Holding Hope Through Conflict
Transcriber: Hendel Shimizu
Reviewer: Hani Eldalees
Have you ever had your whole world crash
around you because of conflict?
Perhaps it was
a workplace clash with a colleague
who’s bullying left you reeling.
Maybe you are part of a team
that imploded
with the fallout ruining relationships
and business outcomes.
These are the worst case scenarios,
but mostly in life,
we are dealing with the little
disputes and disagreements.
Even still, it seems
that more and more we are avoiding
the hard conversations.
Somewhere along the line, we have let
our fear drive us to avoid them.
We don’t want to go there
deal with them.
Instead, we put them off
until they explode.
As a conflict strategist, I spend my time
helping people deal with conflict.
But last year, like many during covid,
I found my world collapsing under me.
It was so painful.
There was this constant pull
to blame, to lash out, to fight.
But I knew that
I wasn’t going to help anything.
So why does this matter?
We all know that conflict
is financially expensive.
In UK, conflict estimated cost employers
nearly 28 billion pounds annually.
In the US, conflict is costing companies
359 billion dollars annually.
here in Australia,
workplace stress alone
is costing employees
10 billion dollars a year.
Now, that’s a lot of money
spent on conflict,
but there are many other ways it is
impacting us too.
Reputations, health, wellbeing,
relationships, creativity, innovation.
All of these things are
impacted by conflict.
Imagine what we could achieve if we had
the space and time to focus on delivery,
not just on troubleshooting
conflict problems.
And it’s not just people problems at work
we are struggling with.
Nearly everyday, I’m talking with people
who avoided the hard conversations
and then found themselves dealing
with devastating conflict.
Yet we still don’t want to have
the hard conversations.
Instead, what we are seeing more
and more is that
our differences divide us.
It isn’t safe to talk about differences.
They just turn into fights with each side,
trying to convince the other how
right their argument is.
But here is a surprising thing.
Many dispute resolution
professionals agree
a world of no conflict isn’t what we need,
what we need is to be able to
have constructive conflict.
And the only way that occurs is if we are
willing to have the hard conversations.
But it’s easier said than done.
When we are fearful of the
hard conversations
and natural inclination is to defend,
to fight back or avoid so our tactics in
focus either on winning or running,
inevitably the fight only grows because
we are not dealing with the problem.
In the heat of the hard
conversations when emotions are high.
It is so easy to react from pain or
anger to say something to hurt
the other person because we hurt.
We are in the depths of conflict.
We want to lash out and have often reached
a point of despair and hopelessness
Relationships break,
reputations are damaged,
business slows and legal expenses grow.
It creates factions, friction and fear.
In conflict and in hard conversations,
we seek blame,
but the truth is we each have a choice to
make about what drives our decisions
and actions. It’s okay to feel pain.
In fact, feeling those deep,
dark emotions is critical,
as I have there to help us understand
that there’s a problem.
But we can’t stay here.
I’m going to take
you back to where we started.
Remember that feeling of despair when you
found yourself in the depth of conflict,
when you didn’t know how you would
navigate through the storm?
It’s confusing. It’s painful,
and it can seem hopeless.
But you’re not alone and you
can find your way through.
Here’s what my own conflict taught
me about hard conversations.
That hope matters.
Not in the
way you might think, though.
Walking through this myself,
I discovered I was so busy waiting for
someone else to give me hope to fix
the problem, that I had relinquished
my own self responsibility.
I stopped leaning into real conversations
and instead focused on
the surface level distractions and blame,
I wanted others to fix it for me to
reassure me that everything was OK.
The hard truth I learned, was that
this was me not owning my power.
No one else is responsible
for my happiness but me.
This is really about our own mindset
and our mindset creates tone.
Whether it’s conflict in the family, in
the community or in the boardroom,
your mindset impacts how you respond
and it also impacts how others
engage with you.
Your mindset shapes the potential
for conflict and drives
what the end product
might look like.
I’m talking about creating a mindset
of hope, of possibilities,
learning to hold hope for yourself, myself
is what helps us look up and forward.
It requires a deep trust in our souls.
It requires a mindset of values
and aspirations to align.
Hope emerges from the ashes
or pain because we have
the courage to imagine something different
or better for ourselves.
I think that hope is cherished Feeling
isn’t about anybody else, but you
hope is also fragile.
It is a balancing of realities,
expectations and possibilities.
Hope is easily dashed when we haven’t
built our foundations.
And there is a shadow side
of hope, the false hope,
the type that sweeps others
up with false dreams,
it isn’t real and it isn’t lasting.
And deep down, I think we know this,
but we all look so busy looking for
somebody else to take responsibility
for us that we choose to
relinquish our power.
But we all need some hope right now,
not just any hope.
We need that gritty, rough and personal
hope, the hope that is grounded in soul.
So how do we find it in the depths
of their own despair?
We listen with our heart, with
our minds and with our soul.
It’s about stopping the reactions
and starting with ourselves.
We imagine and discover with clarity the
things that really matter to us,
the negotiables and the non-negotiable.
And we believe. We believe that
we deserve and are worth
a better, different future.
When we bring hope to the
hard conversations,
we are able to listen without fear.
When we bring hope to the
hard conversations,
we are able to hold difference
with curiosity.
When we bring hope to the
hard conversations,
we leave space for something
new to emerge.
Our world right now at work in
our communities and across
the globe needs more people willing
and able to talk about hard issues with
respect, with empathy and courage.
We all need to be able to have these hard
conversations in a way that empowers
and uplifts at differences while
still creating outcomes.
It is hope that allows us to lean in.
It is hope that helps us to balance our
high emotions with our need for solutions.
And no one else can
do that for us but ourselves.
So what is conflict taught me?
What did I learn to do when faced with
a deep despair of painful conflict?
I learnt about hope.
I found my own hope
and became a beacon for my own future.
I found my peace even in
the depth of conflict.