From Fear to Forgiveness to Freedom
[Music]
the first i was aware of him
he had his hand around my throat and a
screwdriver to my neck
i screamed and screamed he stabbed me in
the neck he stabbed me in the neck he
stabbed me in the neck
i screamed i looked at him
he is small i can overpower him i
grabbed the screwdriver and i thrusted
into his side
he tightened the grip around my throat i
felt myself
blacking out i fought back i lunged i
plunged i hit her kicking stabbed
screamed i lunged i plunged he hit he i
kicked he stabbed i screamed
he took the screwdriver and he stabbed
me in the throat he stabbed me in the
mouth
i saw a tooth flying through the air in
slow motion
it must be mine i fought back i lunged i
plunged i hit her kick he stabbed i
screamed
he he hit me again i hit him in the face
with
it with my fist he took his hand and he
started strangling me
my contact lenses popped out i couldn’t
see
i fought he pushed my head down he said
see what you made me do
we fell to the ground he hit my head
against the wall
he took the screwdriver and stared me in
the air
flowing blood gushing flood
i screamed i could not hear the scream
how do we find our voice and be heard
after facing such a dark event
how do we restore our power when it has
been taken from us
come and join me on this journey where i
share with you how we can move from
victim
to survival to thriver and beyond
to freedom do you know that this journey
is not linear
it is quite convoluted and it’s up and
down and backwards and forwards
and there are many many roadblocks on
this journey there are hazards they are
detours they are called the socks
you might have to go back and start
again and you might even change your
destination
and also know that there are many other
people on similar journeys
they may have different destinations
they may be driving different vehicles
but they will be facing
the same kind of hazards and detours on
their journeys
and also know that you are not alone
there are therapists and healers and
coaches and families and friends
and people who can guide you and help
you on this journey
so let me be your guide and your compass
as we navigate the twists and the turns
and the hills
and the valleys come and join me as we
find
freedom together and let’s follow the
signposts
that i have discovered on my journey of
healing
the first signpost is knowledge
acknowledge
acknowledge what has happened to you so
you go through life
normal functioning and then something
happens to disrupt you
something it could be an accident it
could be
it could be a divorce the loss of a job
a robbery
some kind of disruption a challenge or
adversity that changes your life
and you become a victim
so how do you acknowledge what has
happened the first thing is to
to divorce the feelings from the
the actual event what happened happened
i was attacked and raped and their foot
dead
it happened i cannot change that
fortunately i didn’t die
maybe you were in an accident doesn’t
matter whose fault it was the accident
happened your car is now
a round off you are in hospital with a
broken leg
it happened you need to accept it
so you need to acknowledge what has
happened and
keep the emotions out of it because the
emotions of victim
are there for a reason and you need to
accept
those emotions so
how do you accept those emotions the
victim emotions are anger fear
hatred disgust shame guilt
depression there are so many negative
emotions that you experience when you
are in victim mode and it’s important
that you acknowledge them and
accept them feel those emotions don’t
push them under the table because they
will come back and trigger you later on
in life
they do not go away they are there
forever unless you
deal with them so you need to physically
work with those emotions and what i
suggest
is use all your senses label them and
rate them on a scale
so i was filled with rage after i was
checked
it was a 10. maybe after your accident
you’re angry
and it’s an eight maybe the accident
wasn’t so bad and it’s a five
so whatever it is find it and rate it
and describe it in as much detail what
does it smell like
rotten eggs where did you feel it felt
it in my gut
what did it make you want to do made me
want to kill him
okay all those negative negative
feelings
and emotions deal with it rate with it
be creative in your description of it
because it will help you later
to change those emotions to positive
emotions
and that brings us to resilience
so with resilience what resilience is a
lot of people say it is bouncing back
to where you were before
the trauma or the or the disruption
happened
but it’s not bouncing back because you
never quite get back to where you were
before
so what resilience is it is dealing with
the situation it’s finding a way to
to come to terms with it you need
courage you need strength you need
creativity
you need to start a dialogue you need to
have conversations
so it is about reframing and refocusing
and redirecting the experience
so that it makes sense to you so for me
after i was raped i wanted to change the
world
so i became an activist and i went out
and i lobbied and i wrote petitions and
i
led marches through the streets because
i was now
a survivor so
resilience brings you to the survivor
mode
but know that survival is still
it’s still a struggle
so what happens after survivor survival
is
the next step you’re now surviving
you’re getting on with your life you’ve
reached some form of normality again
so you want your gritner and grit is
future focused it is focused on new
dreams
new aspirations new directions so grid
is a wonderful place to be
and so it’s about going forging forward
to a new reality with passion
perseverance and persistence so
important because then you become a
thriver
and to be in a thriva it’s where you are
empowered
and you’ve got energy and you’ve got
some level of success
and in addition you get a growth mindset
where you say what have i learned from
this
whatever what have i benefited
from this how has it helped me how does
it help me grow
where is it going to help other people
and that’s when you get a benefit
mindset how can i use my experience
to help other people then we come to the
next signpost and the next signpost
is forgiving yourself so forgiving
yourself
sometimes is not easy but it’s important
that you
you look at all of those emotions that
you had especially during the victim
stage i hated the rapist
i wanted to kill him i was very unhappy
i had all these negative emotions hatred
is a terrible emotion to keep so i
needed to forgive myself for having that
emotion
and i needed to forgive myself for the
behaviors i drank too much to drown my
sorrows
you need to work with those emotions and
forgive yourself for having them they
were needed at the time
but they don’t serve you in the longer
term so forgive yourself
and then we want to take the big step
and we want to forgive others forgive
the perpetrator
so i had left south africa this
the rape happened in 1996 and
13 years later i left south africa to
work in the middle east
and a year later i was coming back to
south africa for my first holiday
and for some reason i had not done this
in the last 14 years
for some reason i contacted the
authorities to find out what had
happened
to the rapist he had been given a
25-year prison sentence
and the authorities informed me that he
was coming up for parole
the day after i arrived in the country
and the law had just changed allowing
victims
as they call them of serious crime to
attend parole hearings
so i decided to go much against the
advice
of family and friends it was too much of
a coincidence
i had to go so the morning
of the hearing i got up it was a
beautiful cape town spring
morning it was a beautiful drive through
the farmlands
lovely spring flowers the sun obliquely
shining
the the snow peaked mountains in the
background
oh it was so beautiful i was calm and
relaxed and then suddenly i turned a
corner
and then against this tranquil bank
backdrop
was this dreadful prison gray building
with electrified barbed wire fencing
armed security guards marching the
perimeter
it was quite eerie and they led me in
and i had to walk through the prison
metal gates clanging shut behind me
down these narrow corridors and
all these orange overall prisoners
waiting for their parole hearings or for
their therapies
it was a bit nervy i entered the room
there were eight gentlemen sitting there
they brought in the prisoner they went
through all the formalities
read his reps she talked about his his
progress in the prison and then they
asked me if i had anything to say to him
and i looked at him looked him in the
eyes
and i said richard i do not condone what
you have done
but i am handing the responsibility back
to you
i compassionately and completely forgive
you from my higher self
to your higher self and i take back
my freedom
the authorities were astounded they
asked if i would pose for a photograph
with the prisoner
i said sure no problem after all i was
the first person in south africa
to attend one of these new parole
hearings
the authorities said to me they would
let me know in seven days
if he got parole or not it was such an
amazing feeling
i looked at them and i said no i don’t
want to know i don’t need to know
i was now completely free of that
individual and it’s understanding that
forgiveness is not about the other
person it’s about
you being bonded to that other person
it’s about you
and it’s about breaking that bond and so
i did not walk out of that prison i flew
out of that prison completely free
so you too can be free
you too can find your voice and be heard
and you can take back the power and move
out of the darkness
into their light so please join me
walking without skin and let’s fly
together
to freedom thank you i am lois
your friend for forgiveness