The illusion of control
[Applause]
waking up
can be hard i’m probably not alone in
feeling a certain resentment towards
alarm clocks
now imagine how you might feel to wake
up each morning
and see the sun rise on the far side of
a barred window
in those first few moments of
consciousness i’ve experienced
everything
from helpless rage to crushing
loneliness
and that’s before the day even gets
started
it’s said that life is a cruel teacher
who gives the test
first and the lesson second mark twain
reportedly said that education is what’s
left
after we’ve forgotten everything we
learned in school and i would add
that wisdom seems to be what’s left
after we’ve failed the tests life throws
at us
there’s a prayer which goes lord grant
me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change the
courage
to change the things i can and the
wisdom to know the difference
i may not be especially wise but i do
feel that i’ve developed some insight
into what it is we can
and can’t control in life the upside
of being deprived of the normal agency
over my life
is that i was forced to focus very
narrowly
on the things within my control many of
us
operate with an illusion of control over
our lives
feeling like we can plan everything out
that illusion is easily shattered by a
car crash
a sudden illness or in my case being
thrown into prison
and losing almost all control over the
conditions of my life
some expert climbers talk about staying
in a three-foot world focusing
only on the next set of handholds
now i would point out the graph search
problems associated with only
considering adjacent nodes
but life probably can’t be solved with
an algorithm yet
each of us can only act in this
particular moment
and often frustratingly we can’t control
or even necessarily anticipate
the actions of everyone around us i
began to learn this as a coxswain in
high school and college
while technically i was in charge of the
boat i could only turn the rudder
everything else depended on either the
rowers in my boat
or the crews of the other shells on the
water it’s only in hindsight
that i began to appreciate what profound
lessons i might have learned
no matter how detailed you race plan you
can’t stop
other boats from drifting into your lane
or blocking you on a turn
the success of the boat depends on the
efforts and choices of others
not just yourself one lesson life only
bothers to teach
after you’ve failed the test is that
sometimes
nothing you say or do can change someone
else’s feelings
my engagement fell apart in the months
after i came to prison
ending a seven-year relationship i had
thought would last the rest of my life
accepting that my fiance’s feelings had
changed was a very
hard lesson but one which highlighted
what i was able to control
versus what was in the hands of others i
learned a lot
growing up as the oldest of seven
children
few things in life are more frustrating
than seeing a younger sibling
take their life in a harmful direction
you may offer advice
you may yell at them you may even try to
put in some of the work for them
but ultimately you can only set the
example
other people have to help themselves
first
i’ve also realized in the immortal words
of cool hand luke
that there’s some people you just can’t
reach
i experienced this with a kid i met when
i entered the county jail
following trial without going into
excessive detail
he had some substance abuse issues and
some anger problems
but also a two-year-old son and when i
met him
my older brother instincts kicked in and
i encouraged him to take advantage of an
opportunity he had to complete a drug
treatment program
instead of a prison term unfortunately
he attempted suicide and was
hospitalized
well i wrote him a letter the next day
trying to offer support
and encouraging him to focus on his son
and it seemed to me
that he could chart a course forward by
completing the treatment program
and finding a healthy outlet for his
negative emotions
as a disclaimer i’m in no way
professionally qualified
to dispense advice on handling mental
health issues
but to my reasoning the solution seemed
relatively straightforward
instead he returned from the hospital
and proceeded to barter
borrowed property as collateral for
drugs
running up numerous debts before signing
into protective custody
to avoid repayment that was the last i
ever saw of him
i felt like i’d failed him but was also
offended
that he had apparently ignored my
attempt to help
and made zero effort to help himself
it was some time before i was able to
accept
that i could only extend a hand to help
he had to live his own life
and make his own choices i find
that running is very useful in training
myself to focus
only on the things within my immediate
control
it’s simpler than rowing and can be done
just about anywhere except zero gravity
when i run initially a thousand thoughts
buzzed through my mind
whether tyrion should sit the iron
throne
or if that yelling was the start of a
fight breaking out
and after a mile or two those thoughts
fade into the background
and running becomes a form of meditation
for me brandon sanderson wrote
that the most important step in a
journey is
not the first but always the next step
this is a poignant expression of where
the limit of our control
truly lies each of us can only take the
next step
reach for the next handhold make a
conscious decision
in this moment because the past
is immutable and the future unknowable
limits are often perceived as holding us
back
but the most creative solutions are the
result of working within the constraints
of a given problem
the benefit of being deprived of normal
agency over my life
is that i was forced to focus very
narrowly on my internal state of mind
on my responses to the factors outside
my control
mark divine’s practice of a mind
sentinel or cognitive checkpoint
is very useful for this i adapted the
practice to my
personal philosophy which resembles less
of an ideal
platonic form and more of a hoarder’s
basement
it consists of actively listening to my
internal dialogue
the thoughts which shaped my
self-perception and consciously choosing
which ones to internalize and which ones
to reject
while performing this examination i find
that most sources of stress are beyond
my control
and i’m able to act with more purpose
and intention
in each moment i think of these decision
points
as opportunities for one percent wins
tiny steps which compound over time
much the way the sun gradually lightens
the sky
each morning on the other side of that
barred window
on that note my call to action is simple
it has to do
with how you begin the day tomorrow the
military advocates
that you start by making your bed
properly but i’ve found
it’s impossible to put hospital corners
on a prison cot
instead i choose to begin the day by
consciously smiling
it isn’t always easy and initially feels
ridiculous
but there’s a strong feedback loop
between the mind and body
and gradually my smile stops feeling
forced
and becomes genuine when i begin the day
with this affirmative act of willpower i
find it’s easier
to perceive the limits of my own agency
to focus on the choices i do have
and to ignore external sources of stress
i would encourage each of you to try it
for yourself
first thing tomorrow thank you
[Applause]
you