The lifelong impact of absent fathers
[Music]
[Music]
fatherless
is an interesting word everyone has a
father
but how that father relates to their
children
is a different story everyone in this
room has a father
but everyone has a different experience
with their father
i took the time to think about eight
different types of fathers and i’m
pretty sure
that i left out some of them so please
forgive me in advance
let’s first talk about the disney dad
this is the all-inclusive dad who is
at everything i mean this dad was
always available the first to sign up
for a pta event
and didn’t even mind overlooking a
alabama football game for the bake sale
he is a disney dad everybody knows at
least
one disney dad but some of us
had a hollow dad that hollow dad was
in the home but was emotionally
disconnected some of us had a stone cold
steve
austin dad who was quick to grab a beer
quick to throw a punch or quick to hurl
insults at their family that father
was very emotionally and very physically
abusive
some of us had a peek-a-boo dad
that was constantly in and out
of their children’s lives others
had a hide-and-go-seek dad dad
is he here mom have you seen him
was he here this weekend where is dad
some of us had a hide-and-go-seek dad
others of us had the experience of
losing a father
had the experience of a divorcing
parent situation those fathers are
called hopscotch dads
those unfortunately by court mandate
were offered the opportunity to be in
and out of the child’s life every other
weekend
or every other week hopscotch dads
then there are some that were invisible
dads those dads we never saw
and we never even knew who they were
some of us
have had the issue of losing a father
completely
to death or however that happened but
it’s very unfortunate
those we call angel dads
regardless of whatever type of dad we
had we all had one
but what does the definition of father
less mean
fabulous in this case actually puts the
responsibility
and the ownership on the father to be
engaging
to be enlightening to be encouraging and
to equip their children
fathers who fail to create a firm
foundation for their children
actually put their children at a great
disadvantage
the children that actually have to go
through a fatherless situation
have the ability or look at life in a
different format
there’s no there’s no um
guessing or second guessing to even
think that a child that has gone through
such a difficult situation
has not had to overcome some significant
barriers in fact
it is a fact that children who have both
parents
are more inclined especially if those
parents were
i gave them clear boundaries and clear
expectations
those children are more likely to be
emotionally
educationally socially and also
behaviorally
more prominent we have to understand
that there are all
different types of scenarios but we must
understand
how to help students or help children
get
through some of these scenarios i
personally
had a peek-a-boo dad he was consistently
in and out of my life
i remember always wondering did my
dad really love me and if he did
isn’t love an action word
as a child i remember sitting on the
corner or right on the edge of my
grandmother’s couch
waiting on my father to arrive i
remember this distinct sound of someone
coming up the stairs
my grandmother had a wooden porch and we
can hear when visitors were coming
my grandmother had a door that was made
of glass but it had 16 panes on it
and on this side of the door there was
a curtain anytime we went to look at
or to see who was coming in we would
open that curtain to find that
kind visitor every time my father would
come to visit
there was always this great anticipation
of a game of peek-a-boo
i would go to the door and open that
curtain and lo and behold he will pop
his face
right into that panel where i opened the
curtain
oh what a great feeling i was so excited
to see him
matter of fact i was so excited that he
took his time
to come and see me i felt special i felt
loved
but oh my goodness i wondered what he
would teach me
when he teach me to play the drums he
was excellent at that
in fact that’s how my mother and father
met she was the lead singer
he was the drummer would he teach me to
play a rhythm
or would he teach me something about
photography i tell you i don’t know very
many people who
are as gifted with a camera as he is
would he teach me something about
putting something in a frame
or would he teach me to defend myself
as a single child as a you know growing
up with my mom i needed all the help
that i can get
he loved karate in fact he loved bruce
lee he loved bruce lee to the point that
he was going to name me cato
the character from the green hornet that
wouldn’t have worked for me i would have
probably changed my name by now
no offense to those called cato but at
the same time
i remember sitting there at the same
corner at the same
edge of that couch and him not coming
and him not showing up
and i really i remember asking myself
why isn’t
he here i’m ready my book bag is on
i have my items i’m ready to go i just
want to hang out
did you know that 70 percent of
african-american children
grow up in a single-parent home
70 percent and the majority of those
children actually are raised by their
mother
the american legal system is very hard
on those attempting to go through the
child support process
in fact that time can take from three to
six months
and that’s only if both parents are
cooperating
that time could easily extend to nine or
twelve
months only to get child support
did you know that there are almost 14
million
children that are in the child support
system in the united states
14 million this number is astronomical
and
over 50 percent of those are being
raised or those who are
accepting child support are women 50
so when we look at the data 287 dollars
is the average that someone on child
support will receive
287 a month
the census would tell us the most recent
census would tell us
that those who are receiving child
support are only receiving up to maybe
60
of that which is owed that means that on
average
a family or a custodial parent could
actually receive maybe 3 500
a year how in the world can you raise a
child
on 3 500 a year
when we really look at it when we really
investigate deeper
we have to come up with an understanding
of how we can change
the system for the better when i really
stop
to pause and think about the damage that
is done
to the children that are are going
through this fatherless process
i quiver and i lament for them
the distractions that they have to go
through the things that they have to
overcome
did you know that children that grow up
without their father are more likely
to have a diminished world view of
themselves low self-esteem
did you know that they are more likely
to not necessarily believe that they can
actually accomplish that which they
reach for
this is a very difficult situation for a
child to be in
did you know that children that grow up
without their father
are more likely to have behavioral
issues more likely to have mental health
issues more likely to have children
outside of wedlock or be extremely
promiscuous
or be more promiscuous did you know that
those same children
are more likely to to end up in jail or
to end up homeless
this is a constant issue over and over
again that we see in our society
did you know or maybe you didn’t but i
actually conducted a survey
of 50 men and i asked them the question
what is the worst
part about growing up without a father
some of them said i felt guilty i felt
like it was my fault
some of them said that i really did not
learn how to be a man
i wasn’t taught to be a man some of them
said that i really struggle with
understanding how to operate in society
i really hurt for those young men who
actually answered in that way
i learned how to be a man through what i
call inverse intelligence
i had to look at the opposite of what i
saw before me
and really create an environment for
myself that i was able to utilize to
operate now you can only imagine how
difficult that could be
but what if what if we as a society will
hold each other accountable
for what we do as a society we often
rely on the federal systems or we rely
on school systems or the police systems
to help in this in that way but what if
we were to hold each other accountable
what if we were to be at a situation
where we could um what if siblings
weren’t able to hold each other
accountable
what if siblings were able to say listen
i’m not going to allow you to not
live in your child’s world i
if i had a sibling that went through
that i would make sure
that he or she cared for loved as much
as possible that child
because that child deserves it what if
let’s go a little deeper if we were to
address some of the skeletons that were
in the closets
and we were able to bring those
skeletons out as a family and really
address them and bury them well
what if we were able to actually change
the world
from inside of a family and out
there are several things that we may be
able to do as a society
but what about the fatherless the
fatherless i give you
three or four different final points
as a child who has to endure the pain
and the suffering of not having a father
i really
suggest and i hope that you would do one
of four things that you would recognize
number one that you have to start with
you everything starts from within
secondly you have to be able to
acknowledge the fact
that wait a minute your father may have
not provided you with
what you longed for it wasn’t the car
it wasn’t the barbie it was actually his
time that you really wanted
when you’re able to verbalize that to
him then you
actually have an advantage thirdly
if you’re able as a fatherless child to
be able to recognize that he may not
ever be
what you wanted him to be then you may
be able to stand
firm on both feet and recognize that you
have
more power than you ever gave yourself
acknowledgement for
and then lastly if you’re able to simply
appreciate those who have walked with
you you
also strengthen yourself i know that my
mother has moved mountains for me
throughout my life she has not only
moved mountains
she traveled over 800 miles to be here
with me today
i am very thankful and appreciative i’m
very thankful for my wife who has really
walked with me
through these trials and tribulations
over hills
and through valleys i’m very thankful
those four pieces are absolutely
necessary for the fatherless
but what you also in closing what we
have to do
is create those vaccines that will
eradicate fatherlessness
from our society one of those vaccines
has to be accountability
we have to hold men accountable for what
they do
four those who are in that scenario
forgiveness
you have to release the opportunity you
have to release that pain
and you have to stand on your own dot in
your own time
i know that i have done the work and in
transparency
i invited my father here today and
unfortunately he said that he was going
to be here
and he’s not again i’m 40 years old
and i’m still playing peek-a-boo with my
dad
it’s very unfortunate but i’m in a
different place now
and i can stand firmly and i know that
that’s not a reflection of me
that’s a reflection of him
what if we were able to change the world
one family at a time by simply
applying accountability i know we can do
it
thank you
you