Happier Endings How to Design Your Dying
as my daughter was dying
two years ago she said mom i don’t
really want to think about
what the process of actually dying is
going to be like
i’d rather imagine myself dancing on a
beach
with my late grandmas and hot men and
margaritas
we live in a culture which tends to deny
that death is a really natural part of
life
and not talking about dying doesn’t make
dying not happen
the stoics say momento mori meaning
you too will die and perhaps in some way
this can spur
us or encourage us to really live before
we die
yet we still refer to death as pushing
up daisies or
kicking the bucket we can hardly say the
word
death it’s almost like the monster in a
scary movie
we push it over into the corner it’s
lurking
but isn’t it almost scarier there i’ve
been a nurse and an end-of-life
caregiver for
22 years and dr peter saul
says that in medicine we don’t really
save lives
perhaps we can extend life sometimes for
a day
or a month or perhaps many decades but
we don’t really save lives do we
and so it was with my daughter i
received that
world-stopping phone call and she said
mom
they think i might have cancer
in just five months
one week and three days later i held her
hand as she took her last breath
tomorrow is not promised to any of us
and so i want this for you i want you to
get more of what you want as you die
and in turn to be the hero for your
family
removing the burdens of decision-making
and regrets for them
for our personal self-interest and to
plant seeds
for future generations let’s
revolutionize this conversation about
dying as a natural part of life are you
with me
it seems to me that there are three
recurring actions that some families
take
which seem to benefit both the dying and
their families
these are the legal relational
and personal parts of our lives let’s
start first with
the legal aspect of preparing for the
end of life
whatever you decide for yourself when
the time comes that you cannot make the
decisions for yourself anymore
someone will need to does your someone
know what you want
and what you don’t want my daughter had
small cell lung cancer an insidious
beast of a cancer
and really rare in a girl her age her
health became
a roller coaster of good days and not so
good days
but she took control of her living
before she couldn’t she took two
specific legal actions
first she made me her healthcare power
of attorney which means that
i was the person to make medical
decisions on her behalf
when she wouldn’t be able to do so
anymore she also filled out what’s
called a medical advanced
directive which helped define for her
the way that she wanted people to care
for her
and so she was able to tell us i really
don’t want cpr
to extend my life even if just a little
bit longer
through this pain mom and here’s the
beautiful thing about creating these two
documents
she was able to make decisions for
herself by telling us what she wanted it
was also a gift for us
you see i’ve never had to second guess
the medical decisions that i made
with her doctors and the rest of her
family that’s not to say that these
choices were easy
there were so many decisions that were
excruciatingly hard
but i don’t have the burdens of regrets
because everything that i did every
choice that i made
was in line with what she told us she
wanted and that was a gift for me
have you ever thought about what it
would be like for your family to
need to make decisions on your behalf do
they know what you want
how will you design your dying action
number two
the relational part in addition to
making your legal medical decisions
have you told the people in your life
what you really need them to know
dr ira bayak is a palliative end-of-life
care physician
he shares four phrases that can help
bring peace
at the end of life please forgive me
i forgive you thank you
and i love you is there someone in your
life that you need to share these words
with
for your sake or for theirs is there
something you need to say
to somebody in your life while you still
can during lauren’s final months we
worked hard to
nurture our relationships on saturday
morning
she would wrap her hairless head in a
silky scarf and go garage sailing with
her sister
they didn’t really need those bargain
basement deals
but they needed time together lauren
planned a trip to
california with her dad and she planned
that bucket list cruise to alaska with
her grandma
she never got to go but the time spent
dreaming and planning and being together
was really important to her
some people start a binder or a file on
their computer or make a memory box
to give to their loved ones describing
where they might find
important documents and information in
lauren’s case
we named hers her croak file
hey life can be too serious to always be
so serious
in lawrence croak file we made sure that
her husband had all the passwords and
access to their bank account and someday
when lauren’s little girl is all grown
up herself
she’ll find a really special video of
her mama
reading a story to a precious little
three-year-old cuddled in her lap
lauren told people what she needed to
say before she couldn’t
how will you design your dying
action number three the personal and
this is my
favorite once you have your legal ducks
in a row
and you’ve said the most important
things to the people in your life that
you need to say before you die
i recommend that you also consider
sharing the really personal the brazenly
bold outrageously beautiful personal
parts of your life
that might bring you comfort and joy in
the end
beyond the physical care of your body
would you like it most if your
favorite songs were playing in your
hospital room or if your friends would
gather in your living room with you
reminiscing about your
escapades together over the years would
you rather be alone in your room
reading your favorite book for the
seventh time
surprisingly to face my monster in the
room
i needed to actually accept the fact
that lauren might die
it was only then that i was able to
really
hear what she needed those seemingly
small
things that would bring her comfort
or peace and so i learned that lauren
wanted her room to smell like
cinnamon candles and she wanted the hot
pink stripe
sheets on her hospital bed that she had
had in her room as a teenager
she wanted her toenails to be painted
call girl red
these aren’t things that you’re going to
be asked in advance directives
these are things that you can share from
your heart lauren loved to travel and
she told me i’m so
mad that i won’t be able to travel the
world with you anymore mom
i want you to put me in little vials and
take me with you everywhere you go
and because i know what she wanted of me
i have been spreading her ashes around
the world
and from ireland to copenhagen
russia to the london bridge her
traveling ashes
are now in 11 countries and yes
she is on that beach in mexico with hot
men and margaritas
because lauren had the brazenly bold
self-centered beautiful
idea to tell us what it is that she
really wanted
to bring her peace and comfort and joy
she got more of what she wanted as she
lived
and i got the gift of being able to
provide those things for her
how will you design your dying what do
you want
what do you not want and who knows it
so that you can get more of what you
want as you die
and have the possibility of an even
happier ending
whenever your ending might be and
to help relieve the people who love you
of the burdens of
regrets in decision making tell me this
what legal medical plans do you need to
communicate
what relationships do you need to
strengthen
and what do you want your own brazenly
self-centered
personal last moments or days
or years to be like how will you design
your dying as a gift for yourself
and for the people who love you
you