The coexistence of pain and growth
[Music]
[Applause]
hello everyone
um my understanding of the age
wisdom of yin and yang is that
it is about the coexistence
of seemingly opposing forces
such as day and night light
and dark loud and quiet
shallow and deep warm
and cold and even life and death
based on this understanding i would say
my most recent moment of yin and yang
was the very moment that i was invited
to give this ted talk
indeed about yin and yang um consistent
with the yin and yang definition
i experienced the coexistence of
two seemingly opposing emotions
excitement and terror
so i would be honest and say that all of
you in the audience are
both my source of excitement and also my
source of terror
and that is because i would like to make
sure that i do a good job by you
so today i’d like to talk with you
about what i see as another important
way
that humans can experience as
important yin and yang moment
and that is the coexistence of
emotional pain and emotional growth
in the face of trauma
and the possibility of embracing them
both
where meaningful life transformation can
take place
so this is not a talk about how to not
be affected by your trauma
on the contrary it is a story
about people who are quite affected by
that trauma
struggling to survive it struggling
to make sense of it and as a result
of that struggle a new life
narrative emerges something that is
academically called post-traumatic
growth
as a clinical psychologist i have been
quite fortunate
and honored to have witnessed such
personal transformations quite regularly
both in my clinical practice and in my
research work
i have had opportunities to work with
many trauma survivors
and from all walks of life and from
different
cultural backgrounds and also with
different types of trauma
i worked with an individual who
became paralyzed from the waist down
due to a work-related accident
that suddenly turned his life upside
down
i have interviewed people who lost
their loved ones their homes and their
belongings
to a natural disaster
i have worked with women
who were rescued from extreme abuse
and assault by their human figures
i have also worked with adolescents as
young as pre-teens
who were bullied and rejected by their
peers
simply because they were perceived as
somehow different
spanning across different types of
trauma
and tragedy across various voices and
stories
what i have observed as some of the
common themes
include excruciating emotional pain
feeling a complete loss of control
feeling a complete overhaul of what they
have believed
to be true in their lives
one patient of mine described it quite
vividly
as her mind and her whole body being
in this emotional storm with no end in
sight
however over time something else
also emerges something that sounds like
a new life narrative of positive changes
and growth after such trauma
research on post-traumatic growth has
suggested that
it is not about the type of trauma
that can facilitate the process of
growth
what event is traumatic is quite
personal to the person
experiencing it rather
one main element in such event
is that the event got them to deeply
challenge
and question their core beliefs and core
values
about who they are about how they have
lived their lives
and about the world around them and a
lot of these beliefs
have gone un examined and unchallenged
for a long time before the traumatic
event
it is also not about any characteristics
of trauma survivors that make growth
happen
so i think it is safe to say that
everyone can experience growth after
trauma
research has suggested that
the process of growth after trauma can
manifest
in changes in trauma survivors
in one or more of these five ways
one how some people start to view
themselves
as stronger than they thought they were
for getting through such
trauma two how some people
begin to cherish their interpersonal
relationships more
and begin to feel closer to people
around them
three how some people start to see new
possibilities
in life that they may not have seen
before
the trauma four
how some people start to experience
enhanced
appreciation for life some people
with a near-death experience describe it
as being given a second chance at living
and being given the opportunity
to re-prioritize important things in
their lives
and start to not take things for granted
and five how some people describe it
as a deeper connection with their
spirituality
which may or may not include religion
a deeper connection with spirituality
can lead to
an increased empathy for people
in general both people that we know and
people that we don’t know
culture has a lot to do with how people
express their growth after trauma
one cambodian research participant
described it to me
by using a cambodian saying or
expression
to describe his trauma experience as
having a broken courage
and he described his growth after trauma
as having a renewed courage
and to him the renewed courage feels
quite different
from the courage he had known before the
trauma
and he described it as the courage that
is less
reckless less untouchable
but more about the courage to move
forward with his life
despite being touched by his trauma
everyone’s journey to growth after
trauma
is quite unique and personal
very different but one key
element that seems to help place
people on the road to growth is the
element
of acceptance
except that trauma had happened
except that their lives have been
affected by in significant ways
except they their vulnerability without
trying to run away from it
also accept and honor all the emotions
that emerge in response to trauma
this type of acceptance is qualitatively
different
from feeling fatalistic or feeling
defeated
or hopeless it is a type of acceptance
that feels calming and grounding
and they’re overall feeling okay
with the storm which then
in turn helps them to rise above the
storm
towards healing and growth
throughout my work with my clients and
my research participants
i have learned to listen deeply
for the narrative of trauma and pain
and the narrative of growth as they
often coexist in subtle ways
and i have been a companion witnessing
such personal transformations in
wonderful
trauma survivors and somehow i’m
indirectly growing along with them
but three years ago i had a direct
experience with i would say one of my
most major
in the young moments in my life which
allowed me to gain a fuller appreciation
for the coexistence of growth and pain
and this time of life and death
it was the moment when i was in the
hospital with my father
during his last days of his fight with
cancer
and i was there sitting with him showing
him
the first time my newborn daughter two
months old
and my two-year-old son
looking back at it i realized that i was
right there in the middle of the moment
where death and life coexisted
right before my eyes
it was quite excruciating to think
that my dad who was my rock and will
continue to be in my mind
would not get to see my children grow up
but by accepting that fact i was able to
be more present
with him during his last days
and also i was able to start to see
a new life narrative for myself
as to how i would like to carry on his
legacy
through my relationship with my kids
and also as you may recall the one of
the five ways that we can experience
the post-traumatic growth mindset
is the increased ability to see
possibilities
new possibilities in life
i believe that one of the ways that i
grew
from having the experience of my dad’s
passing
was how i was able to see
a new opportunity to move to a new
country like vietnam
and to join a new university
to help develop a new psychology program
and most importantly it allowed me
to be able to say yes to this ted talk
invitation
despite feeling excited
and somewhat terrified
and also to have an opportunity to share
with you all today
about the importance of listening to
and honoring the coexistence
of emotional pain and emotional growth
within yourselves
and in people around you thank you very
much
[Applause]