Changing Our Communication with the Dying
[Music]
we’re dying wrong
dying is one of the most natural things
about living
and we’re doing it wrong we let barriers
get in the way of our communication
with our dying loved ones barriers
that can prevent us from having the type
of communication that will make our
relationship
stronger engage us with that dying loved
one
bring comfort to each other and
alleviate the distress that comes with
that time of life
we need to find a way of how to die
right but these barriers get in the way
is like fear fear of saying the wrong
thing
fear of not saying what we want to say
fear of diminishing hope or making
things
worse and we avoid awkward conversations
we stay clear of talking about taboo
topics
like illness death and dying
and we’re unaware of the
of the needs that the dying feel the
needs that the dying need
maintaining control independence
and dignity but we can get over these
obstacles
we can knock down these barriers because
improving our
communication creates a good dying
experience
so how do we get there where do we start
well the first thing we do
is we address those fears why are we
afraid of saying the wrong thing
i believe we place this here this
expectation on ourselves that is
just unrealistic we tell ourselves we
have to say what’s perfect
we look for the perfect words and the
perfect words don’t exist
so rather than wasting our time seeking
something
that doesn’t exist we should examine the
message that we want to give
and then ask ourselves if it’s
appropriate how do we know if our
message is appropriate
we look at the context we ask ourselves
is this the right place
is this the right time how well will the
person we want to speak
to receive the message when my
grandmother was dying
it was okay for me to talk about end of
life planning
when my mother was dying it was not
i had to look at the person i was
speaking to and the context of the
situation
next we need to start talking about
dying
we need to discuss death we don’t do it
because it reminds us that we’re mortal
it reminds us
that we’re only here for a short period
of time
and it reminds us that one day we
and our loved ones are going to depart
and that’s scary to us
we even try to convince ourselves that
if we don’t talk about it
it won’t arrive and we know that that’s
not true
so if we’re still dying even though
we’re not talking about it
why don’t we ask ourselves why aren’t we
talking about it
why are we going through this alone why
aren’t we speaking with our dying loved
ones
about our raw feelings why aren’t we
telling them
i’m scared too i’m angry
this isn’t good why don’t we go through
that together rather than walking alone
we can bring comfort to each other
through doing that
and lastly we need to start embracing
the needs of the dying
because embracing the needs of the dying
creates a good dying experience
when my mother was diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer
months down the road she was entering
hospice
and we gathered at the house and the
hospice nurse came to visit
it was myself and some family members
and as the nurse
asked my mother some questions every
time the nurse asked
a question one of my sister-in-laws
volunteered the answer
and although i know my sister-in-law’s
heart was in a really good place
she loved my mother she wanted to
demonstrate that
she wanted to help but as the
opportunities were missed
with my mother being able to respond for
herself
i also noticed that there was a change
in her demeanor
and frustration came upon her face and
finally she stood up
and she left the room a few minutes
later she returned
and she looked at everyone in the room
and my mom said
i’m still here i’m still here
this is my life i can answer my own
questions
her words were strong her voice was weak
but the message was loud and clear and
everyone in that room knew at that
moment
that my mother needed to have that
control
see the dying are not the dead
they’re still with us and when you have
a terminal illness
one of the things that you don’t have
much of is control
and it’s our jobs to use empathy and to
pay attention to that
and support our loved ones as much as we
can
so that they can maintain that control
and that dignity
even through something as simple a task
as
answering their own questions
years after my mother passed away my
siblings and i were cleaning out the
house
and my other sister-in-law came across a
handwritten journal that my mother had
started
when she first was diagnosed and she
gave it to me
and there was one entry in there that
still stands out in my mind
and that was there’s nothing harder
than talking to my kids about
this this was dying
and i wonder if my mother knew
that for me and for my siblings
that the only thing harder than talking
about my mom dying
was not talking about her dying i wonder
if that would have made a difference
in her dying experience and ours
i believe it did or i believe it would
i also know that it affected how we
grieve differently
some of us will not have the opportunity
to have these conversations
with our loved ones we won’t because
some of our loved ones will be taken
unexpectedly
so when you do have the opportunity when
those moments are there
use them communicate authentically
appropriately don’t leave
any unfinished business
tell them what’s on your heart go
through the walk together alleviate that
distress
and when the time comes release them
because that is how you die right
thank you
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you