When A Place Called Home Isnt Home
[Music]
i remember when i was
five lying on the ground with my head
spinning easily
when i came home later that day
my mom asked me binka
what happened to your face because there
was an
open wound on my right you and it’s
quite big
i remember blaming a friend of mine and
she was my dearest friend i’m sorry if
you’re watching this
i blame her for pushing me
to the curb of your own while in reality
i wasn’t sure about what had happened
like a normal people do i was afraid
but i wasn’t afraid about
what happened to me even it left me
scars
but i was afraid
about not having an answer a real answer
to give
my name is carmelita binka and i’m your
girl on decision
when that ex-itb committee
invited me with the team surrounding
home and
families i had to look back
and think about a writing i made before
titled
it means the most strictured wealth
is in your family which is quite
contradictive
with what society will portray about
as the title suggests in that past i
brought up the notion of
huargachimara which was
a famous
soap opera indonesian soap opera in 90s
that’s all that’s about how family
should behave around each other
and how it is just not suited for
reality today
most of the audience for this static
style
are from gen z and millennials
which grew in a society just like i do
we are expected to smile
while solving a problem meticulously and
we shall be perfect
in reality however
that does not make any sense and we all
are aware of this
we all struggle in our own
secretive way
truth to be told we grew up in a society
that asked a little bit too much
and gives a little bit too late
we want to know other secrets downfalls
adversities and what is going to happen
tomorrow
so much we want to know everything so
that we often
look past knowing our true self
our true identity
this problem actually dates back to the
nature
of human life itself
when we are born we are stamped an
identity
that is so seemingly inherent to us
through our existing family’s
reputations
we did not get to decide who we are
in the eyes of the world
we are our parents kids and in some
countries
including indonesia were even given
religion by birth
so where’s the problem what’s the
problem
why i cannot teach my kids well this
might seem normal
and it’s quite contradictive
but being late at realizing that you
are your own human
you are your own human will have
the instrumental effects for your
own growth
back when i was 10 i was a bully
elementary school student for another
day but
this was a time when facebook were so
hot
and cool and everyone played illegally
there’s a lot of underage people and
i remember that i did not
receive any of my kindergarten friends
requests
and even mock some of them away simply
because
i thought i did not like
getting approached by anyone
even though these guys had nothing to do
with bullying me
i was so resentful of everyone
and i thought i had known why
now looking back i have to acknowledge
that
one of my older relatives
played a role in me behaving like that
she were resentful and never was
comfortable enough
and getting approached by anyone
so family had played a role in
shaping the 10 years old me
family to me back then are pleases
and people that i spend my time with
in the critical times of golden age
of birth to 5 years old
the concept of golden age applies in
so many educational structures
even in the field of sports
in 1998 takashi ono
a former japanese soccer team player
first note that there was something
magical
that makes it so special
in a golden age period that makes him
alter his practice method to focus
on developing early talents in that age
and now japan take golden age seriously
they are using professors to teach
the kids more instead of the adults
for me the same applies in the world of
ballet and which
requires hard and tedious work
and education from really early on to
have a chance
to be a professional i was a
professional ballerina
from 3 to 11 years old
i can say that i am a hard worker
because
i was exposed by the professional
ballerina life
since an early age
the golden age is truly a period where
we learn
so many things fundamentally
all at once and can never
be revisited again
but the problem is we tend to normalize
this
to the point where we blame so many
external factors
for failure and so many other critical
times
and the reality is that every day is
critical in our lives
one day you can have everything you need
and you will
feel grateful you will feel blessed
but the next day you might pray for
something
totally out of reach
simply because we saw others owning
different things
even it’s something that you don’t need
as a person we like to be in
control and win every single time
we like to know how to anticipate
unfortunate events
that are beyond our control
including how others behave and how the
past
unfolds
we know this is not a good habit for
sure and
it’s quite unrealistic but let’s be
honest
and let’s be realistic not everyone can
have a privilege to be content
it is a long week process a constant
battle
that we have to face every single day
where we have to distinguish our own
internal problem
and people’s mistakes do it right
and you have a wonderful life but do it
wrong
and you will find yourself blaming
others
for own internal problems
the same applies to the concept of
families
there is a famous words blood is thicker
than water
you may heard it before but i used to
i used to be this kind of person that
always put my family first before anyone
else
even myself i have to be on my family
side
even when they are wrong no matter what
happen
i have to be on their side
now i realize that a family member’s
mistake
is not our internal problem
the notion of family reputations to me
do not make any sense because each
individual
can only control themselves
family in its core sense are people that
you
have relations with we wrongfully
give meaning to it strongly leaning
towards bloodline connection
but let me ask you how many times do you
feel stronger connection
with others that have different
bloodline than you
so as for reflect back on the notion of
family
put aside the toxic portrayal of
bloodline members helping each other and
supporting each other no matter what
a mistake is a mistake and to each is
their own
we have to focus on things we can
control
instead of blaming it on things
we cannot control that are beyond our
control
at the same time we cannot hide
our own feelings
let them know the truth so try to let it
out from your head
so the others know speak
and be hurt just like this analogy
be remarkable like a blood stain on your
clothes
but remember be flexible like
water because everything can change
there’s a lot
there’s a lot of explanation about what
is home
because it’s such a complex concept
but for me an ideal home should be worn
it has to be one she’ll be a comfort
zone that is
laughing that lets you view
and that can make you grow
the hard truth is home is not your
family
or your partners or your friends or your
pets
or places
but home is yourself but you can always
make people feel at home
because you can control yourself
it is not your responsibility to make
people change
because no one can make people change
no one you are responsible
for your own self for your own happiness
have a beautiful journey of pool’s
golden age thank you