Beyond the Eating Disorder
i was throwing up
blood at the time it seemed
easy and efficient
but it was then that i realized i had a
real
problem i turned to look at myself in
the mirror
my lips were cracked my throat
was burning and my teeth
were starting to decay
i had never felt so disgusted
and uneasy by my own presence
and i wanted to change i really did
but i didn’t know how
yet i felt this this spark of motivation
today is the last day you do this
i said to myself
but things took a different turn
before i knew it i was weighing out and
tracking
single thing that i ate refusing to eat
what couldn’t be tracked on my fitness
pal
motivation became obsession
1200 calories a day dropped to 500 until
i was eating nothing but an apple a day
some days i ate nothing at all and i was
proud of this
of the fact that i could go five days
with no food
within two months i had lost 30 percent
of my body weight but i saw no
difference when looking at myself in the
mirror
i was just as disgusted
as before
and my body began to fight back i
started binging on
anything and everything i could find in
the house
i’d wake up with wrappers surrounding me
and food
spilt all over my bed with zero
recollection of the night before
and to compensate i had these terrible
habits
i would chew my food and spit it out or
i’d pour soap on it
so that i wouldn’t be able to eat it i
was driving myself
completely insane
this was an endless cycle that i was
convinced
would continue for the rest of my life
but now i’d like to draw your attention
to the screen behind me
so a show of hands who can confidently
say
that this is blue
okay well maybe
i disagree maybe
i think it’s green
okay well you may not think i’ve
completely lost the plot but i can
assure you
online schooling has not driven me
completely insane yet
but what does any of this have to do
with eating disorders
well it’s all about
perception we are well aware of what we
are putting ourselves through and we
know it won’t lead
to our long-term happiness but what you
may see is blue
we may see as green the same way that
what you may see as food
we may see as lack of control calories
judgment and the list goes on
i developed an eating disorder when i
was 12. and for the last
five years i have searched deep within
me
to find well the strength and the energy
to try and recover
it wasn’t until roughly may of last year
that i began to do so
why because i was terrified
because i felt alone and misunderstood
and
i had this intense fear
of being judged by others
you see i had somewhat of a reputation
for being really healthy
and into fitness and maintaining an
athletic body
but the pressure that comes with such a
label
really ships away its worth
okay okay anna
do you really want to wake up in 10
years time
with the same fear of food
no no of course i don’t
and it’s my responsibility to take that
first step
forward it is up to me to change
the green into blue
one day i was out for a lockdown walk
with my closest friend and she began to
open up to me
about her disordered thoughts and habits
at first she spoke about it so calmly
and with such ease
made me feel slightly uncomfortable and
i didn’t really understand why
for some reason there’s a stigma around
the topic
but i was hit with this brick of reality
the more i listened the less alone i
felt and all i wanted to do
was comfort her tell her it was gonna be
okay and that i knew
exactly what she was feeling
i can confidently say that she is the
main reason i wanted to recover in the
first place
and i cannot thank her enough
hearing someone i love so dearly talk
about their experience
truly helped me start to heal from mine
i mean logically if i wouldn’t want her
to suffer how could i possibly excuse
the fact
that i was letting myself suffer for so
many years
almost immediately after that day the
stigma i felt around recovery
completely disappeared my instagram
was flooded with motivational posts and
encouraging words
to keep me going and i even started
watching youtube videos from people
sharing their own experiences
i really understood now that millions of
people were going through the exact
same thing
i found a great deal of strength in that
but of course i don’t want to glamorize
anything
recovery is one of the hardest things
you can put yourself through mentally
and physically
personally i don’t believe anyone has
ever done recovering because it simply
isn’t a linear process it’s not
something you can meticulously track and
plan out you know you have to have those
slip ups you have to have those relapses
and moments
where you break down because you’ve
given it everything
and yet nothing is working
honestly i’ve lost track of the amount
of times that i have
binged again or exercised excessively or
had obsessive thoughts
but it’s gotten me so far to the point
where i can order food
without feeling guilty or go out to
dinner with my friends without having to
say oh
sorry actually i’m not hungry
i have gained a new sense of freedom
honestly i find this topic very
difficult to discuss
i felt very awkward and detached when i
was writing this
which i found very strange considering
how personal it is
i understand that many of you may feel a
sense of detachment from your own
stories
whether that’s because of the stigma
around them or the anxiety that comes
with recalling
such terrifying moments of your life
is not what actually matters
what really matters is not allowing this
detachment from reality
block your view of how serious an eating
disorder is
and allow it to stop you from bettering
yourself
i found this quote the other day that
really resonated with me
and i would like to share it
much like other addictions eating
disorders
freeze emotions and can become a detour
from real hurt and pain
i now see that one reason it took me so
long
to notice the urgency of my own
situation
was the fact that i refused to accept
that i needed help
i distracted myself from thinking of it
as an issue
i numbed myself into believing
it was normal
at some point you reach a pinnacle where
you can no longer tell
what’s real from what isn’t and what is
triggering you
to do this
but i want to clarify that i am not
trying to victimize myself
or any other individuals going through
this nor am i trying to place myself
on a pedestal all that i want to do here
is normalize speaking out and opening up
to each other
to be honest it took me a lot of courage
and contemplation
to decide how much of my story i wanted
to share here with you today
but would you look at me differently now
than from the moment that i walked
onto this stage
would you talk to me differently treat
me differently
would you pity me now
if so then why why
do we choose to label people based on
their struggles
do not look at me and label me as the
girl who once had an eating disorder
instead be aware of the commonality of
it
see it acknowledge it and let it
ground you because this fear of being
labeled
is what’s keeping so many people from
reaching out
and it’s why eating disorders have one
of the highest mortality rates
of any other mental disorder
at first i wasn’t going to share any of
my story with you here today
i had trouble translating my emotions
into words in a way that i thought would
do justice to this topic
listen i used to study literature and
i am very good at describing other
people’s emotions
when it comes to myself
not so much
but this is me being as
raw as i possibly can be
telling you to embrace your
vulnerability because it does not make
you a weak person
anyone can stay back and not speak up
but not everyone is brave enough to
admit that they need help
everyone in this room has either dealt
with their own eating disorder or knows
someone who has
please know that no matter what stage of
the disorder you’re in
you deserve to recover you deserve to
feel free
and you deserve to love yourself
regardless of your own
or other people’s expectations
there is an amazing life
beyond the eating disorder
i promise you you will not regret it
and perhaps this
will no longer be so green
thank you
you