How To Get Self Confidence A Virtuous Cycle
hello glasgow
hello you people up in the park seats as
well i can’t see you back
i’m sure you’re there hello hello so um
[Music]
for over 20 years at kissing with
confidence we have spoken to tens of
thousands of people
in all sectors including the university
sector at all levels
and um on their leadership skills
on their influence and persuasion skills
on their management skills and their
sailing skills
20 years tens of thousands of people and
at the beginning of many of these
programs we asked them well
what do you think’s important what kind
of skills or traits or abilities are
important
if you want to be an effective operator
even in your personal life your personal
life your social life and your business
life
what makes you good from the cocktail
bar to the boardroom
[Music]
and there are lots and lots of traits
and skills and abilities that come up
in respect of that but by far the
biggest word
in the word cloud
would be confidence sure it’s good if
you’re a bit charming and charismatic
it’s fantastic if you’re empathetic and
you’ve got about rapport going with
people
it’s absolutely brilliant and curiosity
come up in the introduction
it’s great if you’re curious it’s
fantastic if you make an impact all
of these things are important but every
single group puts confidence
right up at the top so by far as i say
self-confidence
would be the biggest word in the word
cloud
so here’s what we’re going to do in the
next 15 minutes or so
we’re going to together develop the
formula
for self-confidence self-confidence is
important
it’s an emotional intelligence skill now
yeah working your emotional intelligence
skills can be a little bit like chem
mailing jelly to the wall in other words
if you’re going to pass an exam if
you’re going to do a good spreadsheet if
you’re going to do things like that
it’s really important you understand
where you’re going with that spreadsheet
but you know where you’re right and you
know when you’re wrong
self-confidence not so much wouldn’t it
be fantastic
if there was a formula well that’s what
we’re going to do
and here’s how you do it i want to talk
to the person next year we’re going to
define self-confidence that’s what we’re
going to do right now we’re going to
define what self-confidence is
so talk to the person next to you get
into groups of three maybe groups of
four
and i want you to come up with your
personal definition of what
self-confidence is
as a life skill make as much noise as
you like talk to the person next to you
your personal definition
of what self-confidence is go on you
have 30 seconds to do it make as much
noise as you like go for it
what is self-confidence what is it
okay so back to me or is intense for a
second
now i’ve been doing this for about 20
years as i say so here are the kinds of
things that you are saying
so let me give you some things that
self-confidence is not self-confidence
is not
being fearless and thinking you can do
anything
that’s seven tequila slammers at half
past ten in a friday night
yeah so self-confidence that’s bravado
and bravado was very dangerous
self-confidence is hard won so it’s not
be fearless believing you can do
anything but actually
a little bit of fearlessness is good
when you’re doing a ted talk for example
just that little bit of fearless of
course i can do it yeah
but it’s not what self-confidence is
here’s hopefully what you were speaking
about
the simplest definition of
self-confidence ladies and gents
believe in yourself believe in yourself
have self-belief it’s as simple and as
complicated as that
self-confidence means believing in
yourself and having self-belief
but there’s another one i like you
probably like this one a little bit
better
be comfortable in your own skin be
comfortable with who you are
now let’s just stop that one there
that’s essentially what self-confidence
is
self-confidence means believing yourself
and being comfortable in your own skin
so how do we work in a formula
for that well it’s just summarizing it
be yourself everyone else has already
taken
oscar wilde i love that quote but here’s
my rider on it ladies and gents he’s my
writer on it
be the best version of yourself and be a
better version of yourself tomorrow
than you were today that’s what
self-confidence is
self-confidence is not easily one
self-confidence does not
come easy so here’s what we’re going to
do we’re going to
self-confidence is self-belief let’s
look at how you get self-confidence
and i want you to go into the same
groups for a minute i want you to think
of something that you are good at i want
you to think of something
that you do better than anyone else in
this room
there are 176 people in this room
i make better frittata than every single
one of you
i don’t know those of you who are from
mainland europe we’ll know what a
frittata or a spanish omelette is
those of you who are from the uk it’s an
omelette it’s a say omelette
i don’t care how good you are at making
omelette
i’m better you give me six eggs a bit of
broccoli some cheese
maybe a little bit of herbs maybe an
onion and a potato and i will make you
a frittata you will eat all weekend and
you will want to have another one the
next week if you put friday frittata
into instagram you will get 77
of my frittata recipes so there you go i
don’t care how confident you are at
making an omelette
miner right up there so here’s what i
want you to do think of something you
are good at think of something you do
better
than the average bear running jumping
acting spreadsheets cooking whatever it
is don’t make it drinking yeah
have a little chat have a little chat
how did you get good at it come on you
got 60 seconds if you’re on your own go
speak to somebody come on
60 seconds tell tell the group what
you’re good at go for it really go for
it what are you good at
what are you good at okay so back to me
listen gents
now so here’s where we are the kind of
things you’re seeing
well i practiced i like doing it after
a lot malcolm gladwell will talk about
ten thousand hours of practice
um i failed a little bit yeah i failed a
little bit
all that kind of stuff that’s the kind
of stuff that you get so here’s the
straightforward thing about
self-confidence ladies and gents
collect skills yeah if you want to
become more self-confident on anything
you collect the skills associated with
that thing
i don’t care how confident you are as a
person if i had a clarinet
up here yeah you’d make a real fool of
yourself if you thought
i can probably play that you wouldn’t
even be able to put it together
if you didn’t know how we went
instrument worked so it’s quite
straightforward
if you want to become more
self-confident at anything
you collect the skills associated with
that thing
take public speaking the thing before
most of everything students at harvard
university were polled they were asked
their biggest fear
public speaking comes up number one
number two is walking into a room full
of strangers and having to introduce
yourself
that’s big fear number two interestingly
big fear number three is snakes
and death is only number six yeah
so think about it if you talk about
public speaking the thing that i do for
a living if you talk about networking
walking into that room full of strangers
we have lots of irrational fears
you collect the skills associated with
that thing and you become more
self-confident
if you have any other way of becoming
more self-confident than that
i would love you to tell me what it is
it’s hard one it takes practice
so if you want to become more
self-confident you collect the skills
associated with that thing
but that’s the easy bubble there’s a
third bubble there’s another bubble
to complete the confidence formula now i
want to see if you can get it before i
put it up there
it’s not as simple as collecting the
skills there’s much more to it than
collecting the skills
so think of that thing you are good at
imagine becoming an expert
in it yeah imagine becoming an expert in
it how do you become
what do you need to do apart from
collect skills if you really want to
become an expert at something you’ve got
30 seconds in your little groups come on
have a little chat about that
what would you put in the third bubble
before i put it there before i complete
the formula
go for it okay
how many of you got it self-awareness
so kissing with confidence we have spent
our lifetimes teaching this
if you want to become more confident in
anything you collect the skills
associated
with that thing and then what you get
is feedback tell the person next to you
how much you love feedback be honest
tell the person next to you how much you
love
instant fierce assertive
direct useful feedback be honest tell
the person next to you go on
go on go on tell a person next year tell
the person next year
okay so back to me
you have to do all three too many of us
collect a few skills
and become a little bit more
self-confident and then we kind of tuck
it so let me tell you a story about a
about a tennis player about a scottish
tennis player
andy murray so when andy murray is
number four in the world he’s 25 years
old he’s got 10 million pounds in the
bank he’s doing
all right for himself his new coach evan
lendl says you’re never going to win a
major randy
the three guys above you have got second
serves are over 100 miles an hour yours
is 80 miles an hour
there’s the data your second serve is
number 150 in the world
it is not possible to win a major
tournament unless you get your second
serve above 100 miles an hour
so come on this is the easiest question
i will ask you tell the people you’ve
been working with
what do you know his return of serve was
as good as the other three guys
his first serve was as good as the other
three guys his court coverage was as
good as the other three guys
you get 10 seconds tell the person next
year what did andy murray have to work
on
in order to have a chance to win a major
and become number one
in the tennis world and bear in mind
nine andy murray is playing a sport
we don’t play in scotland because it’s
always raining and there are only three
red tennis courts go for it what was you
having to work on tell them in 10
seconds tell them to tell your colleague
so you know this lady represents yeah
you know this
andy murray has to work in his second
serve
so it’s really interesting it’s really
interesting
the confidence formula is a little bit
like juggling
it’s a little bit like juggling and it’s
interesting because you know there’s
some juggling balls out there
and you know if you can juggle or you
know if you can’t juggle
so if you can juggle i would like you to
come up in the stage juggle with three
balls i would like you to come up on the
stage
and have a little juggle with me now i
know there are at least two of you hope
you come if you can juggle get yourself
up on the stage or you come up you come
i think that’s john have we got another
one have we got another one
i think we’ve got nick as well let me
come
i hope you get juggling balls as well is
this is it nick is it give me a pause as
he comes up
[Applause]
so these guys can apparently juggle with
three balls i’m gonna i’m gonna take one
ball from you
and i’ll take one ball from you and i
want nick and john to juggle with two
balls
suck now all of you who can juggle with
two balls are thinking they can join the
rubbish at juggling because i can juggle
like that and i’m really good and
they’re kind of doing all this kind of
crap
now here’s what was interesting for me
because they’re so terrible at juggling
with two balls
i know both of these lads can juggle
with three because you have to unlearn
the two ball juggling technique
in order to learn to juggle with three
now as soon as they can juggle with
three
you’re gonna give them a massive round
of applause but only once they do it
three two one guys go for it
so that’s the confidence roger thank you
very much give another applause ladies
and gents
so that’s the confidence formula that is
intense yeah
self-confidence comes from collecting
skills it’s hard one
but if you just do the two-one two-ball
juggler i collect a few skills i went on
a training program or in a leadership
program
i learned to do that a little bit and
then you give up
the self-confidence disappears and
actually one of the reasons we give up
is we get that feedback
you’re not very good at that i don’t
like the way you did that
feedback can be fierce but you learn
from feedback and when you get that
feedback when you get that
self-awareness
it inspires you to go and collect some
more skills as you collect some more
skills guess what
you become more self-confident as you
become more self-confident you accept
the feedback better
you’re with me as you accept the
feedback better you start to crave the
skills
you start to look for the skills you
become more self-confident
as you become more self-confident
eventually yeah
eventually you don’t just look for them
a little bit eventually you find the
best person in the world to give you
feedback
you find the expert and they will give
you feedback and they’ll say you’re
three out of five just now you’re four
out of five to stay
how would you like to be five out of
five ladies and gentlemen the confidence
formula
is about behavior change so the thing i
want to leave you with
i’ve still got loads of things i want to
get better at over the over the pace
yeah
the thing i want to leave you with is if
you become a three-ball juggler
in any of these skills you’re trying to
learn in these abilities you’re trying
to learn
what it means is looking at your
feedback and looking at your
self-awareness being self-aware
and going and collecting those skills
and that feeds your self-confidence
whether it’s
public speaking whether it’s networking
whether it’s your studies
or whether it’s any individual trait
that you want the bad news is it doesn’t
come easily
the good news is with time and patience
and self-awareness and feedback and
collecting those skills
you will become more self-confident
quite literally
anything it’s really got nothing to do
with those seven tequila
slammers enjoy the rest of your day
thanks very much