How to Support and Comfort Someone Going Through Grief
the 2020 pandemic has left
575 000 people dead in the united states
that number is approximately now 3
million dead worldwide
this is tragic and sad and devastating
certainly all of these people have left
behind someone they loved and loved
them back so imagine for just a moment
the amount of grief pouring
into every society around the world the
impending
grief ripple effect and the impact it
will have
on everyone what experts are saying
is that for every person who died there
are at least
nine newly bereaved what’s lost in this
entire conversation is the
unbearable grief of millions
who have been left orphaned or widowed
which is estimated to be nearly 2
million new widows
and an unknown amount of fatherless kids
in just
one year the fact is more men have died
than women worldwide
covet 19 has been a widow-making machine
and all of us we must become the
counterbalance
a hope making machine hope
that is aligned with a higher purpose
grounded with knowing better
and doing better and by staying
connected to others
the power of one this is something i
know
a little bit about i was a young widow
when i lost my husband i can empathize
with these women and those families who
are suddenly one day in a club they
never chose to be in and instead
they must face each day courageously in
a world
they do not recognize themselves and
coping every step of the way
i channeled that grief to help other
women grieve well
and to date we have served over 50 000
widowed women around the world
of all ages and backgrounds but if the
truth be told the true number is
unknown and probably much higher
every day in my life i talk to people
about difficult life moments
things like losing a partner a parent a
child
a job a dream home and security
but that wasn’t always the case i have
listened to actual grievers and watched
what actually worked to comfort them
so here are some of the practical and
wise insights
they have taught me they turned out to
be
pretty powerful building blocks of
resilience
insight number one there are three
powerful
and rare words you could say when
comforting someone through grief
and these words give them permission to
grieve and show
how much you care and love them those
words are
tell me more but before you say these
words let me warn you and prepare you
because
this is going to be a much longer
conversation than normal
because of the openness and the
vulnerability
that actually is needed you know they
deeply crave
this you have to think marathon not
sprinter
just let the time slip away and lean
into this moment of active listening
you might learn something important the
second
insight now that you’ve settled into
this tell me more conversation
it’s time to practice holding space and
what is that you ask
well it’s just another word for being
present and putting your phone away
but don’t worry this is not going to
take forever no
no matter what your brain is telling you
or the panic that you might feel
you’re probably going to say some
strange things
i’ve heard comments like i really
enjoyed reading his obituary
you were such a good writer and i’ve
also heard
i’m at a loss for words take it from me
being at a loss for words is a better
choice here
this is a time to actively listen
i can’t stress that enough you see it’s
only when our feelings rise up
that they can move through and out of us
this helps us to prepare to receive the
new that will come in
one of my favorite quotes is suffering
is lessened when shared
so let someone hold on to your grounded
hope
as you actively listen this third
insight i have for you is probably the
simplest of all
bring your smile this helps to alleviate
anxiety
boost your moods and increase your
endurance
it’s hard to smile gently when you are
hearing such hard things i get it
but it is possible a smile is contagious
and death can make a person’s joy harder
to access
but with a smile it can lead to humor
and
can be a sweet release there’s a saying
in the grief world what’s the most
important thing you’ve done this week
i survived your response can be
yes you did with a smile of
encouragement that is so
meaningful for both of you laughter and
tears
are often the ingredients of great
strides of healing
okay insight number four so now it’s
time to soothe yourself in the midst of
this
overwhelming conversation in which you
will feel like running away
because you may start to feel like your
own
your own emotions on edge and this is
completely normal
but here’s what you can do right now you
can take
three deep breaths that will activate
the calming centers of your
parasympathetic nervous system
it works the other is quite fascinating
you can take the palm of your hand
and place it on the back of your neck
which will cause the body to relax
activating the first developmental
memories of being soothed
and cuddled like an infant this works
remarkably well and no one has to know
that you’re doing it
so take your three deep breaths touch
the back of your neck
and keep going and my last insight
may be most misunderstood and certainly
under research but important to know
understanding the powerful difference
between bereavement and believement
is the same difference between grief and
growth
the mindset in which you approach this
conversation with a griever is
very different than any other kind of
communication
for one they are experiencing their
their loss physically as bereavement you
are experiencing their loss mentally as
believement
let me explain they are in a time of
physical and emotional shock disbelief
battling with their active emotions it’s
unbelievable and yet it’s still very
much alive for them
grievers do not know that they are
between these two worlds of bereavement
and believement
grief and growth that comes slowly
but you are comforting them
this is why you are so important
you are the bridge that allows them to
walk in that direction
it’s your empathy compassion
unconditional love
non-judgment and grace those are the
bricks upon which that bridge
is built thank you