How to Get Along with Anyone with True Empathy
Transcriber: Rachel Zhang
Reviewer: David DeRuwe
Why is it that some people are successful
at igniting connection any time anywhere:
in a job interview, at a party,
in an email and a text message?
It seems that some people really
understand how to put someone at ease
and make a real connection.
Here’s a story -
do you know what a gap year is?
It’s that time that some students
take off between high school and college.
I had three gap decades.
So there I was, 50 years old,
back in college years later,
and I really didn’t know
what to expect with the students.
Actually what I did expect was they
would think I’m the old weird guy,
but what actually occurred
was that they were curious about me,
open about themselves,
and even that first day
was a real nice community feeling.
It was awesome.
They understood something naturally
that had taken me years to figure out -
that in order to spark a true connection,
it’s really only three simple steps:
“You, me, we.”
Put those steps in the right
order, and you can’t go wrong;
put those steps in the wrong order,
and a true connection won’t be made.
You won’t make as good
of a first impression.
Know what they say about first
impressions: they’re everything.
That’s all very scientific.
There’s something about two areas
of the brain and blah, blah, blah,
but the easy, authentic way
begins with empathy.
Acknowledge them first to build trust,
then relate to draw them in,
and then people will want to collaborate.
That little three-step bridge
works for everything.
It’s more genuine.
It’s also more genuine
in all areas of our life:
business, relationships,
and even parenting.
Here’s how it works with parenting.
My wife and I are parents
of two adult children,
and we spent the countless hours,
weeks, months, the years getting
to know their hearts, minds and souls.
Day in and day out.
Then our oldest, my daughter says to me,
“You don’t even know me, Dad.”
Excuse me, I didn’t want to get defensive.
I wanted to do the “You, Me, We.”
I acknowledged her,
and then related to her journey
and then how we’re actually
all on the same side.
I shared with her
that when we brought her home,
we had to learn
how to be parents of a baby.
Then we had to learn
how to be parents of a toddler.
Then we had to learn
how to be parents of a kid.
And then we had to learn
how to be parents of a teenager.
It was different every time!
She had to grow and evolve;
we had to grow and evolve.
She felt acknowledged;
we felt acknowledged.
It was great. No arguments.
There’s another type of relationship
across that bridge of empathy:
adult relationships.
I know you know this.
I heard this years ago.
“Happy wife, happy life.”
I had never heard that before,
a complete acknowledgement
of someone else first,
and if that first step happens,
then everything else
falls into place like magic.
Went to a party,
my three friends were there.
I said, “Fellas, here’s the phrase
that pays: ‘Happy wife, happy life.’”
They’re all nodding their head
in agreement, “Yeah.”
Except for one.
He was giving that 1000-mile stare,
and he said, “Why do I have to choose?”
I said, “It’s not a choice.
You’re not choosing whether
it’s happy wife or a happy life.
It goes together; it’s the same thing.
She’s happy. You’re happy.
We’re all happy.”
Needless to say,
fast forward years later -
we’re all still married,
except for Mr. “Why do I have to choose?”
There’s another relationship
that also falls apart or can’t even begin.
Business relationships, networking -
literally making a career
out of making friends with strangers.
You’ve got to put the empathy step first.
You’ve got to do the “You, Me, We.”
Tell me if this sounds familiar:
“Hi. Nice to meet me.
Let me tell you all about me.
Let me tell you about my company.
Let me tell you
about my mission statement.
Have you seen my link? Seen my bio?
I’d love you to work with me.”
That’s all backwards.
You’ve got to acknowledge them first,
then try to relate
and then they’ll be open to collaborating.
I got a LinkedIn DM recently,
and it simply said, “I provide solutions.”
Great, I didn’t know
that I had the problems.
It’s like a doctor writing
you a prescription
and not asking you how you feel, where
does it hurt, and looking at your chart.
Someone who got
it right, former student of mine -
it was a big job she wanted,
and she got an email from them
and it said, “Are you available
for a Zoom interview in 15 minutes?”
After she initially freaked out,
she remembered what
I taught her: “You, Me, We.”
She looked them up online,
checked out their social media,
and in that meeting,
she acknowledged them first,
then shared what she brings to the table,
and then suggested how she
may contribute to that team.
She went from a typical prospect
to a potential partner
by walking over that bridge of empathy,
right into a new position.
It was beautiful!
It is amazing how
sparking a true connection
can affect everything,
personal and professional,
by acknowledging them first,
then relating, then trying to collaborate.
Oprah Winfrey gave the 2013
Harvard commencement address,
and what she said
really kind of sums it up.
She said, “The common denominator
is we all want to be validated.
We all want to be understood.”
Quote, unquote.
We all want to be acknowledged, right?
I mean, how does somebody
successfully ignite connection?
Because they look
for that bridge of empathy,
take the right steps in the right order.
So as you and I
look to take our bridge
into the future with each other,
if you step on that bridge first,
then followed by me,
we will have a genuine connection.
Thank you.