How to Communicate in the New Normal
[Music]
when was the last time
you shook hands with someone
a lot about the way we communicate has
changed
the greeting for our new normal is eye
contact
it signals that a person is present
engaged and connected
it activates your social brain your
intentions and your emotions
i want to offer you a perspective that
can significantly change your life
what if i told you that eye contact may
govern how successful you are
take feedback i received after an
interview your lack of eye contact made
you seem
unprepared and insecure you aren’t
really a culture fit
the act of being seen is as important as
being understood
eye contact matters but what’s even more
important
is that eye contact means different
things in different cultures
for some eye contact is a sign of
confidence and attentiveness
we assume that if someone looks away
while we’re talking to them
they’re uninterested or looking for
someone else to talk to
for others too much eye contact would
actually be considered aggressive and
confrontational
avoiding it is actually a sign of
respect for bosses and elders
psychologists claim it can impact your
attention emotion
and even how you evaluate someone as
trustworthy or intelligent
now what happens in the brains of two
people when they make eye contact in a
virtual setting
studies show that when people made
real-time eye contact
they mimicked one another’s blinks and
the same regions of their brains
activated
when the video was delayed or not
presented the synchrony stopped
human interaction has changed
drastically due to the pandemic
we’ve added another layer that further
disconnects us
we paused our normal work routines and
many of us were forced into isolation
although technology has improved our
virtual experience we’ve encountered a
magnified gap
between bias and cultural competence the
lack of social cues or emotions
makes electronic communication more
challenging since social norms and
standards disappear in virtual
environments
this new normal can lead to unintended
consequences
our culture governs our communication
styles that in consequence govern
how we are perceived and in many ways
our communication styles
may be working against us by creating a
biased perception of who we are
whether it be how we make eye contact or
how we present ourselves in a virtual
setting
so does something like unbroken eye
contact and speaking up in a meeting
determine who gets hired or promoted
studies show that people in powerful
positions usually reward
styles similar to their own those who
tend to be indirect when giving
instructions are perceived as
less confident when work is accomplished
in the privacy of a team
the outcome of the team’s effort may be
connected with the person who is most
vocal about reporting results
so take cultures who tend to communicate
more indirectly and place value on
status
their communication style makes them
reluctant to put themselves forward
and they risk not getting credit for
their contributions
we make judgment calls on who gets
promoted based on who is participating
more
and as a result who moves up in an
organization is connected to how we
perceive others
but that perception may be flawed
whether someone speaks up or not
may also be connected to their culture
and may have nothing to do with them
being insecure or less confident
at one point i learned the hard way that
in fact any exchange of information can
become the basis
for judgments or misjudgments about
competence
after a recent training i received a
negative evaluation so i asked my
supervisor for an explanation
he said that i knew less than my peers i
asked how he had reached that conclusion
he said you ask more questions
so asking more questions may be
applauded in some cultures but
could play against you and others when i
started my career in the us i
naively believed that if i was always on
time never said no to a project didn’t
contradict others
met all my deadlines and gave my best
effort i would quickly move my way up
the corporate ladder
i was wrong i had a bigger problem
my indirect communication style was
getting in the way
i felt that i might not be accepted if i
shared an opinion that was
contrary to what others believed so i
avoided voicing my ideas and group
settings
i gave my power away to others by
assuming that their viewpoints held more
weight than my own i allowed myself to
speak
only when i knew my comments would be
met with approval
i was constantly told to be more
assertive and hold the line with your
customers
this created constant pressure in my
mind to be careful about
what i said and how i said it and i
became overly vigilant about how my
comments were received
so what happens when you put someone
quiet with someone who is loud in a
virtual meeting
the louder the other person gets the
more quiet the other one gets
instead of mirroring the energy with our
voice we do the opposite
we join calls with colleagues from
various countries cultures and
time zones and some want to occupy all
of the meeting while others
never really speak up how much of that
has to do with their culture
growing up in a mostly indirect culture
i used to believe that agreeing was
always better than disagreeing
i remember that thinking that saying yes
to everything was my superpower
it quickly turned into my biggest enemy
and led to
burnouts let downs and mental breakdowns
i over committed and always fell short
if i had to say no i was taught to
be nice about it and sometimes my subtle
no was
misinterpreted for yes so naturally
until i understood how my indirect style
was working against me
it led to professional and personal
hardships
so it’s fair to say that some cultures
are more direct than others
but when speaking up counts for half the
grade there’s a gap
now take your preference for power
distribution you get equally qualified
people on a call
but one may be a manager and the other
may be an individual contributor
people who place value on status will
rarely disagree in front of a manager
so they’re less likely to get noticed
ceos often make decisions in five
minutes about matters on which others
may have worked five months i recall
hearing a ceo
say if a person making the proposal
seems confident
i approve if not i say no this might
seem like a reasonable approach the ceo
obviously thinks he knows
what a confident person sounds like but
his judgment
which may be dead right for some people
maybe dead or wrong for others
and how much of this is accentuated in a
virtual setting
today virtual collaboration might make
up the single most
important element in the modern working
world so
how do we manage the cultural
differences that are inevitably present
in the new normal
it starts with awareness each of us
has his or her own distinct personality
on top of that are tendencies
assumptions and reflexes
handed down to us by the history of the
communities we grew up in
and those differences are very specific
so of course our ability to succeed at
what we do
is powerfully connected to where we’re
from
who we are cannot be separated from our
culture and when we ignore that fact we
fail
how others perceived my indirect
communication style
is proof of how misunderstanding can
lead to bias and how
if left unexamined can stop you from
being successful
awareness is just the beginning action
needs to follow
so how can we actually bridge the gap
from bias
to cultural competence so i ran a little
experiment on myself and started being a
little more direct
i began to say no more often tried
cutting my sentences in half
got to the point faster and i realized
it was okay to speak up in front of
others and
give them feedback more openly
regardless of their position my life
changed forever
i began to get noticed in the workplace
and realized that a small style switch
did the trick
so how can you apply this to your life
take a common scenario in which you’re
giving or receiving feedback
think about how the person you’re
interacting with communicates
and see if you can make a connection to
their culture before making an
assumption or judgment
if someone doesn’t make direct eye
contact or doesn’t participate in
meetings as much as you’d expect them to
maybe it doesn’t mean they’re
uninterested or insecure
but culturally that they’d rather speak
one-on-one instead of in a group setting
be aware of different communication
styles and avoid letting them
influence your assessment of a person’s
contributions
and when you find yourself jumping to a
conclusion assume positive intent
people might be struggling to get into
the conversation versus having nothing
to contribute
and their communication style might be
unconventional
rather than ineffective our perceptions
change our minds and our minds change
our reactions
so can our reactions change our outcomes
absolutely becoming aware of my own
communication style significantly
changed mine
this tiny shift in my communication
style stopped my brain from judging how
i think and feel about myself and how i
perceive others
here’s where it all came full circle for
the last nine years i struggled with
feeling a void in my life
we’ll call it a sense of belonging
leaving my family in south america to
start a life in the u.s
was one of the hardest things i ever did
but mostly because i was stuck
not believing that i could do it or that
i’d ever make it here
i remember being hired from my dream job
and letting the recruiter know that i
would be thrilled to accept the offer
but that i also needed help getting my
u.s permanent residence
the recruiter said hold on we weren’t
aware of this
i’m not sure we can do this for you i’ll
call you back
those five minutes were the longest i’ve
ever waited when i got the go-ahead i
thought to myself wow
i can’t believe it i got so lucky i
really shouldn’t be here
so for years and years into the whole
process i kept trying to overcompensate
and overachieve
i thought the us government would figure
me out and find out that i wasn’t worth
the green card
and that it would be denied and that i’d
be deported
it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that i
finally got it in the mail and on that
day
everything just clicked in my head two
things happened
first my feelings of doubt and
insecurity disappeared
and second i realized that none of my
imposter syndrome had to do with
where i’m from or what my cultural
background is but all to do with how my
culture was impacting the way i
communicate
so i stopped letting that get in the way
of my success
instead of using my differences as an
excuse to why i’m so verbose and
not as assertive as my american
colleagues i style switch when i have to
and guess what it works so i ask you to
do three simple things that can
dramatically change the outcomes in your
life
and in turn lead you to believe in
yourself and in others
first get to know yourself how do you
derive your identity
what is your preference for power
distribution
how do you make decisions in ambiguous
situations
how do you communicate directly or
indirectly
do you prioritize tasks or relationships
first
there are many cultural tools in the
market but i personally found globesmart
very helpful
second get to know others
and third learn how to bridge your
differences so you can
build on your similarities how we talk
and listen
are deeply influenced by cultural
experience
communication isn’t as simple as saying
what you mean
how you say what you mean is crucial and
it differs from one person to the next
because using languages learned social
behavior
although we might think that our ways of
saying what we mean are natural
we can run into trouble if we interpret
and evaluate others
based on our assumptions the trend
towards a more intercultural work
environment is
speeding up in the context of the
pandemic so next time you find yourself
in a cross-cultural or virtual team
try focusing on these three steps and
incorporate them
into your work routines pro tip
no matter where you’re from or what
culture you represent
how you view yourself is how you treat
yourself so
inhale confidence exhale doubt you are
what you give
so go share this information with
someone who needs it the most
gracias