Deconstructing Empathy
over the past
over the past many years i’ve been
trying to make sense of this world a
little bit the real
the physical the metaphysical and all
the other realms of it right
and and i do this by asking questions
and and by running experiments and and
by building and by writing books
something that i have been extremely
curious about more recently is
the word empathy um and how the true
embodiment of it could actually look
like
uh the first time i came across the word
empathy was many years ago when i was a
part of a workshop and
you know we were using empathy as a
concept as a tool to understand the
users we were trying to build for
and as it happens i thought you know
when you come across a new word in the
dictionary it starts showing up
everywhere
and that’s what was happening with
empathy that it was in fact showing up
everywhere
but when i looked at it objectively i
realized that empathy has in fact become
a buzz word
now dash you as a coach work with
individuals and you
observe society why do you think empathy
is such a buzz word today
um yeah i have uh thanks which you have
myself been intrigued by that word
for a while now and i started studying
it with a lot of
sort of focused intent and i discovered
something
really interesting is the word is a kind
of a very new word in the
scheme of things it not so
coincidentally was born
around the time mass production and
industrialization was born
the word came into being in 1910
1999 1910 and and it’s sort of grown in
importance
as the industrial era has grown so it
sort of mimics the
what i would call sort of a
dehumanization of society
with the industrialization of us as
we’ve industrialized ourselves
in some ways we’ve been sort of
searching for our own
uh abstract uh answers to
you know purpose meaning empathy these
words have shown up and there’s been a
drumbeat lately around these words and
empathy seems to be part of that
journey that humanity has taken to sort
of find
the human self in this largely
dehumanized world
in some ways if you look at schools
workplaces if you look at
you know society at large countries
measured only by gdp
we have really seen sort of a
machinification of us
and in contrast to that then we start
searching for us
in in this in this what is human if you
know in in the contrast machine
design and innovation on the other hand
you use the word workshop is also sort
of
latched on to that saying how do i now
find deeper aspects to differentiate
with so it was great to differentiate
with form and function but now i have to
understand emotions of people so in some
ways
uh people a lot of people have come
towards this world from different angles
but the essential
idea i feel is victory this idea of
while there’s outer order there seems to
be an inner disorder
as the outer gets more ordered the inner
gets more disordered
and in that we try and sort of search
for this who am i
and you know in that sense the ship of
theseus paradox rishi
where we say you know if all the parts
of the ship are replaced is it the same
shape or it’s a different ship and
in some ways empathy is that so who are
you
and who am i as humans i think that’s
what they were trying to
ask in its work
you know i it’s interesting you use the
word dehumanization
and and the way it shows up in in our
society because
i always thought that dehumanization in
our lives would show up only at the
extreme
uh closures uh you know loss of a loved
one
a breakup loss of a job but it seems
that it is more evident than it has ever
been before the way it shows up in our
lives now before we speak about
humanization
and what it means to be human i would
love to understand
going back to the word empathy what does
it truly mean
because it is used interchangeably with
with compassion
it is used interchangeably changeably
with sympathy sometimes even kindness
so what does it mean what does empathy
truly mean and how is it different from
the rest of the words we use
to describe it
and that’s that’s a great point to bring
up saying you know because we
interchangeably use these words empathy
sympathy compassion kindness and i
thought there is no great uh objective
answer to this
i have i have thought about it a bit and
i realized this is sort of a spectrum
that i will try and table here this is
my own definition not
uh anybody else’s so empathy kind of
latches itself to this idea of
participation i want to be in your shoes
i want to be in your life it is the idea
of immersing yourself in the world
now that’s about being and i have an
issue with it i’ll talk about later but
about
about moving into someone’s world and
looking at the world through that
that’s empathy in participation sympathy
on the other hand
has a bit of distance which is saying i
observe you
and i sympathize with where you are uh
i sympathize with what’s happening to
you i sympathize with where you are in
this journey so
that’s sympathy and i observe and i
acknowledge
compassion on the other hand
actually says i don’t know who you are i
don’t
really know who you are because i don’t
have the capacity to know you
but i still care unconditionally for you
not knowing you i would still care and
it doesn’t matter who you are so
empathy by the way the underlying code
as you would observe is suffering
for all of these that they all
acknowledge that that the human
condition is that of suffering which is
what
the buddhists talk about and in that
this empathy says i want to be you and
you know understand and understand life
simply because i want to observe you
and acknowledge compassion says i don’t
know who you are and i yet want to
be there for you and care for you but my
problem with this word empathy is that
can you ever be in someone’s shoes
that’s the question i ask myself when i
ask others
can we ever be in in anybody else’s
shoes and be true to that purpose
i mean that’s a thought no absolutely
and and just to build on that thought
right
um through
some work on self and through a lot of
reading through a lot of experimentation
what has become clear to me is that most
of what i look at the world
is a projection of where i am and where
i come from and how i’m feeling at this
moment
so then how do you how do you sort of
take a step back from it and learn how
to
walk in someone’s shoes like is that
even possible
is it even possible to truly empathize
them
and that is the paradoxical center point
of empathy
that is a paradoxical exam sort of thing
for you to emphasize you have to be in
some issues now my question is
and before we try and address that rishi
so to understand
certain words we have to understand what
is the opposite of that word so if i ask
you this question what is the
opposite of empathy can you answer that
question
that’s right so if most people frame it
as that
now that’s not a wrong answer but i feel
a better answer
in my opinion is the opposite of empathy
is judgment
now think about it for a minute think
about it for a minute
what what i bring to the table is the
moment i see something any object
any idea my instinctive response is out
of judgment
and where does judgment come from it
comes from my conditioning
now for me to truly empathize it you
have to relinquish
judgment and so because judgment and
empathy almost come from the same space
say two sides of the same coin as pain
and pleasure so to be able to absolutely
empathize i have to be
absolutely free of judgment and is it
truly possible
for any human being to observe a
phenomena or an individual or an idea
without any any judgment which means
almost being thoughtless
in that sense now i wonder if it’s one
of the superpower but i wonder can we
ever relinquish judgment
and hence truly be empathetic
hmm that brings me to my next question
dash
now as a coach you have to create a
space safe space
with the people that you work with and
you must really get to know them
to work with them to to empower them to
enable them to support them
empathy seems difficult it really seems
difficult to practice and to
and to embody so far but as a coach you
do that day in and day out
what are some of the methods and
frameworks that you use
to to really get to know someone
yeah i i spent my entire time observing
human behavior
at scale and the depth i mean that’s
what i do for a living as a coach and as
a
pattern mapper and i’ve always i
wouldn’t say that i have mastered it but
i’ve worked on it consciously
being consciously working on it allows
you to sort of uh
sort of improve upon this practice of
empathy and
the first principle of that is to not
form a judgment and hence to
not have any opinion walking into any
situation
and so there are three directions that
i’d look for when i try to unlock the
story of a human or a story of society
i try and look for where does
uh the human story appear actually it’s
a product of three forces
and each is a very powerful force in
itself so let me try and explain at the
center point
is knowing the story of someone which is
an act of empathy the first force is
that of biology
now we are all bodies of biochemistry
playing out so if you are a teenager
if your you know your hormones will tell
you uh will behave that’s not your
personality that’s your
hormones shaping your personality at
that point same with menopause same with
other life stages so that’s chem
biochemistry and then there is
evolutionary biology in the face of
danger
human response is a particular kind uh
in the face
you know care love safety evolutionary
biology plays a very strong
role in how we shape our thinking and
behavior
and so because we are still 98.7 percent
chimps in our gene code
so we can’t relinquish the fact that
nature it’s the nature of
nature that is playing through us and
there is so little free will that we
have
so to understand someone we have to
understand which of this is coming from
biology
that’s force one force two is psychology
a lot of
our who we are as a personality get
shaped in our childhood between the age
of zero to seven and then
bit between uh in other teenage years
and so to really understand someone you
have to understand psychologically
what they bring to the table the same
you know trigger could
you know derive different responses to
different individuals because of the
psychological framework that they carry
which also forms a judgment psychology i
mean if you have grown up
uh with a story of abandonment then you
will respond to
situations differently you have grown up
with extreme indulgence
you will respond to same situation
differently so you see
your your stories as a child actually
impact how you see the world and hence
how you judge the world so that second
theme
is that of uh psychology which is a very
very powerful force the first one is the
deepest which is biology psychology and
the last is a
mediating force called culture now
that’s sort of
uh kind of trying to balance you with
society now you know
we call ourselves you know christians
hindus buddhists
americans vegans these are words these
are social constructs these are cultural
culture codes that we embody trying to
invite so if you’re living in singapore
you will behave in a particular way
you’ll try and behave particularly to
adhere to norms if you’re working in
microsoft
versus if you’re working in google
you’re wrapped in a culture code now
that changes
behaviors and hence personality so we
now look at this
your stories are the center of it and
these three forces are
always playing out so you are kind of at
the intersection of these three forces
the resultant of that
is the story of us so my job
is to sort of uh is as an analyst start
looking at
where does it come from and for that you
have to create a bit of distance and to
sort of step back a bit and
observe what’s happening here
look at data look at the why behind the
data
look at the ask yourself why behind the
where does it come from
and not form a judgment and to that
extent it’s sort of strange that one has
to be away
from an individual to be truly
empathetic in some ways to be able to
observe
without um you know any hypothesis
at a time when there is so much distance
between
our self the true self the idea of self
which is being then
moved around with with all of these
forces around
uh i wonder how does one know themselves
first
because how do i empathize and how do i
practice empathy with others
if i’m unable to practice empathy itself
so dash
if i were to ask you this difficult
question how do i empathize with self
where do i start
that’s such a great question rishi so
you know in the airplane they say in the
when the master falls
they put your mask first before you try
and help the others and that applies to
empathy as well
i think first self empathize before you
empathize with the other
and i think self-empathy we are in an
era where you know we have become
uh statistically our biggest enemy if
you look at mental health as an idea if
you look at the number of people killing
themselves
and depression is this is the single
biggest disability is the number one
disability today
all this comes from this crisis of
self-empathy that
you know i am battling my own self and i
think it’s very important that we bring
this
subject to table saying how do i
empathize with myself care for myself
first
and uh and for that you have to you have
to step away from your own thoughts you
have to tell yourself that i’m a product
of my conditioning
and conditioning is what i inherited and
so you have to
separate your own consciousness from
your thought and to be able to observe
your conditioning
and to be able to analyze it without
forming a judgment that i’m
i’m i’m a sinner or i’m a saint or i’m a
you know good or a bad guy
i’m you know all of that in fact
morality comes in the way of empathy
because we form very strong judgments
about morality and
and some of these concept religious
concepts force us to
develop morality and i actually
sometimes push back against that so you
know
let the person be true to themselves
observe themselves you observe yourself
gather data and then understand who am i
minus my conditioning i mean if i were
to and and who am i as a product of my
conditioning then you’re able to see
yourself
as this person outside of you to be able
to observe yourself
from a distance is i think
the highest power that an individual
could carry that’s probably called
meditation
that is what probably is called to be
able to observe your thought
you start with your breath and they say
please observe your thought and then i
would say please observe yourself
in the silence of who you are and
probably you’ll be able to see the
patterns and within that
find your story and that’s probably the
act of self empathy
thank you for sharing that dash i think
the time is limited always unfortunately
but these are the things that i’m taking
away
one empathy is much deeper than
the words can define right now and
unfortunately it seems that our
frameworks
limit us from going to the depths of it
truly
um second the opposite of empathy is
judgment
and empathy demands us to relinquish
judgment
third that to truly know someone we must
first know ourselves
and for that we must observe
and we must empathize with our own
selves first
that’s what i’m taking away thank you so
much for your time today dash
uh this has been eye opening
if i were to ask you one last question
what is your hope for the world
uh with empathy today
um you know there was a word called love
which was beautiful and now it’s just
the email sign off
uh love dash love this love that we have
we have actually sort of murdered a
beautiful beautiful world which was born
i mean
do you know what love means it’s a
powerful word and yet today we
sort of use it without being conscious
of what it is and we don’t even practice
love i mean we use it
to see the difference between
understanding the word in practice so i
hope my hope for empathy is that we do
not make it another word like love
and once we truly truly understand it
and and and and the
highest wishes that we practice empathy
in every action
it’s like you know that’s my wish is
that i wish we practice
empathy and honor it it’s a beautiful
world
all right thank you so much for your
time today dash