An Eating Disorder isnt Just a Girl Thinking She Looks Fat
[Music]
[Applause]
24 hours ago
i got off a plane from arizona no i
wasn’t exploring the grand canyon
nor was i visiting colleges i was an
inpatient treatment for anorexia nervosa
a disease i never thought i would have
when i was younger and i heard the words
anorexia nervosa my mind immediately
flashed to an emaciated young woman
who simply couldn’t eat how
could an individual deliberately starve
themselves
as they watch their body slowly shut
down it seems
so illogical but in the temperament of
someone with an eating disorder
they are anything but illogical
when i was around 10 years old my mom
bought me an american girl dog book
about puberty
to this day i have no recollection of
anything in the book
let alone my thoughts with the exception
of two pages
these two pages discuss eating disorders
specifically anorexia nervosa
and describe the simple the surface
level symptoms of the disease
young girls look in the mirror believe
that they look fat
and deliberately starve themselves which
can accumulate in death
terrified by the prospect of death i
made myself a promise
at 10 years old i told myself peyton
you will never have an eating disorder
even if you think you look fat you will
always be skinny
fast forward a couple years later when i
was a gymnast practicing around 10 hours
a week
i loved food and had no care in the
world about what i was eating
again when i heard the word anorexia i
would always question
how could someone starve themselves i
love food way
too much after performing gymnastics for
12 years which was my passion
it all came to an abrupt halt one day at
practice the weekend before my first
meet of the year
i fell off the uneven bars my bone had
popped out of its socket and i was
rushed to the hospital to get a ct scan
the ct scan showed that not only had i
dislocated my elbow
but i had broken it in three pieces and
i had to have surgery
after the surgery in which i had eight
screws in a plate put in
my life seemed to return back to normal
i went back to gymnastics
limited in what i could do and i felt as
if life was once again in my control
after a few months however my bone
wasn’t healing properly
and i had to have another ct scan which
once again showed that i had to have
another surgery
in the middle of my surgery it turned
out that my bone had completely died
and it had to be removed as a result
i could no longer do gymnastics
the physical pain i felt was
incomparable
to my emotional pain the one aspect of
my life where i validated myself
vanished in a moment’s time
i was devastated i felt out of control
i felt as if it were my fault and when i
felt as if i was drowning and couldn’t
grab onto anything
i grabbed onto the one thing i could
control food
i spent hours thinking about food i
totaled up calories in my mind hour
after hour and
day after day and i took pride in the
numbers i saw dropping on the scale
even if my life was out of control well
at least i could control what was in
front of me three times a day
i thought that restricting my food
intake after losing my passion
would give me control and give me my
life back
but it really ended up just taking both
away
it was during this time period that
countless friends family members and
teachers reached out to me
telling me that i looked sick or very
skinny
but rather than in stealing fear within
me
it made me feel accomplished i was doing
something right others asked me if i
needed help because they were really
concerned
i didn’t need help i was in complete
denial
after all i was the healthiest i ever
had been
i was eating clean foods i was
exercising
i had a low heart rate i had just lost
muscle from gymnastics but little did i
know that i was the sickest
i ever was not just physically
but also mentally after countless family
members reached out to my parents they
knew there was a problem
but they couldn’t exactly pinpoint it
for months they sat with me in the
office asking if everything was okay
of course once again i was doing great
i was always studying so i could have
near perfect grades in every single one
of my classes
i was always productive and i was really
really happy with my body
eventually however my parents decided
that i’d do an initial assessment with
melrose center
an eating disorder facility nearby the
appointment was made on a whim
and no one expected much of it myself
included
after all i wasn’t anorexic when i
looked in the mirror i didn’t look
emaciated and i loved
food how could an anorexic love food
i spent hours watching cooking shows
during my free time
i made food for my siblings and myself
only just to throw it away
later on i would find out that both of
these are in fact symptoms of starvation
and i was very very sick after one
initial assessment
i had to grasp the fact that i was
diagnosed with anorexia nervosa
and i was immediately sent to inpatient
treatment
leading into inpatient treatment i was
terrified
i was expecting to meet individuals
whose lives solely revolved around their
eating disorders
but i couldn’t have been farther off
from the truth these individuals that i
met were some of the most intelligent
caring
and courageous people whom i have ever
encountered
but they like myself happen to have
struggles with food
but our struggles with food never made
us any more or any less human they just
give us
racing thoughts of lack of self-worth
that no human being should have to feel
i was in inpatient treatment for 37 days
and it was one of the more difficult
times in my life
i was ashamed and i was scared
i felt as if i didn’t belong and i felt
as if i wasn’t
sick enough eating disorders are
competitive
they love being the best at everything
even if it means being the sickest
they also love numbers who ate the least
who can exercise the most who have the
lowest heart rate
and who lost the most with an eating
disorder it is never
enough and there is no such thing as
rock bottom
during those 37 days i stared down at my
food with anger
i was so angry that it had brought me to
this point in my life
i was angry that it had to be so
difficult for me
why wasn’t i normal why couldn’t i
simply pick up a piece of food and put
it in my mouth while everyone else
around me could do it
so effortlessly
i was ashamed after having to say i was
anorexic
i didn’t want it to become my identity
and i didn’t want it to make others
think of me differently
and to this day i do still have the same
concerns
eventually i left inpatient treatment
but i later found myself back at the
same building in the beginning of summer
i was readmitted to inpatient treatment
for another 14 days because even though
i was physically stable
i was far from mentally stable
my eating disorder thoughts were raging
they told me that i looked
fat they told me that i looked i was
happier when i was skinnier
and they told me that i would never be
successful
i was exhausted from not feeling as if i
was enough
i wanted to give up i often told myself
that it would be so much easier to just
live
with an eating disorder after a few
months my parents decided to cut ties
with melrose center
and i was later sent to an inpatient
treatment facility down in arizona
where i was for another 50 days
after going through impatient treatment
twice i felt like a failure
i felt as if my friends and family
members would find me weak and think
that i could never recover
from this disease and in the midst of my
eating disorder i had broken a promise i
made at
10 years old a promise i made about a
disease i knew nothing
about a disease that i thought was in
vain
a disease that i didn’t think was a
mental illness
a disease that i thought had everything
to do with food
all of my assumptions were so wrong
eating disorders are not in vain they do
not discriminate they could care less
about your age
gender or ethnicity they just want
control
they have everything to do with food yet
simultaneously nothing
to do with food they are the deadliest
mental illness ever
in the world and those aren’t statistics
to be messed around with
and my relationship with food was solely
an external reflection of the chaos
inside my mind my eating disorder was a
form of validation i could not find
anywhere else
it told me i was strong when i felt weak
it told me i was enough when i felt far
from enough
it told me i was in control when i felt
lost
and it gave me something to hold on to
when i felt as if i were drowning
my eating disorder was not a choice nor
were the countless thoughts i told
myself every single morning i woke up
and looked in the mirror
i didn’t destroy countless relationships
have every day feel monotonous lose my
passions and isolate myself because i’m
vain
i did it because i was hurting again
i didn’t spend those 101 days in
inpatient treatment because i’m vain
i spent those 101 days trying
to heal the perfect storm that caused my
eating disorder
i spent those 101 days trying to get
back the hundreds
of days my eating disorder had taken
away from me
to this day i often think about my life
if i had never fallen
i often question if i had performed just
one move differently
would i have had an eating disorder i do
not know
and that is okay to be candid i’m not
recovered
i am a work in progress and that is also
okay
in the midst of such questioning and i
ask myself what if i hadn’t fallen
i remind myself that if i had never
fallen
i would have never known what it’s like
to get back up
and i’m getting back up now which is
more than i ever thought
i would have done and i’ve reached
milestones that i never thought i would
have reached months earlier
recovering from an eating disorder is
not easy it is one of the hardest things
i’ve done
it is messy it is full of tears
and it is exhausting
but recovering from an eating disorder
gave me my life back
something my eating disorder could never
give me
and to anyone that is struggling it is
okay to not be okay
you did not choose this disease nor are
you weak
success is not defined by not reaching
out because you think you can handle it
and you’re strong enough and you’re
afraid
success is defined by reaching out when
you know you’re
you need help and it is the most
terrifying thing to be vulnerable
you are worth more than the calories you
eat in a day
the body you see in the mirror and the
negative thoughts that race through your
head
these are all facts that i’m still
struggling to believe at times
you are not your eating disorder
and your eating disorder is not you
you are enough even if you think
otherwise your life is waiting for you
and it wants you to come back
although i’m far from a covered i know
that being cured is not the sole
definition of success
success for me is eating another meal
when my eating disorder thoughts are
racing through my mind
asking me did you see yourself in the
morning in the mirror this morning
are you really sure you want to eat that
is that gonna make you successful
success for me is looking away from the
mirror when i begin to fixate on my
flaws
success is being open and honest with
the ones i love
success is supporting others along the
way as we go through the same struggles
that seem to tear us apart success
is being vulnerable when it is the most
scary thing
to do success is not one final action
it is the accumulation of our actions
big and small
every single day
my eating disorder wasn’t a choice and
it never will be
i did not change i did not struggle
every single day
to get better my eating disorder was
never
and will never be a girl standing in the
mirror thinking she looked fat
my eating disorder was never and will
never be a girl
focusing on every single number
my eating disorder was never and will
never be a girl restricting her food
intake
my eating disorder was never and will
never be my identity
and my identity was never and will never
be my eating disorder
my identity is found in my relationships
which i continue to rebuild
my passions which i continue to pursue
and my morals i hold close my story is
not something for me to be ashamed of
it is something for me to embrace
i