Alopecia Sprouts Growth
[Music]
i don’t know when it became normal
to try to look like everyone else
to change what we already possess inside
of us
to something foreign to our own beauty
and to allow someone else’s word to tell
us
what beautiful looks like
looking in the mirror changes as we all
grow up there are more things we notice
and things that change that we don’t
have control over
this truth of aging and beauty fading is
scary to so many
myself included in my case
this change didn’t just come with older
age
it came with the trigger of an
autoimmune gene that caused my hair to
fall out
in its entirety within three
months to give you some context
before high school i was comfortable in
my own skin
i looked in the mirror with an
unquestioned confidence
which may or may not have been because
of all the praise i received from my
loved ones growing up
i was the golden child
i kept my hair long because in my
household lengthy and smooth hair
was a strong sign of health and beauty
i saw my hair as my golden ticket it
meant a lot to me
it was the key to my beauty and so did
many others who thought
the same before they commented on it my
whole entire life
but the love and gratitude i had for my
hair
did not help me from losing it
as i was entering my first year of high
school
and losing my hair my confidence level
dropped to an all-time low
just two weeks into school my mom combed
my hair
and in that day’s combing and the next
day
and the day after that we noticed the
amount of hair that slipped out with the
brush
to be roughly the size of a softball
this continued every single day after
that
a visit to my dermatologist a skin and
hair doctor
allowed for a moment of calm before the
storm for we were told
there was no need to worry it was like a
cat losing hair
she promised us without a doubt that i
was not going to go bald
and that it would stop within a week or
two
yeah so she was wrong soon
my thick hair had spots that were small
enough to be covered
by my ponytail and then a simple
headband covered what was missing from
the front
and finally when my sculpt was covered
by a headband
half the size of my head
and my ponytail was less than the width
of a pencil
i felt out of options and alien in my
own skin
waiting for a custom wig would take at
least two weeks time
time that i did not have
my mom’s creativity spared me the need
to accept my fate
and block the world to see me as i was
with her iron will she pulled for a
solution
headbands with extensions sewn into it
this talk about hair may have you
wondering
why is hair so influential if you were
to imagine yourself with hair loss
how would it change the way you perceive
yourself
many may say that it is worse for me
because i am a female
and in many ways it is because society
has a harder time accepting a bald
female
than a bald male however
a male without eyebrows and eyelashes
can surely raise some eyebrows on his
appearance
just as a female would and when your
eyelashes aren’t there to catch
particles that fall into your eyes
well it can be so annoying
i was diagnosed with alopecia
universalis
which simply put is an autoimmune
condition where your own
immune system attacks every single hair
follicle
on your body for me it started with my
scalp
then my eyebrows and eyelashes and the
rest followed suit
it was not painful physically but
emotionally destructive
my first priority after being diagnosed
was to remain the golden child
not only at home but at the societal
level
i believe society would feel most
comfortable with me
if i were to cover up my condition and
this seemed doable because
my mom and i believed that my hair would
grow back to its full glory
before i left high school
it couldn’t be permanent no
i wouldn’t have that it has to grow back
it will grow back
this was the inner dialogue of both my
mom and i
what made the weekly doctor visits the
prescriptions with
too many horrible side effects to count
the impossible food cleanses
and the awful chemical that burned my
scalp
bearable
but with every attempt i made to cover
up my condition
i was unconsciously telling myself
that it would be catastrophic for the
world to see what i’ve become
when i looked in the mirror the
lightness of seeing myself was no longer
there
i honestly feared that i would never
find joy in my appearance again
so i tried avoiding seeing myself in a
mirror
and for that entire year and most of the
next
i barely took photos of myself
because i didn’t feel pretty
or worth photographing
i did not want the memory of this dark
period
and it was scary enough to be in high
school
and go through the natural changes that
a female’s body goes through
but the added stress of going through
something that no
other girl or boy was going through made
me feel like a freak
my confidence level was so low and
destroyed that
i just turned down my personality and
became reserved
i did my best to keep everyone on my
good side
i did favors for them when they asked
and
i just tried to be a good community
member overall
yet the question always remained
would i be loved treated
or cared for if i took off my wig
perhaps it remained because the few who
knew of my condition
looked at me with pity not like i was
meja
the golden girl with an inner strength
to hold herself together
for all her hardships
and with the doctors questioning if i
was still going to school
well that just made me feel like i don’t
belong in
normal society
but these thoughts and emotions were
only entertaining for so long
i felt an inner awakening coming
and i was ready for this fresh chapter i
started to question what the point of
putting myself through physically
painful treatments was
if my own illness wasn’t causing that
pain itself
i soon realized that the burden
of abandoning who i am
was too heavy to carry any longer
i no longer dealt with the thoughts of
the immense
pressure of trying to fit in
as soon as i accepted i am beautiful
in my own individual way
i was looking and living the healthiest
life i have
ever lived because of my adopted diet
of radiating self-love
funny enough my hair started coming back
it started to come back when i
was able to connect to who i am and let
go of what could have been
and what had been
i perceived alopecia universalis
as the monster which deprived me of a
normal life
but in reality it was myself
with the beliefs of others put in my
head that from a young age
what makes a girl beautiful
is her hair
instead alopecia has shown a light
on the beauty standards that have taken
control over my life
and showed me to stop from following
what everyone else
had planned for me it allowed me to walk
down
a road of self-connectivity trust and
love
that would never have been open to me
without this condition
i journeyed into a more fulfilling and
deeper
process of finding who i am and who i
choose to be
although it has been and continues to be
a journey with steps taken both forwards
and backwards i continue to walk it
because i can see and i know
that i am worthy of my own self-love
no matter what i look like now
in the future or the past
today i no longer need
the weight of hiding behind a wig
today i can say thank you to myself
for holding myself up all this time
and allowing myself to do the work
in trusting who i am becoming
i started with how i talked to myself
when i was standing in front of a mirror
i looked in the mirror instead with
pride
and happiness and i pointed out all the
things that i
truly cherish about me
i urge you to try this yourselves
look in the mirror with a smile that
reaches your eyes
and say something about yourself that
you are proud of
lift yourself up keep your head held
high
and never forget the undeniable truth
that you are always always worthy
of your own love
i am mayhes and thank you
for allowing me to share