3 Simple Questions to Empower Our Kids
Transcriber: Shaimaa Yahia
Reviewer: Hani Eldalees
Who would have thought
(Laughing)
that asking three simple questions
that I would have found
myself in a paint war.
Doesn’t that look like fun,
Yes, (Laughing)
but before I dive into those
three questions,
I want to give you a little
of my back story.
Twenty years ago, I was a juvenile
diversion officer,
my primary responsibility
was to hold
first-time juvenile offenders accountable
for their crimes.
But I wanted our program
to be more than a punishment.
I wanted those kids to understand
accountability.
And accountability isn’t just being
responsible for your bad choices.
You’re also responsible
for your good ones.
You are responsible for your decisions,
your actions and your attitude.
You are responsible for
the life you built.
Now, our program was relatively new
and I wanted an evidence-based strategy.
I wanted to know that what
we were doing worked.
So I did a little research and
I came across the group
called the search Institute.
And the Research Institute
at the time had surveyed like
over a million kids
and they came up with a list of
40 developmental assets.
Now, these assets were opportunities,
skills and values
that when introduced to a child,
they would be more likely to be kind,
caring and responsible.
And I looked through this list
of 40 developmental assets
and three of them
just jumped out at me.
They were under the term
Empowerment.
They were number seven, eight,
nine on the list.
Number seven was a child will feel
valued by his community.
Number eight is a child is given
useful roles in the community.
And number nine is that a child will
invest at least one hour per per week
serving their community.
And when I looked at these three,
they all spoke of community service.
And community service was a
big part of our program.
But what I saw is that the young people
in our program
looked at community service as
a punishment.
It wasn’t something they wanted to do.
It was something they had to do.
And I wanted to change that.
So This is when I brought in
three questions.
Now, I knew it was important for that,
for that young person to be connected
to his service project.
It needed to be personal to him.
And so I asked them to look
around the community.
What do they see that needs to be fixed,
changed or improved?
And when they identified a problem,
I asked them these three questions.
Do you play a role?
Can it be changed?
and can you change it?
If they answered “yes” to
those three questions,
they had an obligation to
do something about it.
They might not be able to fix the problem,
but they could move it forward.
And over and over again, I heard the same
the same problem. There’s nothing
fun for kids to do.
And a lot of these young people were in
my program because of alcohol use.
They were partying on the weekends
and when I asked them
those three questions,
they said, yes, we had a role.
Yes, it could be changed
and yes we could change it.
Their solution was to create the
Merick County Youth Council.
We had high school kids who
came on board to serve
and they began organizing
dances and concerts.
All of their activities were drug
and alcohol free events.
And we began to see two things happen.
We saw a decrease in juvenile arrests,
And the young people in our program
continue to do service
after they were done with
their program.
And I think the most amazing part of
their story
Is that this youth council
is still actively serving the community
19 years later.
(Clapping)
Now, this is an example of what happens
when we get three (yes)s
with those questions,
But what happens if
we get a No? What then?
one night late, I received
a telephone call.
It was the hospital calling me.
They had brought in a young lady
due to a drug overdose.
This young lady’s name was Christy,
and she was in my juvenile
diversion program.
I jumped in my car and
I raced to the hospital.
I prayed the entire way that I was
going to get there in time.
I pulled into the parking
lot and I ran inside,
I was told that
Christy had consumed two sheets
of over-the-counter cold medication,
16 pills in all.
Her heart was racing at 168
beats per minute
And she was at risk of heart failure.
I don’t remember a lot of
the chaos that night,
but I do remember when the
doctor came back in,
he told us he had her stabilized
and she was going to live.
A week later, Christy was out of
the hospital and in my office
and she was venting about how
much her life sucked,
her dad had a drinking problem
and she had been told it was her fault
and she was just angry and bitter.
I suggested to Christy that she
bring her problem to the table
and let’s address it with
those three questions.
And she was up for the challenge.
So we were looking at her dad’s drinking
and I said, do you play a role?
And she said, yes.
I’ve been told it’s my fault.
Can it be changed? and she said
" yes, I think my dad can stop drinking”
and can you change it?
And here’s where she paused
and she said, “No, Mary,
that’s up to my dad”.
I said, “Christy, this only works if we
can get three yeses,
and you got a yes, yes and a no.
So let’s change it up a little bit.
Let’s look at the problem differently.
Let’s make the problem be your attitude
about your dad’s drinking and try again”.
So I asked her, “Do you play a role?”
and she said, “yes”,
Can it be changed? And she said,
“if I want to”
(laughing)
I took that as a yes.
(laughing)
And can you change it?
And she said, “I’m the only one who can”.
And then she got a real stern look
on her face and she said, “Mary,
this is really serious. I need more time
to think about it”.
And she left my office.
(laughing)
only to come back two weeks later
and she came back
a totally different person.
She was happy and just full of energy.
I’m like, what’s going on? (laughing)
She said, “Mary, I’ve given this a lot
of thought and I’ve made a decision,
I’m going to go live with my mom”.
Now, this was not an easy decision
for her.
She was not just moving
to a different house.
This young lady was moving
to a different town,
she was going to be attending
a different school,
she was leaving all of her friends
and she knew she was giving
up some of her freedom
because mom had more rules to follow.
But she did it and her life
was transformed.
Because of the success that we
were having in this program,
I was invited to speak at a juvenile
justice conference.
But when I looked at our success stories
that didn’t belong to me,
they belonged to those kids.
So I didn’t go alone.
I took six kids with me and
they did the presentation.
They titled it “Give US a Chance
and we’ll take the lead”.
They talked about team building,
communication,
the power of community service.
And those three simple questions.
Christy, was one of the presenters.
I can remember the day she got up
to speak. She was terrified.
Her voice was quivering and she
was shaking.
but She did it. She did an awesome job.
If I would be asked today, do I know
someone with grit?
I think she’d make the top of the list.
I have stayed in contact with
Christy over the years,
she tells me those three questions
changed her life.
She still uses them today and she’s
teaching them to her children.
So I’m going to challenge all of you.
If you have a young person in your life,
introduce those three questions to them,
help them to find
a community service project
that’s meaningful and personal to them.
If you’re a community leader,
help give a voice to the
kids in your community.
Do you have a youth council
or a youth advisory board?
I would encourage all communities
to have a recognition program
that celebrates those kids
who are doing service,
help them be the problem solvers
that they were born to be.
And Who knows, maybe one day you’ll find
yourself in a paint war.
Thank you.
(Clapping)