Three Months After by Cristin OKeefe Aptowicz

I’m Cristin O’Keefe Aptowicz and
this is “Three Months After.”

To want to disappear is
different from wanting to die.

To disappear and to not have
to explain to anyone, to talk to anyone.

To move to somewhere where
no one knows you,

where you don’t have to look
at a single laughing face.

To elope with this grief

who is not your enemy

This grief who maybe now is
your best friend.

This grief who is your husband,

the thing you curl into every night,
falling asleep in its arms.

Who wakes up early to make you
your cold thankless breakfast.

To go to that place where
every surface is a blade.

A sharp thing on which
to hang your sorry flesh

to feel something,

anything,

other than this.