How I Saved a Life with Fierce Compassion
[Music]
recently i was tidying up my parents
home when i came across my old school
reports
lucy is conscientious quiet gets on well
with others
primary school lucy is reserved kind
easy to teach secondary school again and
again the same words appeared
pleasant agreeable gentle and these are
in no way bad qualities to have
but looking back i see someone who was a
conformist
for decades i followed the rules obeyed
orders
have not wanted to upset people i
remained submissive to my parents and my
male counterparts
i thought pleasing others equated to
being kind
and then something happened i broke out
of the people-pleasing cycle
i found the quality needed to balance my
tendencies to over give
i found fierce compassion
fierce compassion not only saved my life
it saved the life of another
but before we get to that how do we end
up as people pleasers
for me it started at the age i realized
i didn’t
quite belong my cultural heritage is
chinese but i was born and brought up in
england with many of my elders still
living in hong kong
i couldn’t understand a word of
cantonese so i couldn’t communicate with
over half my family
they would affectionately call me a
banana yellow on the outside
white on the inside in my mind
i wasn’t quite western enough not quite
chinese enough
i was terrified others would see me as
an outsider
a fraud so i tried to create a sense of
belonging by getting others to like me
i became a human chameleon morphing into
a variety of characters
the polite chinese girl who sat quietly
at the back of class
the workmate who never said no to that
extra project
the diplomat who tried to keep everyone
comfortable
but there was a downside to this
approach often i felt unseen
misunderstood even resentful
finally i realized i was carrying the
shame of not belonging
and i was exhausting myself as a puppet
master constantly trying to control how
others perceived me
with self-compassion i began to meet
this longing for acceptance
for connection and i realized i could
give
this to myself i could give myself
permission to belong again and again i
said to myself
may i know that i am worthy
may i know that i am enough
and once i felt at home in my body and
in this world i was drawn outwards
i was caught to others who carried this
same shame and i helped them realize
that they
belong to
fierce compassion allows us to show up
for ourselves and to give
ourselves what we need this is often the
first step to extending this outwards
so how did i become strong fierce
first i had to realize how people
pleasing wasn’t serving me
it was my first peaceful protest
campaigning for the environment and i
was so excited
finally i was engaging in a social
action that felt aligned with my values
i was so excited i arrived early and was
waiting in the middle of a marketplace
a cheerful middle eastern store owner
was toasting pitter nearby
the smell of warm bread enticed me over
soon we started chatting
he was telling me all about his family’s
culture and asking about mine
i turned towards the protest now
approaching the sound of drumming
filling the air mixed with the scent of
fresh falafel
i smiled and i turned towards the store
lana
my sense of uplift disappeared as i
noticed a look of distaste on his face
he moved closer who are they
he asked they’re a bit weird aren’t they
and i would love to stand here now and
share with you how i told him that i too
was part of the protest
and why i believe we need to protect the
environment
but the truth is i couldn’t i froze
i didn’t want to be seen as strange i
didn’t want to see myself as an outsider
again
so i shrugged my shoulders and i said oh
i’m not sure
i wanted to keep our conversation as a
moment of connection rather than
highlighting our differences
i felt small as i grabbed my wrap
muttered a thank you
and slunk away
afterwards i felt disappointed in myself
like i’d abandoned a part of me
a part of me that cares deeply about the
issues of the world and wants to express
that
part of me that knows for the
possibility of change there needs to be
understanding and real understanding
doesn’t come from always being agreeable
and being unwilling to discuss the truth
of a situation
real understanding comes from being
ready to share your view
and being willing to listen to anothers
i had already nailed the listening part
for me to engage wholeheartedly in this
process i needed to start using my voice
i couldn’t start talking in front of
hundreds of people let alone a stranger
so i started small sitting opposite my
parents across the dining table
they were born into poverty in small
farming villages
they came here with the hopes of
building better lives for themselves
the generation difference was apparent
as were their priorities
for them job security and financial
stability came first
so when one evening i decided to share
with them my decision to step
back from my medical career to pursue my
dream of teaching meditation
well can you imagine
i felt a flushing in my chest and a
tight knot in my stomach
there it was the fear of rejection
even in front of the two people who had
cared for me since i was a tiny baby
i paused and i felt the discomfort in my
body
i allowed the butterflies to be there i
gave them space
i breathed into the tightness of my
belly
i whispered to my anxiety
it’s okay for you to be here
i know you’re trying to keep me safe
i felt the ground beneath my feet and
tapping into this sense of steadiness
i began to speak i realized the earth is
always holding me
connecting me to strength and stability
when i felt the urge to stop to merge
with the wallpaper
i whispered to myself
it’s okay for you to be heard
i’m here for you
that night i gave my decision and my
parents received it
they didn’t necessarily agree with it
but they received it
it was then i realized we can still
respect each other across lines of
difference
from that point i started speaking up
more only agreeing to take a job if my
pay was equal to my male colleagues
speaking out against injustice with time
i realize when i feel worthy enough to
be seen
the world doesn’t fall apart gradually
my voice became less wobbly
more assertive sure sometimes the words
would come out too abruptly
a little clumsily at first but i gave
myself a break knowing that this was a
new learning for me
the extra audrey part is this opened up
more conversations
authentic cards on the table
conversations
i felt more connected not less
these experiences give me hope for the
possibility of change
as powerful change must come from a
deeper understanding
i had misunderstood what it means to be
kind to be compassionate
i ask you now which words come to mind
when i say the word compassion
for me it’s things like soft
comforting nurturing
like the tender love a mother has for
its child
and whilst this gentleness is crucial
for healing
i had fallen into the trap of thinking
not rocking the boat equated to
compassion
but not rocking the boat can sometimes
be the difference between
life and death
i now know that the most dangerous
animal you can come across in the world
is a mother protecting its young think
of a mother grizzly bear who will do
absolutely anything to defend her cubs
compassion can be strong steady
fierce brave
and this fierce compassion is a
direction i wanted to head towards
and slowly it became a reality for me
both sides of compassion the soft and
the strong
the tender and the fierce both sides
need to be integrated
so that we can look after ourselves and
others
this became crystal clear to me when i
was a junior doctor fresh out of medical
school working on a weekend
they call this shift the baptism of fire
as skeleton staff we would run from
waterward forgetting to eat
rest or breathe i received a phone call
from a nurse
she was seriously concerned about a
patient in pain
i remembered the first lesson from my
training always
trust the nurse on paper he looked fine
his observations were relatively normal
but as soon as i saw his face i just
knew
something wasn’t quite right
i called my senior and asked him to come
take a look
he was unconcerned and tried to reassure
me
just give him some medication and move
on he said
when i repeated that i was concerned
something sinister was going on
he became irritated and hung up on me
my cheeks burned red from shame as
self-doubt in my inner critic appeared
i only had two weeks experience he
probably had
20 years worth who was i to challenge
him
so i went to look at the patient again
as i looked at his face i felt something
emerging within me
something strong fierce
a deeper knowing of what i had to do
in this moment i knew the life of this
man was more important than me being
liked
or found out as incompetent
inwardly i felt shaky adrenaline now
coursing through my veins
i picked up the phone and called the
consultant he was at home having lunch
with his family
i heard his toddler giggling in the
background
he was surprised to hear from me a
little stern
i had shown incorrect form by jumping
the hierarchy
nevertheless he listened as i calmly and
firmly said
sir my sense here is that there’s
something
seriously wrong i need you to come in
right now he arrived after what found at
the longest ten minutes in my life
the next half hour was a blurb with a
flurry of movement and phone calls
as the operating team mobilized the last
thing i saw were the wheels of the
trolley disappearing through closing
doors
hours later the doors opened the head
nurse emerged
and smiled at me i burst out crying from
relief
the action i took that day saved a life
but the truth is i could have been wrong
but realizing the consequences if i was
right about this man
me being judged possibly labelled as a
troublemaker
was worth it in that moment i could
take a stand why
because the stakes were high it wasn’t
about me anymore
it was about protecting another
even though i was shaking on the inside
that
was my mother bear moment
so i ask you what if we don’t see
compassion solely as a practice of
gentleness
what if we also see compassion as a
practice of protection
i know that there’s probably an issue in
your life that you’re concerned about
but you’re afraid to act
on maybe you don’t feel empowered enough
maybe you feel like you don’t have
capacity perhaps you’re worried
how others will respond maybe you’re
unsure what to do
but i invite you to ask yourself the
question what are the consequences of
inaction here
you don’t have to yell at your boss
straight away start small
have the difficult conversation you’ve
been avoiding speak up
even if you disagree learn how to say no
your fierce compassion doesn’t have to
look a certain way loud energetic
my fierce compassion is quiet
contained disciplined
it is filled with conviction
the amount of suffering in the world
makes my heart break again and again
but every time i stand up speak out
support those in need i feel a strength
there
a strength that stems from pure love
a love that encompasses courage and
wisdom
a love that is powerful
that is fierce compassion
thank you
you