Connection with the Enemy
[Applause]
a friend from the military
used to say that people suck until we
get to know him and we laugh because on
some level
we recognize the truth in those words
hidden in our laughter is the root of
our problem
what does it mean to know someone how do
we go from a
disconnected world filled with fear and
isolation
to one that’s filled with joy and a true
sense of belonging
technology allows us to have hundreds of
friends
on social media and that does seem like
the answer
until we face crisis but it’s in those
times of crisis that we realize
that real connection is what matters
genuine deep intense connection
is essential not only for our survival
but our capacity to create vital lives
that are worth living to connect with
our vitality
we must expose ourselves to the core
imagine that you’re in one of the worst
places on earth
in that place you’ll know fear
you’ll constantly be looking over your
shoulder because there are groups
actively trying to kill you you’ll
experience
mind twisting stress and feel loss so
deep and overwhelming
that something inside of you snaps
in that place roughly a quarter of your
teammates will be killed
by an enemy that you cannot see
what keeps you going and what keeps you
safe is the person next to you
for months you’re almost never more than
an arm’s length away from your teammates
in that proximity and pressure you form
bonds
so deep and powerful that you
consciously choose
to risk your lives for each other
this was fallujah iraq in 2006
where i deployed as a member of the
navy’s bomb squad
i came home from that deployment and
found myself back in san diego
california
the san diego area is home to numerous
military installations and
tens of thousands of troops to celebrate
my return
some friends invited me to dinner and of
course they wanted to know how things
went in fallujah
a woman i didn’t know asked fallujah
i clarified that i had been deployed to
iraq
to which she responded iraq
are we still there
not only were we still there but
casualties were spiking
and the us would soon deploy thousands
more troops and extend deployments to a
year and a half
what i couldn’t understand was what we
did she feel at the end of the dinner
when she said
thank you for your service not having
asked what that service cost
why was she thanking me
real connection is more than exchanging
pleasantries
it’s more than accepting friend requests
or tapping like
on social media real connection
is knowing someone so intimately that
you see the good
the bad the bizarre
the ugly real connection
is letting your someone see and know the
same things
about you
i remember being outside of fallujah
and watching my friend get blown apart
by a roadside bomb
i remember how our security marines took
special care of what was left of him
so that my team leader and i
wouldn’t need to put our friend in a
body bag
i remember the gentle way in which these
battle-hardened men
gave my team leader and i space
and silence as we laid our friend on the
ground outside of mortuary affairs
they were so connected to our pain they
knew without words
that we wanted some semblance of privacy
to say goodbye
there’s a special power that comes when
you connect with someone at such a deep
level
the willingness to connect in such raw
and intense ways
is what has bonded one person to another
throughout countless calamities
the pain of losing my friend was so
intense that while i tried to
compartmentalize it
to stay focused on the ever-increasing
danger some part of me desperately
needed someone from home to understand
i wrote a trusted friend about what i
was facing and my fears that i too would
come home in a bag
what i repeatedly received in return
were emails
about how great the weather was at first
i thought
she must not understand so he used more
and more direct language
until finally asking outright why she
wasn’t acknowledging my pain and fear
and after such direct confrontation
well the weather was still great
in san diego
what’s strange is that a deep sense of
connection is not reserved
only for those we know and like in
contrast
to the experience i had with my friend i
sensed a greater connection with the
enemy in iraq
someone i never even met someone who not
only tried to kill me
but did kill my friends
the enemy and i understood what life and
death
were all about and people back home
just couldn’t or wouldn’t understand
why create raw and intense connection
in that space we express humanity’s
greatest evolutionary gift
the ability to share in what another
person is feeling and that
can save lives last year i went back to
san diego to visit one of my best
friends from the military
and the trip was great but
i’ve been keeping a secret from my
friend for years
i had been too ashamed to share with him
that for years
i had been close to killing myself
i shared this with him and he didn’t shy
away he dug
in hard he organized help and rallied a
group of friends
who flew across the country to support
me
my vulnerability and our ability to
share in the pain that i was feeling
are the reasons that i’m still here
as a performance coach i work with
executives who pride themselves on their
ability to
be self-sufficient and wall themselves
off
yet every single one of them has
experienced tremendous benefits
in their health career success family
life
when they open up
by leaning into connection they achieve
the power
to overcome their greatest challenges
the next time you see someone in uniform
don’t just thank them for their service
ask them about their fears ask them what
it’s like to be deployed
over and over until their children do
not recognize them
ask them what it’s like to have every
instinct that was so right in combat
be so wrong at home
be curious and open don’t shy away
because
you don’t know what to say in your
relationships
don’t accept busy or all good when you
ask someone how they are
really dig to tap into how that person
is feeling
learn to express humanity’s greatest
evolutionary gift
with you or someone
feel the power of their emotion and feel
what it registers inside you
then expose your true self
share your hopes and fears and let them
feel the same thing
create genuine deep
intense connection and experience
the vital life that’s worth living
[Applause]
you