing deliberately,
and that made them feel
closer and freer together.