Be the REAL You Selfish or Not How to Become Your Best Self
[Music]
is it true
that being selfish is a bad thing
let’s look at the definition of selfish
to be concerned excessively or
exclusively with oneself
seeking or concentrating on one’s own
advantage
pleasure well-being without regard for
others how does that sound to you
let me tell your story so when i was a
child
i was constantly reminded not to be
selfish
and to think of others first i can
almost hear my parents and other
community members
say that putting yourself first
is for the most part wrong growing up in
a catholic home
the needs of others and to accept
everyone
for whom they were always came first
i really wanted to be that person the
one that made
every everyone happy and accepted
there’s nothing wrong with that right
i struggle with this message and i’ll
tell you why
we lived in a close-knit community i had
many friends
but there were also those girls
the ones who felt good making
fun of me the way i talk and the way i
walked
so i was about eight years old when i
shared this with my parents
and they told me not to pay any
attention to them
and just be nice beatrice
i was so confused how can i be nice to
them
when they’re not even being nice to me
and my little inner voice would say you
have to be the better person beatrice
this was the first time i felt
that my feelings didn’t matter i felt
sad
so i asked my parents again if they
cared about me
my feelings and they would quickly say
of course we do
but accepting others and everyone for
who they
are is very important
what i really heard that day was that i
didn’t matter
and if i chose me my feelings and how
they affected me
i was being selfish so i tried mending
my relationship
with those girls i chose to accept them
for who they were
no matter how mean they were being to me
but that didn’t go the way i hoped they
made fun of me they made fun of how
naive i was
and even slapped me around a couple of
times
for me that was very traumatic
it was an experience that affected my
innermost
sense of safety my core belief and my
reality were now distorted
this experience affected how i felt my
parent about my parents
their guidance and their expectations of
me
unbeknownst to my parents and other
community members
they were planting seeds of self-doubt
and shame so depending on your faith
culture values and environment
your beliefs will be shaped by those
around you
i remember telling myself that putting
my needs
in my safety first meant that i was
wrong
so this little story i was telling
myself kept growing
and deepening more and more as i grew
older
it made me feel different so much that i
i
isolated myself from others
thinking that i was not good enough i
kept telling myself that i just didn’t
fit in this world
i started to think that i was not
deserving of belonging
for me that early memory was the
beginning
of a distorted belief one that affected
my sense of self my sense of safety
cognitive behavior therapy says that if
we change the way we think
we can change the way we feel our
thoughts
whether conscience or unconscious create
feelings
and our feelings create behaviors
and our behavior affect how we interact
with others if we learn to focus
on our thoughts and how they make us
feel we become more present
more open and mindful of what drives our
behavior
it helps us understand more about
ourselves
it helps us ask questions such as where
did that belief come from
how come it’s making me feel this way
if we don’t stop and ask these questions
these thoughts
will automatically trigger old hurts
leaving us feeling trapped in a story
that no longer belongs to us
stories such as i’m not good enough
i am not wanted or i
am not loved
leaving us feeling insecure confused
and uncertain it leaves us
wounded these unhealthy thoughts and
feelings
lead us to become impulsive reactive
and out of control my distorted beliefs
created a negative coping mechanism
one that led me to believe that if i was
going to be who i wanted to be
i needed to be rebellious and aggressive
this belief created an extreme version
of myself
the i can do it all i appear fearless
strong and driven however
my reality was that i was feeling
trapped
in the book the body keeps the scores
dr bessel van der quark explains
trauma is not just an event that takes
place in the past
but an imprint left
by the experience
in our mind and body but mainly in our
bodies
trauma lives in our body and any
situation can trigger it
and intensify the feeling as if it was
happening right now
i was 19 years old when i found myself
in a toxic relationship where i relived
all of those all patterns leaving me
feeling unsafe and afraid
again this made me feel
helpless and powerless i was giving
everyone my power
and by doing that i allowed their
perception of me
to impact my reality
so one day feeling extremely vulnerable
and unhappy with the help of a family
member
i ended that relationship trauma
lived in my body and how i was going to
heal was up to me
it was time for me to embrace myself
love myself and feel safe
inside my body my quest
for becoming my best self and a bit
selfish
became my main priority
with the help of therapy i learned to
release my
fears through meditation and mindfulness
i took control of my life every time i
felt
triggered i learned to ask myself
what is it inside of me that is making
me
feel this way this provided a space for
me to reflect on my thoughts and
feelings and take the attention away
from others
and how they were making me feel
so instead of overreacting i focus on me
and i respond by responding
and not reacting i take control of my
life
and my power i no longer was that
wounded little girl who made up a story
about not deserving to be loved
i learned to leave the past behind me
and heal my inner child so that i can
feel
safe it was time for me
to rewrite my story and accept to me
for who i was selfish or not
i was going to do what made me happy
i chose me and i surrendered
i accepted me just the way i am
imperfectly perfect
when you read the definition of selfish
it has a negative connotation to it
however the reality is that when you
excessively and exclusively
focus on your well-being everyone
benefits
so i’m okay with being selfish because
when i
am true to myself i am facing my
inner child where my experiences have
helped me in the way i see the world
but it does not dictate who i am
i am now able to share my uniqueness
my own thoughts my own ideas
in my own experiences without fear
shame or guilt
so how do you rewrite your story
well it took me a long time to get here
but once you go through the process of
learning
about where your distorted beliefs come
from
taking responsibility for your actions
accepting yourself for who you are
choosing to live in the present
only then you can start rewriting your
story
so i want to challenge you to start
living
your truth seeing you
loving you and accepting
the real you because when you put
yourself first you choose your best
self the authentic you
the real you thank you