Finding happiness is a human being not a human doing
twenty years ago
i’m sitting in a hospital in kuala
lumpur malaysia
in front of a doctor my palms are sweaty
my head feels heavy and the periphery of
my vision
is starting to blacken and close in on
me
the smell of antiseptic is pervasive and
sharp in my nose
i see the doctor staring at me with no
sign of a smile
he tells me that i may have cancer
and i had to wait 48 hours for
confirmation
during this two-day period of stress
and reflection i found myself asking the
question
how am i living my life what am i doing
and what am i being am i really a human
being
or just a human doing
this inspired me to change from human
doing
to a human being that means going
from ticking to do lists to living in a
different
way and i want to share with you what
this means
and how you can gain richness
satisfaction
and fulfillment from living this way
fortunately i didn’t have cancer but
that scare gave me the opportunity to
start to understand a problem
so during this talk i’ll share several
perspectives
and offer some solutions to finding a
happier life
through planning to be not to do
by understanding what is important to
you
and living your values and by living
experiences
the problem is living by doing living by
a to-do list
rather than a to-b list living by a
to-do list can actually be quite
satisfying
there’s a sense of accomplishment and
satisfaction in getting things done
but the essence is on the result which
is short-lived
not the process which is the majority of
the time spent
for most of my life during the first
week in january i would sit down to
review my annual to-do list
some things had ticks next to them some
did not
holiday in the u.s dick
buying a house in france no tick
promotion at work dick visit friends in
brussels
noting this lack of ticks everywhere
left me feeling
tense frustrated and annoyed
think back to when you last felt like
that
so why do we live as human doings
i see three main reasons society
pressure from friends and family and
from ourselves me start by the
challenges from society
and talk about the pains of living in a
rat race
society judges us by what we achieve
through doing
rather than being where productivity and
doing things are rewarded and prized
over being happy
in the workplace we seem to admire
people who work so hard
doing things and activities until they
almost burn out
we’re frequently measured by how much
we’ve achieved
rather than by who we are how do you
measure
your day by how busy you are
is it by the things you’ve done rather
than how you’ve lived and have your
friends
ever judged you on how much new stuff
you’ve acquired this month
think of some of the things that are
highly valued in society
be it taking a step on the career ladder
buying a bigger house a bigger car
the shiniest toy or to get married have
kids retirement
in all of these cases the focus and the
prize seems to be the result
not the process of getting there and
with an endless focus on materialism and
stuff
our minds are saturated with wanting new
things
this feels wrong let me give you an
example
i started a new job one of the perks was
a company car
later that week i was asked by
colleagues what kind of car i bought
when i told them i bought a small car
they burst out laughing
some people literally bent over
clutching their sides they told me
no alex you have to have a big car
to be a real man
in addition to the competitive pressures
of society
friends and family have expectations on
us we think that others will only be
proud when we’re busy
completing tasks and doing things our
parents often want us to be doctors
lawyers and other respectable
professions
what happened to living out what we
believe is inside us
the artist the creator the innovator the
musician
this pressure is coupled with a sense of
not being good enough or not being
worthy
it’s only when i reach this position in
my career when i get the dream life
partner
or this big house that i can make others
proud
so why do we listen to so much to
society
and to family and friends well the
problem is we haven’t actually listened
to ourselves enough
when we’re bombarded with messages about
what we need to buy
and what we should be doing it’s
actually pretty hard
to hear what’s going on inside of
ourselves
when was the last time that you stopped
and really listened
to what you’re feeling and what you need
for me personally it was this story i
was supposed to go to london to work for
a big consulting phone
but back in malaysia this moment of
shock of being faced with cancer
forced me to actually listen to myself
it wasn’t what i wanted it’s what
friends and peers
expected so imagine and reflect
on this terrifying mix of the demands
upon us
from wider society from family and
friends
and blend that with us being at a loss
of listening to ourselves
so what on earth can we do to change it
well first let’s live as human beings
rather than human doings
start by planning to be not to do
what do i mean by that well instead of
having a list of things to do during the
year
i created a list of seven things to be
quite simply it was an a4 paper with
seven values or things that were
important to me
or important in the in the way i wanted
to live
i sat down every two months and
reflected on how i lived the given value
for example creativity and identify all
the ways in which i
lived it it wasn’t the house in france i
wanted
it was the dreaming the creating the
sense of adventure
living out this creativity was picturing
sitting in the house
feeling the cool wood under my feet
the scent of charcoal wafting in from
the barbecue outside
the texture of the rough stone wall
beside me
the refreshing taste of a chilled glass
of wine
as the sun goes down after a long warm
day
when reflecting on this approach i was
left feeling satisfied and fulfilled
therefore the simple message is drop
your to-do list
and create a to-b list
the second solution is to discover
what’s important to you
and to try and live by these values
and to help uncover what’s important i
use a tree as a metaphor
the tree has three levels the roots the
trunk and the leaves
think of the roots as your foundation
values the things you need
to fulfill your basic needs
like the roots of the tree what’s
important is underneath
everything you do this might even be
hidden from you
it’s almost so obvious that you don’t
notice it
to illustrate this i’ll give you an
example of my roots or my foundation
values which is variety
variety for me means that i’m involved
in and engaged in lots of different
journeys i get quickly bored
with doing only one thing planning the
renovation of the heritage building from
the 1800s one minute
dipping into an ice bath the next
chatting to a fintech entrepreneur about
their plans and dreams one minute
planning a travel adventure the next
this energizes and captivates me
what about you is it peace
humor trust or joy
that you unconsciously seek these may
well be
your roots or your foundation values
the trunk is the second level and this
is what’s important to
allow you to thrive this relates to our
self-expression and what brings
enjoyment
what would other people friends family
and colleagues say about you
when you’re really thriving and happy
mine is creativity and i’m passionate
about food
i love the crunchy feel of grinding mold
and sea salt in my fingers
the acidity and oiliness of anchovies
the sight of peppers sizzling with
flames licking around the pan
and the smell of plucking fresh basil
from my window pot
what are the values that mean you’re
thriving
is it curiosity calmness courage
and what are the experiences that you
have that make you feel alive
and perform to the best of your
abilities
continuing with the tree metaphor the
leaves are the top the third level
what we call the greater good
the greater good means what stimulates
me beyond myself
in terms of society and people or the
planet and environment
as humans we are naturally selfish and
many of us are lucky enough to live in
societies where we can spend time on
self-realization
and not just survival once we move
beyond this
and start to give of ourselves we unlock
another level of happiness within us
what’s your contribution to the world
around you to make you feel connected
and contributing when did you last do
something
not needing to get something in return
perhaps like me you like to support the
development of others
whether it’s being there for a chat for
a friend in need
to coaching or mentoring to being a
sounding board for a busy executive
or to being a shoulder to cry on for a
lonely leader
of which there are many to participating
in a group or community
and supporting others to have witnessed
the growth of friends and colleagues
over time
and through the prism of their journeys
has been an absolute privilege
of yourself allows you to listen to
yourself and learn
in turn discovering yourself at a deeper
level
so dropping the to-do list was one
solution the second was revealing
what’s important to you through the
metaphor of the tree and its three
levels
well the third solution is to be present
what does it mean to be present well
simply put it’s being conscious of where
you are
what’s happening around you and what’s
happening within you
if i ask you right now are you breathing
everyone in the room will put up their
hands however if any of you have gone
through the experience of meditation of
breath work
of ice baths and learning to control how
you breathe
you may say no i’m not breathing
properly right now
i’ve seen this so many times in
professional and personal situations
until you’ve had an experiential
learning experience
you’ll simply answer that you’re
breathing and you will not be present
spending time on reflection discovering
ourselves
and working out what’s important is
highly underrated
and it’s the key to being present
the fourth solution to enjoying life as
a human being is to live
experiences living experiences is where
the real richness lies
and it’s not just in the end result of a
given dish
and that’s the beautiful thing about
experiences is that they’re all
living and being and it’s also much more
than just
a moment of the experience take the
online cooking courses i had recently
the week beforehand i was anticipating
dreaming and creating in my mind
and imagining the class i had flavors
ingredients
and interactions all playing out in my
head
already imagining stopping the onions
from burning steam
whirling up around me as the water boils
my colleagues jokes filling my ears
and all wrapped in a sense of
accomplishment as the dish comes
together
and that was just the before and the
during there was
also an after
going to bed that evening i was still
living the experience
i already had memories to share stories
of near disaster averted
the smiles of others to remember the
beauty of this
is that these memories can last a very
long time
so wrapping up i was lucky that events
20 years ago
had allowed me to understand the being
behind the doing
essentially looking back at living as a
human being
enabled me to be happy
we’ve explored how these three circles
of pressure from society
from family and friends and from not
listening to ourselves
causes us to live as human beings
however planning by being rather than
doing
discovering personal values with the
tree metaphor
being present and living experiences
all help us to make this transition
it enables us to focus on the richness
of the journey
rather than just the destination
this enriching and fulfilling journey
contrasts starkly
with the sharpness of the doing
[Music]
therefore i want to inspire you to live
not just as human doings
but as human beings the thing is that
these wonderful flavors
are already inside you you don’t need to
go out
and find something new it’s all there
so let’s finish by imagining a world
where we are all living
as human beings a world of humans
where we are connected to ourselves from
the inside out
and connected from the roots upwards and
contributing
to a thriving planet and society
thank you