Why domestic violence victims dont leave Leslie Morgan Steiner
I’m here today to talk about a
disturbing question which has an equally
disturbing answer my topic is the
secrets of domestic violence and the
question I’m going to tackle is the one
question everyone always asks why does
she stay why would anyone stay with a
man who beats her I’m not a psychiatrist
a social worker or an expert in domestic
violence I’m just one woman with a story
to tell I was 22 I had just graduated
from Harvard College I’d moved to New
York City for my first job as a writer
and editor at Seventeen magazine I had
my first apartment my first little green
American Express card and I had a very
big secret my secret was that I had this
gun loaded with hollow-point bullets
pointed at my head by the man who I
thought was my soul mate many many times
the man who I loved more than anybody on
earth held a gun to my head and
threatened to kill me more times than I
can even remember I’m here to tell you
the story of crazy love a psychological
trap disguised as love one that millions
of women and even a few men fall into
every year it may even be your story I
don’t look like a typical domestic
violence survivor I have a BA in English
from Harvard College an MBA in marketing
from Wharton Business School I spent
most of my career working for fortune
500 companies including Johnson &
Johnson Leo Burnett and the Washington
Post I’ve been married for almost 20
years to my second husband and we have
three kids together
my dog is a black lab and I Drive a
Honda Odyssey minivan
so my first message for you is that
domestic violence happens to everyone
all races all religions all income and
education levels it’s everywhere and my
second message is that everyone thinks
domestic violence happens to women that
it’s a women’s issue not exactly over
85% of abusers are men and domestic
abuse happens only in intimate
interdependent long-term relationships
in other words in families
the last place we would want or expect
to find violence which is one reason
domestic abuse is so confusing I would
have told you myself that I was the last
person on earth who would stay with a
man who beats me but in fact I was a
very typical victim because of my age I
was 22 and in the United States women
ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely
to be domestic violence victims as women
of other ages and over 500 women and
girls this age are killed every year by
abusive partners boyfriends and husbands
in the United States I was also a very
typical victim because I knew nothing
about domestic violence its warning
signs or its patterns I met Connor on a
cold rainy January night he sat next to
me on the New York City subway and he
started chatting me up he told me two
things one was that he too had just
graduated from an Ivy League school and
that he worked at a very impressive Wall
Street bank but what made the biggest
impression on me that first meeting was
that he was smart and funny and he
looked like a farm boy he had these big
cheeks these big apple cheeks and this
wheat blonde hair and he seemed so sweet
one of the smartest things Conner did
from the very beginning was to create
the illusion that I was the dominant
partner in the relationship he did this
especially at the beginning by idolizing
me
we started dating and he loved
everything about me that I was smart
that I’d gone to Harvard that I was
passionate about helping teenage girls
and my job he wanted to know everything
about my family and my childhood my
hopes and dreams
Connor believed in me as a writer and a
woman in a way that no one else ever had
and he also created a magical atmosphere
of trust between us by confessing his
secret which was that as a very young
boy starting at age four he had been
savagely and repeatedly physically
abused by his stepfather
and the abuse had gotten so bad that he
had had to drop out of school in eighth
grade even though he was very smart and
he’d spent almost 20 years rebuilding
his life which is why that Ivy League
degree and the wall street job and his
bright shiny future meant so much to him
if you had told me that this smart funny
sensitive man who adored me would one
day dictate whether or not I wore makeup
how short my skirts were where I lived
what jobs I took who my friends were and
where I spent Christmas I would have
laughed at you because there was not a
hint of violence or control or anger in
Connor at the beginning I didn’t know
that the first stage in any domestic
violence relationship is to seduce and
charm the victim I also didn’t know that
the second step is to isolate the victim
now Connor did not come home one day and
announce you know hey there’s all this
Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great
but I need to move into the next phase
where I isolate you and I abuse you
so I need to get you out of this
apartment where the neighbors can hear
you scream and out of this city where
you have friends and family and
co-workers who can see the bruises
instead Connor came home one Friday
evening and he told me that he had quit
his job that day his dream job and he
said that he had quit his job because of
me
because I had made him feel so safe and
loved that he didn’t need to prove
himself on Wall Street anymore and he
just wanted to get out of this city and
away from his abusive dysfunctional
family and moved to a tiny town in New
England where he could start his life
over with me by his side now the last
thing I wanted to do was leave New York
and my my dream job but I thought you
made sacrifices for your soulmate so I
agreed and I quit my job and Connor and
I left Manhattan together I had no idea
I was falling into crazy love that I was
walking headfirst into a carefully laid
physical financial and psychological
trap the next step in the domestic
violence pattern is to introduce the
threat of violence and see how she
reacts and here’s where those guns come
in as soon as we move to New England you
know that place where Connor was
supposed to feel so safe he bought three
guns he kept one in the glove
compartment of our car he kept one under
the pillows on our bed and the third one
he kept in his pocket at all times
and he said that he needed those guns
because of the trauma he’d experienced
as a young boy he needed them to feel
protected but those guns were really a
message for me and even though he hadn’t
raised a hand to me my life was already
in grave danger every minute of every
day
Connor first physically attacked me five
days before our wedding it was 7:00 a.m.
I still had on my nightgown I was
working on my computer trying to finish
a freelance writing
Simon and I got frustrated and Connor
used my anger as an excuse to put both
of his hands around my neck and to
squeeze so tightly that I could not
breathe or scream and he used the
chokehold to hit my head repeatedly
against the wall five days later the ten
bruises on my neck had just faded and I
put on my mother’s wedding dress and I
married him despite what had happened I
was sure we were gonna live happily ever
after because I loved him and he loved
me so much and he was very very sorry he
had just been really stressed out by the
wedding and by becoming a family with me
it was an isolated incident and he was
never gonna hurt me again
it happened twice more on the honeymoon
the first time I was driving to find a
secret beach and I got lost and he
punched me in the side of my head so
hard that the other side of my head
repeatedly hit the driver’s side window
and then a few days later driving home
from our honeymoon he got frustrated by
traffic and he threw a cold big Mack in
my face
Connor proceeded to beat me once or
twice a week for the next two and a half
years of our marriage I was mistaken in
thinking that I was unique and alone in
this situation one in three American
women experiences domestic violence or
stalking at some point in her life and
the CDC reports that 15 million children
are abused every year 15 million so
actually I was in very good company back
to my question why did I stay the answer
is easy I didn’t know he was abusing me
even though he held those loaded guns to
my head pushed me downstairs threatened
to kill our dog pulled the key out of
the car ignition as I drove down the
highway poured coffee grinds on my head
as I dressed for a job interview
I never once thought of myself as a
battered wife instead I was a very
strong woman in love with a deeply
troubled man and I was the only person
on earth who could help Connor face his
demons the other question everybody asks
is why doesn’t she just leave
why didn’t I walk out I could have left
any time to me this is the saddest and
most painful question that people ask
because we victims know something you
usually don’t it’s incredibly dangerous
to leave an abuser because the final
step in the domestic violence pattern is
kill her
over 70% of domestic violence murders
happen after the victim has ended the
relationship after she’s gotten out
because then the abuser has nothing left
to lose other outcomes include long term
stalking even after the abuser remarries
denial of financial resources and
manipulation of the family court system
to terrify the victim and her children
who are regularly forced by Family Court
judges to spend unsupervised time with
the man who beat their mother and still
we ask why doesn’t she just leave I was
able to leave because of one final
sadistic beating that broke through my
denial I realized that the man who I
loved so much was going to kill me if I
let him so I broke the silence I told
everyone the police my neighbor’s my
friends and family total strangers and
I’m here today because you all helped me
we tend to stereotype victims as grisly
headlines self-destructive women damaged
goods the question why does she stay is
code for some people for
it’s her fault for saying as if victims
intentionally choose to fall in love
with men intent upon destroying us
but since publishing crazy love
I have heard hundreds of stories from
men and women who also got out who
learned an invaluable life lesson from
what happened and who rebuilt lives
joyous happy lives as employees wives
and mothers lives completely free of
violence like me because it turns out
that I’m actually a very typical
domestic violence victim and a typical
domestic violence survivor i remarried a
kind and gentle man we have those three
kids I have that black lab and I have
that minivan what I will never have
again ever is a loaded gun held to my
head by someone who says that he loves
me now right now maybe you’re thinking
wow this is fascinating or wow how
stupid was she but this whole time I’ve
actually been talking about you I
promise you there are several people
listening to me right now who are
currently being abused or who were
abused as children or who are abusers
themselves
abuse could be affecting your daughter
your sister your best friend right now I
was able to end my own crazy love story
by breaking the silence I’m still
breaking the silence today it’s my way
of helping other victims and it’s my
final request of you talk about what you
heard here abuse thrives only in silence
you have the power to end domestic
violence simply by shining a spotlight
on it we victims need everyone we need
every one of you to understand the
secrets of domestic
violence show abuse the light of day by
talking about it with your children your
co-workers your friends and family
recast survivors as a wonderful loveable
people with full futures recognize the
early signs of violence and
conscientiously intervene deescalate it
show victims a safe way out together we
can make our beds our dinner tables and
our families the safe and peaceful oasis
they should be thanked