Divorce Its Not About You
[Music]
divorce
ouch okay so it’s not the happiest topic
and
some of you honestly probably don’t
think this talk is for you but
divorce is out there and we’ve all been
affected by it in some way
and you probably can all agree that the
word divorce comes with some pretty
negative connotations maybe you have
parents that are divorced maybe you’re
divorced
maybe you know friends family co-workers
who are going through a divorce
because we’re all affected in some way
and it’s out there this talk
is for you buckle up here’s another
downer
statistics show every 13 seconds there
is one divorce in america
to put that in perspective nine divorces
happen
in the time it takes a couple to recite
their wedding vows
by the end of this talk 51 couples will
be divorced
and to top it off half of all the
children in the u.s
will witness the ending of their parents
marriage
now i know there are others out there
who have had it much worse than me
please no i do realize my situation is
nothing compared to what other people
have gone through
but today i want to shift your
perspective and leave you with some new
thoughts and new ways to tackle divorce
and possibly life itself because see
this talk isn’t just about divorce
it goes much deeper it really is about
you realizing it’s
not about you i know that may sound a
little confusing so let me explain
i am a divorcee it was one week before
my 10-year wedding anniversary
my husband and i were attending a
couple’s therapy session
about three minutes into the session my
husband told me
he didn’t want to try anymore he didn’t
want to be married to me anymore
talk about a blow and then hatred
seething hatred hurt sadness confusion
repeat repeat repeat
i never expected this to happen to me
see my parents were just about to
celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary
marriage sticking together fighting for
family that’s all i ever knew
and we we were fighters and overcomers
we could make this work because it was
just two and a half years prior that our
house burned down
now praise god everyone made it out
safely the house was a complete loss but
what was most important
our family was safe we spent the next
year and a half
rebuilding our dream home it was so fun
and exciting we were so strong
and close and focused on family and
rebuilding together
but somewhere among the four to five
days a week my husband was traveling and
me becoming a full-time stay-at-home mom
our marriage began to struggle
and that’s when we were about to
celebrate our anniversary
instead i got hit with that horrific
word
divorce it
hurt i was broken devastated
defeated i felt like a failure my
marriage
is ending but wait i have two boys
what about the kids they’re three and
five
all i’d known was a family that stayed
together what’s it going to look like to
have to split time with my kids
miss part of their lives because it’s
not my weekend to be with them
this rocked me to my core i didn’t want
this
i didn’t ask for this me me me
and as much as it deeply affected me i
had to look at the bigger picture
this is happening and i had to make a
decision
to put my kids needs above my own just
as i did when i was married
it should be no different when you’re
divorced except it is
because now there’s hurt wedged in and
it’s extremely challenging to make
decisions and work together
and act not based on how you feel rather
on how you may
make your children feel and this is why
among the division of assets and setting
up our child visit schedule and
who pays what we took time to talk
and made a decision that no matter what
the kids come
first period that regardless of how we
felt about each other
this isn’t about us it’s not about the
hurt we had or the miscommunication
throughout our marriage
it’s not about the anger or the pain or
frustration we had with each other
this is about making the best out of a
tough decision and situation
to put the boys as the priority because
they’re what’s most important
not us they didn’t ask for this they
didn’t choose to have a mom who lives in
one house and a dad who lives in another
i didn’t choose it either but i did
choose to show them that regardless of
where they slept at night or whose
weekend it was
they were part of a family every day
a family where the mom and dad make
every decision based on their best
interest
not his not mine was it hard
yes it still is all the time
but when i put my feelings aside and
make theirs the priority
i feel so much better because i know
it’s what’s best for them
as a parent you want nothing but the
best for your children you’ll do
absolutely anything you can to protect
them
if there was a grenade you would be the
first to jump on it to save your child’s
life
it truly is a love like no other but
when divorce enters in
it seems the hatred and hurt and
devastation that surrounds it
overtakes that love and instead of
protecting our children
they often become collateral damage and
this is where we need to stop
being selfish and start a conversation
open the doors of communication so you
can effectively co-parent with your ex
now co-parenting isn’t easy it’s hard
parenting when you’re married so
trying to do it with your ex isn’t
exactly ideal i get it
remember there’s a reason why you got
divorced in the first place
so you can’t just expect all the issues
you had when you were married to just
go away you can however acknowledge that
you two are in this thing together
and are going to be for a long time so
you might as well take the high road
and figure out a way to develop a
relationship now
maybe that’s a friendship maybe it’s not
but it has to be
some type of relationship where respect
support
understanding and communication are
present
for me at the time of my separation and
divorce i was working for my husband’s
company
i stayed on because i loved what i did
and supported what the company did
so now i’m separated co-parenting and
working alongside my ex-husband
wow that’s nearly unheard of oh yeah and
maintaining a civil friendship because
it’s important
so we can do what’s best for our kids i
say this to emphasize that divorce
isn’t easy i know you have to
choose to not be mad not be angry
not hold a grudge not to want to throw
things all the while you’re fighting
back tears and
feeling like you’re dying inside having
to be in the same room with that person
celebrating holidays and birthdays
because it’s important
for your kids to have both parents there
together to celebrate
big life events and i say it because
it can happen and it does work
but you have to put yourself and your
pride aside
and you have to be persistent you have
to constantly make an
effort to make this happen do you always
want to
no but you do want what’s best for your
kids
so how does it work you have to choose
to want to make it work
you have to make that conscious choice
to work together
and if your ex isn’t willing to do it
you do it you make that decision for you
and your children
chances are your ex will eventually come
around
be a team you both want what’s best for
your kids so work together
communicate but when you do keep it to
the kids needs
don’t get off track on the differences
you two have together
respect each other and the relationships
your children have with your ex
they are a product of both of you teach
them how to respect others
by showing each other respect include
your kids in the conversations
but keep it to their maturity level it
is much harder to pit one parent against
another
when they know that you are
communicating and are on the same page
i mean after all they are still kids but
it
is hard i know and i know some of you
may be thinking well
you didn’t have any major issues like
abuse addiction or abandonment
because i know marriages can end in
terrible circumstances
but we also probably know a situation
where a mom and dad can’t even be in the
same room together
which makes marriages and holidays even
exchanging the kids an
absolute nightmare but we also know the
only thing we can control
is our attitude and the decisions and
choices that we make
now my marriage may or may not have had
those extremes
i had to make that decision to put my
kids best interest ahead of my own
when people hurt they make decisions
that hurt others back
that’s normal but that’s where you need
to dig deep and remind yourself
what really is most important and this
can be applied to divorce
conflicts at work family feuds broken
relationships
life is so short
i am just now a little over three years
into my divorce
but i know and have met other couples
who have been divorced eight nine
ten plus years who are just now getting
to a point
where they have a good relationship and
good parenting relationship
they have said to me i wish we would
have done this sooner
we missed out on so much we could have
been doing together
so much can be lost don’t wait until the
kids are grown to be civil
there is hope now and i am living proof
that with work
it can happen it does work and you can
do it too
now our boys know they are loved they
know that mommy and daddy respect each
other
help each other and make every decision
based on their best interests
not ours we wanted to minimize the
negative effect divorce could have on
our kids as best we could
that was the decision we made at the
very beginning and we’ve stuck to it
i am happy to report i have met an
incredible man
who shares in our philosophy of kids
first we are now
engaged and we all get along this is
actually a picture of us
together on halloween passing out candy
trick-or-treating
why because seeing those smiling faces
making those special memories together
makes me the happiest mom
ever so i ask you
if you find yourself in this situation
or if you know of someone else going
through the situation
what do you do what advice do you give
is it to put the kids first or is it to
bash the x and feed into the negativity
that so commonly surrounds divorce
because
i get it that’s natural but divorce
isn’t and shouldn’t be natural so i’m
asking you to be
unnatural shift your mindset
choose to put the kids first because no
child
ever asked to be stuck in the middle of
a divorce
[Applause]
[Music]
you