Breaking out of concrete six ways out of depression
[Music]
i have been a teacher
in inner city london for the last seven
years
and during that time i’ve had to learn a
few tricks to keep teenagers interested
enough
to not walk straight out of my classroom
when i say the words
shakespeare teaching macbeth
to 15 year old boys at a behavior unit
in newan is a tough gig especially when
they start to ask me questions like
yeah missport was like ladybug better
ping tingle was she piff
and i have to respond to them that sadly
no boys she probably was not a painting
which apparently means pretty and come
up with more creative ways to keep them
engaged
i found a way to do this i tell them how
long my lesson is going to last for and
what they’re going to learn and that way
if they’re really bored they can at
least calculate until how long the
endurance exercise of my lesson is over
so i’m going to do the same for this
talk i’m going to spend two minutes
telling you about a nervous breakdown
that i had
i’m going to spend about seven or eight
minutes reading you a poem about it
and then i’m going to round it off on a
more cheerful note because apparently
nobody likes to end things on a poetic
downer
who knew i’m telling you my story
because i think if you’re paying
attention the world is a terrifying
place
and so i thought maybe at least we could
be terrified together
this time last year i sat in a gp’s
waiting room
because i didn’t want to be here anymore
i walked into the doctor
and i said my depression is so bad i
can’t go on
sometimes it’s so bad i can’t even walk
to the toilet
i have to crawl and
after much deliberation and back and
forth he turned to me
and he said don’t be depressed you’ve
got such a lovely smile
have you considered playing badminton
it was at that moment i wish i wished i
went purple
that way he could see the amount of pain
that i was in i wouldn’t have to do
any of the talking any of the asking he
would see the burning and he would not
suggest
creative ways in which to make me feel
better
but on that day i didn’t change color
and i couldn’t tell him my experience of
doing so
so he sent me home with a list and it’s
a list of six things you’re supposed to
do when you’re depressed
and i’m gonna read you a little poem
about it now
but spoiler alert the list didn’t work
i’ve been working as a spoken word
artist for the last 10 years but since
before it was cool
it’s probably still not that cool now
and
i’m going to talk to you about why
people deliver their work in that really
strange
spoken word voice
it’s like they alienate people without
giving them a choice
i’m not going to wax lyrical spitting
from the origins of my umbilical about
what i think is a miracle coming from my
mouth because the real stuff that i feel
honestly it goes on down south and my
life is ordinary
and awkward and beautiful but actually
quite boring
and some nights it feels like the mouth
of hell is yawling open a night is
drawing to a close and i suppose i want
to perform tonight but for what
for what for my ego so i can say to my
nan
i performed at tedx you know and i lost
it
my grace the thing that makes me feel
good about living
and writing in the first place and i
don’t enjoy a single thing anymore
not even this so the doctor he gave me a
list it’s a list of six things you’re
supposed to do
when you’re depressed and i feel very
reassured that it must be true because i
realized he copied
and pasted it from the internet anyway
this is the list that will cure us all
here it is this is the list of six
number one accompany somebody to the
movies
a concert or a small get-together
i can’t watch a movie without feeling
like someone has turned me inside out
and distorted me like a rumor
and my heart is stapled to my skin like
a tgi friday’s bad a cheap and blazing
neon tumor
my heart is killing me i don’t need art
to make it feel please a concert you
think i have the strength to stand i am
on my knees every day i am on my knees
how can i go to parties they crush me i
can’t even find the strength to sit in
the toilet with the door
locked behind me and when people come up
to me their lips are moving but they
look like aliens to me because all i can
do is think about
how i can leave out that back door
without anybody noticing me
number two have a coffee and talk to
somebody about your
feelings thank you for suggesting that i
talked to a friend
believe it or not i’d actually thought
of it before but when you’re poorly
speaking to your friends is like
knocking on a trapdoor and finding
nobody in there anymore most of my
twenties have spent
been spent blind to the fact i am the
only person i can call mama
i’m the only person i can call home so
how can i tell you that meeting you for
coffee makes me feel manic
my synapse is cracking and snapping like
candy millions in my blood like panic
how can i tell you that seeing you of
wrong fills you with dread because it
means i have to call you back
and on my bad days i cannot handle the
pressure of that
number three read a book
i think it’s books that got me into this
trouble in the first place
reading about how maybe we’re all just
insignificant and in outer space
if you want a recipe for depression mix
in
existentialism with fiction
and then tell me you then get weighed
down in friction this is an affliction
of ideals that we are made of nothing
governed by love and lust and atoms and
stardust and everything in between yeah
i still got to learn how to pay my taxes
and keep my home well painted and clean
how can i deal with the dissonance of
earning a living and
chasing a dream i do not need another
story
i need to learn how to wash up without
my hands shaking
i need to learn the art of forgiving all
the while my bones break under my skin
with the sadness and the weight of all
the lives that i am not living
number four call or email
an old friend
they’re old friends for a reason
number five work out
i just told you that my body is on its
knees and you expect me to take it to
its physical peak
i love to swim to go to the water you
see
there’s a lifeguard there for the days
that i’m drowning and i can’t breathe
but i haven’t got the energy to pull the
lycra over my form and then go
up and down day after wretched day and
that mint blue warm because then i’ve
got to get out and dry myself and put on
my clothes and i’ve got to try not to
think
how can i do that when i told you i
don’t even know how i’m going to get to
my
next
blink number six confide in a clergy
member
therapist or teacher
i used to teach at a catholic school and
they were absolutely obsessed with
converting me
how many times can i say get your
rosaries
off my ovaries being in my body is
punishment enough but i don’t need the
threat of hell to be ashamed of what i
have become because darling i am in it
now
how can i tell you that the last time i
spoke to somebody in authority
she pinned down my arms like she was a
hurricane and i was the sea and now my
body is still covered in waves somewhere
she used her lightning hands to touch me
i do not trust a single figure in
authority that is why i became one
five therapists in a row told me that i
was too ill for them to help me
in a world where my name is beth which
only rhymes with breath and death
typically
only works in a poem with just how life
begins and just how it ends
so i take your six things on this list
and i raise you my life
i am still only here because of the way
that my girlfriend
folds me away every night like i am a
letter and she is an envelope and i have
no idea where i’m being sent
if i will get there in the end sometimes
i love her so much i
do mad things like go outside and scream
at the sky in the middle of the day and
i go 50 shades of cray
and i want to take plaster of paris mold
of her head and
make her skull out of clay so there is
never a time in this universe where i am
without the shape of her head in my hand
can’t you understand
your list makes me feel tiny your list
makes me feel like i’m just words spat
on a page and the sentence structure is
off
and i’m the wrong girl the wrong genre
the wrong paragraph
the wrong decade i don’t want to do this
anymore
i don’t want to feel tired anymore i
just want to feel okay
without feeling like my insides are
dissolving under my depressions gaze
i am not afraid of dying
i am afraid of not living
those two things are not the same
i am instead gonna leave you with six
things that did work remember back
in the beginning i promised i was gonna
round it off on a more cheerful note
one if you can afford it get a therapist
finding the right therapist should be
like
i don’t know looking for a house for the
first time not that i own one
or going on a date your stomach should
flip and she’ll get butterflies and if
you’re sat wondering
about what butterflies tummies do when
they’re excited
and do they have a human equivalent and
like me you probably also have a problem
with empathy and boundaries so you
really need to crack on looking for that
therapist
my therapist saved my life when i leave
her house i feel like i
swallowed the entire sky she teaches me
that
i cannot control the weather but i can
control my response
number two parent yourself
when that voice inside of you says you
are nothing you are nobody you are
worthless don’t argue with it
and don’t accept it as truth listen to
it work out which
part of it is you how old it is where it
comes from
and then meet it with compassion because
i am telling you now if you do not meet
that voice with kindness
it will never go and everybody is
deserving of compassion
even you even the grim reaper poor guy
has spent the last however many hundred
years in the same outfit and he’s only
rocking up to keep you company
on your journey to the afterlife i bet
nobody’s ever pleased to see him
so i made up my mind when he comes
through that door for me i’m going to
give him a cuddle
number three share your vulnerable
moments
i’m not talking about the time when
you’re walking down the street and
there’s a star
and a rainstorm and you say where did i
go wrong
because trust me we’ve all gone wrong
i’m talking about the really shameful
moments like when you’re 20 minutes deep
into crying onto the phone to a gp
receptionist
and you’ve eaten four packets of
biscuits and the crumbs are literally
exfoliating your thighs or when you’re
three hours deep into a facebook stalk
of your childhood crushes
ex-wife to check whether or not she has
better hair than you
trust me we all do these things
share them sharing is a shame
shrinker four
go for a walk outside look
i was too ill to have endorphins but it
did two things for me
the first thing it did was it gave me
vitamin d the second thing was was that
it split my day up into two parts the
time before the walk
and the time after and it meant that i
got to leave my house which sometimes
felt like a very well decorated grave
and then come home again and have that
familiar feeling of returning
and on the days where i didn’t have
enough motivation to go outside
i pretended in my head i was an alien
what would it be like to see concrete
for the first time
sky for the first time look i don’t know
i was looking for a way to be curious
that helped me to stay alive
five everybody in the pandemic says i
don’t give an f about your banana bread
i want you to know i do i give an f
you do you make the banana bread do
whatever it is that makes you happy
whether or not somebody deemed it to be
boring or basic
as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody i
don’t care go for it
be proud of who you are and if the
people around you laugh at you or do not
cheerlead you for the things
that bring you joy that says far more
about them than it does about you
and lastly when your friend calls you
with happy news you don’t say babe don’t
be too happy yeah because like someone
somewhere is definitely happier
so don’t do the same with your sadness
it is
totally possible to gaslight yourself
once i even had imposter syndrome
about having imposter syndrome
make your bed every day and shower even
if it’s like lugging your bones through
a nightmare
put that faucet on sit underneath it
imagine it’s a rainstorm
go and get yourself a bottle of fizzy
drink and imagine a
mama has given you stars
remember somewhere
a flower is actually breaking out of
concrete
you will too