The Road to Having a Tough Conversation
hey guys
there’s something that i need to talk to
you about
i just want you to know that whatever
i’m about to say
or whatever i’m about to bring up we
could be mature about it
because i don’t want there to be any
animosity between us afterward
now i will listen to whatever you have
to say after this but i hope that you
can listen to me as well
so how was that were you ready to hear
something that may have been difficult
to hear
did you feel comfortable with us
starting a conversation that may be hard
to have
well i hope you did because i want to
have a conversation with you
about how to have a tough conversation i
believe the most important part to any
relationship whether it’s
with a parent a friend or significant
other is conversation
when you have to tell your parents that
you got an awful grade in school or you
have to tell a friend they’ve been
drinking too much and it’s becoming a
problem and affecting their health
or if you see someone making a racist
comment and knowing it’s wrong
or even if you have to break up with
someone none of these conversations are
easy
but they are necessary so i thought it
would be nice for you and i to sit down
have our own conversation maybe go for a
drive
is it okay if i drive i kinda need the
practice right now
so what were we talking about oh right
i’m gonna tell you a story but first
seat belt
this story begins a couple of months ago
and my friends and i were having a very
interesting conversation
it was the first time that we truly
disagreed on something that wasn’t just
a tiny little topic debate
we started the conversation off on text
right off the bat that wasn’t a good
idea
words got misinterpreted and everything
immediately escalated
we were all in positions where we
thought we were right and we were barely
listening to each other we decided to go
on facetime and actually talk
if you’re going to have a hard
conversation with someone no matter who
it is it should be face to face
it allows for a better exchange of
information since both speaker
and listener are able to interpret body
language and facial expressions
a study from harvard business review had
shown that if someone wanted to make a
request to their boss
asking face to face is 34 times more
successful than asking through an email
so we all set our points and i’m not
gonna lie we all got very mad at each
other
there was yelling confrontation hurtful
personal comments and a whole lot of
chaos
there were most definitely tears shed
but the main takeaway was that as soon
as we got on facetime
face to face and said what we needed to
say and had that conversation
we were able to understand each other i
want to say this was like a speed bump
for us
it was necessary a little hard to get
over but it was there for a reason
the conversation ended up growing our
friendship and even brought us closer
i know it sounds corny but it happened
having conversations
no matter how hard it is is the most
important part to any relationship
should i turn left or right right okay
i’m sure we’ve all experienced something
similar to my story
sometimes people will do this
subconsciously but the first thing that
you have to do is acknowledge the fact
that you have to have a hard
conversation
the thing with hard conversations is
that you just have to face that you’re
about to say something that may be
difficult to hear
you not only have to tell yourself that
this conversation is necessary but you
have to let the person that you’re about
to talk to know that they’re about to
hear something that may be difficult to
hear
the last thing you want to do is spring
on this huge topic and not prepare them
first
here’s a scenario you’re telling your
parents that you got a really bad mark
on a test
mom dad
i need to talk to you this is really
difficult for me to bring up to you
because i feel embarrassed
but i knew that you would find out
anyways
i got a really bad mark on my math test
and just like that
you’ve prepared them for the bad news
whoever you’re about to have a tough
conversation with
whether it’s hard for them to hear it or
hard for you to say it you should be
prepared
and you should prepare them no one wants
a conversation like this to be sprung on
to them all of a sudden
right so back to my story we ended up
understanding each other
and i feel like the reason we got to do
that is because we set ground rules
we knew that there was potential for
someone to get upset and knowing that we
had to make sure we didn’t cross a line
where that would happen
you can kind of think of them like rules
of the road
stop sign almost missed that my good
friend oprah said that a way to set
ground rules is by saying
let’s not call names let’s not swear
throw things
whatever no name calling whatever your
ground rules might be
okay i don’t want you getting mad
no matter what i say i don’t want us to
yell at each other or personally hurt
each other
okay here goes nothing
oprah’s not really my good friend
i’m gonna make a left turn here oh look
there’s my old school
i’ve had to have a lot of hard
conversations there from broken
friendships to talking to teachers about
a bad grade but the worst
by far were the ones where i had to talk
about racism and sexism
there are so many people out there who
don’t necessarily have the same
opinions and thought patterns that i do
that lots of us do
some people believe that making a brown
joke or a black joke is not racist
now don’t get me wrong everyone’s
allowed to have their own opinion but we
can agree to disagree on pizza toppings
not human rights when you’re in a
conversation with someone or an argument
you do always have to listen to their
side in their opinion
one of the biggest mistakes made when
having a tough conversation is not
listening to the other person
so many people will blank out on what
the other person is saying and will try
to formulate their thoughts instead of
listening
kind of like when someone will try to
text while driving they’re distracted so
they’re not paying attention to what
really matters
the road every time i’ve had to have a
conversation with someone about how
women can be just as strong as men and
how it doesn’t matter what color your
skin is we all deserve the same rights
and freedoms
i’ve had to listen to the other side as
well don’t necessarily agree with the
other side
but i’ve had to listen a heavy
conversation can come up at any time
you could just be hanging out with your
friends when one of them makes a joke
about women’s rights and sexual assaults
thinking it’s funny
now thankfully this has never happened
to me but it has happened to so many
other people
when you come across a friend who you
thought cared just as much about human
rights as you do
and then you hear them make a racist
sexist or homophobic comment
it’s like whiplash you slam on the
brakes
your body jerks forward your heart sinks
and the blood rushes to your head
it’s unexpected but you know that if you
didn’t care about them you wouldn’t be
saying anything
after you get whiplash they put you in a
neck brace to brace yourself for the
recovery
so in this situation you have to brace
yourself for this conversation
there are five stages of discrimination
and it all starts with stereotypes
it has to stop there too there’s a time
to call people out
and there’s a time to call people in now
is the time to call them in
to the conversation and call them out
for what they’ve said
the hardest thing to do is to stand up
to someone you love someone you care
about
it is difficult to advocate for yourself
and someone else
but it’s also extremely important
because it’s the first step to educating
them
most people say that practicing to drive
in a parking lot is much easier than on
the road
i completely disagree i personally think
the parking lots are terrifying
mostly because of a couple little
hiccups from when i’ve been in one
however once your drive is over you have
to park it’s sort of inevitable
just like how you have to end your
conversation a topic may come up in the
future where you’d have to put your
newfound conversational skills to work
but just because the journey is coming
to an end doesn’t mean that the car will
never move again
it won’t stay in park forever now
remember
the best way to park a car or end a
conversation is to face forward
looking ahead into the future the best
part about it is that when you have to
get back in the car
or have another hard conversation you
don’t have the option to back
out you just have to drive ahead and go
for it
thank you