Mastering the art of the uncomfortable conversation
ideal and uncomfortable conversations
for a living
now i know that sounds unusual
most of us shy away from uncomfortable
conversations because society teaches us
to avoid controversial and provocative
topics
plus uncomfortable conversations cause
us to sit with feelings that we all want
to avoid
such as resentment anguish guilt
i’m a former attorney and current
mediator
people come to me to facilitate the
resolution of legal disputes
i practiced law for 14 years before
becoming a mediator
and during that time i intended more
mediations than i can count
but always as a parties advocate and
almost always
i’ve represented the defendant when i
was practicing law the financial needs
of my client were most
important to me not their emotions
in hindsight i know that i didn’t really
see them as individual people
they were cases essentially just pieces
of paper
when i had time i did listen when they
spoke of their feelings but i
rarely had much time and i certainly
didn’t believe that managing their
feelings would impact my ability
to zealously represent them but now
nearly 15 years after i began my legal
career i serve in the position of
mediator
with a goal of helping people who are in
conflict come to a resolution of their
issues
with that change in my position my
perspective on the importance of
addressing the emotions
undergirding legal disputes shifted
almost instantly
this changed my career and infiltrated
my entire life
society teaches us that we need to be
nice
be polite essentially to lie if
necessary to protect the status quo
this is as deeply ingrained in the legal
profession as it is in any other aspect
of the human experience
surprisingly it has also been the status
quo to avoid
uncomfortable conversations during
mediations most mediators overlook the
party’s emotional needs but i
quickly realized that that approach
needed to be drastically changed
now i love an uncomfortable conversation
because i know that once we get through
it the negative feelings often dissipate
so that you have a clear understanding
of what the us legal field looks like
and the environment in which i find
myself
only five percent of lawyers are black
both men and women
accordingly black women make up less
than five percent of the profession
the numbers are even lower when we look
at black women
in mediation because the majority of
mediators at top firms are retired
judges
and the overwhelming majority of retired
judges are
white men i’m one of very few black
millennial women in the field so it
would be fair to say that i’m
just a bit different from most of my
fellow mediators you can imagine that my
approach and technique are different as
well
what i began to notice is this
certainly the parties are usually
arguing over money but it’s always
about the underlying feelings and
emotions
i began to explore different techniques
all of them
nameless and suddenly clients were
having breakthroughs
i encourage the parties to tell me about
their negative feelings
why they feel that way and what else has
happened to cause their
current emotional state when the parties
are willing to engage in this exercise
their discomfort births breakthroughs
i learned how to effectively have an
uncomfortable conversation
the key is revolutionary yet very simple
i ask curious questions and genuinely
listen to the responses
with an open mind and non-judgmental
heart
i started using this technique in my
personal life and every
one of my relationships has changed for
the better
i’ve discovered that the strategy i use
in the legal field
which i call the four cornerstones of
mediation
emotional intelligence cultural
knowledge
cultural immersion and genuine empathy
can also work for each one of us
in our daily interactions and
relationships
these four cornerstones are the
foundation of an uncomfortable
conversation
they are inextricably yet gently
intertwined
with each needing to be rock solid in
order for the process to work
so what is emotional intelligence
we’ve all heard of it it’s a buzz phrase
and is quickly becoming the go-to
measure of a person
primarily emotional intelligence
concerns whether we are
fully aware of our own feelings and
whether we allow that awareness
to control the way in which we lead our
lives
emotional intelligence also concerns
whether or not we are able to regulate
and control our own emotions
it’s become important because most
people don’t tell you how they feel
either because they don’t want to or
because they don’t know
how to describe their feelings
ask yourself can i identify my own
feelings
do my feelings help guide my decisions
do i understand how my emotions fit with
the people and happenings around me
and can i use this information to relate
and properly interact with others
it’s a lot to contemplate but this
phenomenon
happens seamlessly easily unconsciously
and instantaneously for many
cultural knowledge it’s all about
knowing the norms and values that a
culture holds
in other words how do one’s peers within
a given culture expect one to behave
in my work i see people from all
different communities
atlanta is genuinely a diverse
cosmopolitan city
here’s an example some cultures find
direct eye contact disrespectful
while most western cultures find a lack
of eye contact disrespectful neither is
right nor wrong
just different and variable from culture
to culture
how closely should someone stand next to
you
do you nod your head up and down to
indicate yes
or do you shake your head from side to
side to indicate yes
americans focus strongly on life liberty
and the pursuit of happiness
are those values innate to the human
experience
i don’t know but as an american i was
indoctrinated to believe that they are
not every culture holds these same
beliefs and that is fine
it’s neither right nor wrong it simply
is once we’ve studied
and gained cultural knowledge we need to
apply it
that’s where cultural immersion comes in
cultural immersion is exactly what it
sounds like
immersing oneself in another culture
study abroad programs are an excellent
example of this
cultural immersion involves putting
ourselves into a position
in which we can no longer view ourselves
as outsiders
or as strangers to a culture
this is crucial because actively
engaging with a culture and its people
will
teach you what they do how they live
and importantly why they do what they do
why they believe what they believe
ultimately cultural immersion helps you
see a new perspective on life
and the world and ideally in a
non-judgmental way
and finally genuine empathy
ever since i was a little girl i had a
strong
sense of empathy but as a lawyer i
felt the need to hide it shut it down
in fact i was specifically told that too
much empathy could affect how i did my
job as a defense attorney
as a mediator i’m able to tap into that
natural empathy and pull it back up
and i realized just how important it
truly is
at its most basic empathy can be
described as having genuine concern for
others and their well-being
but in this context the most important
aspect of empathy
is having an understanding of how people
feel
because we live in an ever more global
and multicultural society
for the billions of us to exist
peacefully on this planet
we need to know how to communicate with
each other
when we stand on the four cornerstones
i’ve identified
and build our capacity for kindness
within their parameters
we can harness their energy and come
into tremendous power
that power allows us to see each other
as individuals
free from judgment and with an
understanding of our own feelings
and an appreciation for the feelings and
points of view of others
sit in that discomfort
engage with the uncomfortable
and allow yourself to move through it
ultimately expressing your feelings and
listening to those with whom you
disagree
will free you of the discomfort allowing
you to move on with your life
unencumbered by that prior pain
one day while arguing with a friend i
decided to implement my cornerstone
technique
instead of jumping immediately to
continue to quarrel with her
as his natural instinct i stopped myself
i made the conscious decision to
consider her feelings
i considered her point of view and i
simply listened
i did so with an open mind and
non-judgmental heart
and we quickly got to the bottom of the
issue although my friend was arguing
with me because i had triggered her
anger
i had nothing to do with what was
actually bothering her
i never would have known that had i
argued instead of allowing an extremely
uncomfortable conversation to happen
i use a cornerstone technique with my
four children too
they’re ages 3 4 7 and 9.
to say the least they are a strong
willed group but
none is more forceful than the baby
he understands his emotions but he has
little ability to regulate those
emotions
and that looks like more than occasional
tantrums
i suppose i could argue with my
three-year-old but where would that get
me
it certainly wouldn’t get me any closer
to what i want which is to calm him
instead of arguing with him or trying to
rationalize with him because he is three
i sit down on the floor physically
getting down to his level
i scoop him up onto my lap i give him my
most concerned look and a huge hug
his heart stops racing he opens up
and he tells me what’s wrong i may not
even understand
everything that he says typically i
don’t but that’s of no consequence to
him
or to my efforts to soothe him it is no
matter
that i don’t know what he meant really
because he knows that i’m listening
the technique clearly works but i
receive a lot of pushback when i talk
about it in certain mediation circles
likely because they’re not ready to have
the uncomfortable conversation
that needs to happen i don’t mind the
pushback because i am determined to defy
the status quo
again my particular demographic
black woman millennial
makes up only a tiny percentage of the
legal profession generally
and even less of the mediation field
perspectives lived experiences
and expectations are different from many
of my peers
i could go along to get along but i
refuse to shrink
to fit the ready-made box
the current highly polarized political
climate makes clear
human interaction requires monumental
change because negative emotions
fester and eventually erupt
we’ve been indoctrinated to avoid
uncomfortable conversations but we now
have full
knowledge that there is a significantly
better way
all we have to do is try to see each
other’s perspectives
and view each other from new angles this
unique way of mediating that places our
emotions at the center in order to
discover the truth
is the new millennial way of having
uncomfortable conversations
when we enter a conversation with
curiosity
authentic listening an open mind and
open heart
both parties feel happier seen and heard
which is the beginning of the end of
conflict in our lives
our communities and ultimately the world
it’s the beginning of truly embracing
each other
as we master the art of the
uncomfortable conversation
thank you