Reconnecting with the Splits of My Identity through Love and Acceptance
when i was younger
my grandma used to do my braids three
two one three two one and again and
again
she used to say take care of her hair my
love it defines your beauty
i looked up in the mirror and saw a
pretty
beautiful woman in braids but i thought
it was in my reflection my perception of
myself
i don’t feel comfortable in my body
those tight braids felt heavy on my head
like intruders
my hair had become rough losses shine
hannah
split ends like the split ends of men
gender
at 10 years old i knew i was different
from infancy we have been told that we
have to fit into the boxes of different
identities religion caste
and the most important who a boy or girl
is
one of the first things that we do when
we meet someone new or past someone on
the street
is to choose as to which gender box they
fit into
let me ask you a question when did you
find out about your gender
a lot of us here might not even have
thought about it
given that we have been very confidently
told about our gender at birth
in the name of sex
when i was exploring my sexuality and my
gender
i realized that i couldn’t fit anywhere
i could i couldn’t fit into the gods and
norms of femininity
or masculinity i sometimes felt
as a woman sometimes as a man sometimes
as both and sometimes as
none
at the age of 16 i came out first
to myself about my identity and then to
the people around me
and that was when i got in terms of my
whole gender and sex war
and i realized that you don’t have to be
a man
or a woman just because your body say so
as the maldivea says one is not
born but rather becomes a woman
think about it well i was born
a female but didn’t become a woman
when i was born my parents were very
happily told
that i was female now that they told the
world that i was female
people behaved with me as they would do
with any woman
but later i realized that i couldn’t fit
in
i realized that i didn’t i felt like a
man sometimes felt
like a woman sometimes sometimes as both
and sometimes
as none of his gender fluid
while my sex was female my gender
was fluid and i realized something very
important
that gender is a spectrum and anybody
could fall anywhere
when i realized this this was a moment
of evolution
all of us have faced identity crisis
when we were growing up
life goes to a metamorphosis and we
question everything
ourselves and the world we get over this
stage once we have had our share of
experimentation got inspired by media
and found love and acceptance in
ourselves and the people whom we love
now imagine a situation imagine when
you’re different
and not normative you’re one in many but
it does not make you feel special
because that’s the time when you want to
fit in
in such a situation you confirm
you confirm just for the sake of being
accepted
and loved you shun your identity the
identity that makes you feel
loved and belonged
even if you accept yourself you don’t
really have the option to share it with
people
whom you love when i was growing up
i didn’t have any gay idol to look up to
and when i hit puberty things became
worse
i didn’t have any voice changeover or
grow any beard
i would use my dad’s shaving cream
to pretend that i had a beard and shave
it
i was always inclined towards whatever
the boys did
stereotypically i was called a tomboy
i didn’t like being called one because i
wanted to be
a real man and not a woman who was
incomplete
at the same time i felt rejected in
general
i didn’t conform to the ideal beauty
standards then
so i didn’t get my ten much attention
from guys
and as a child it mattered to me a lot
at this point of time i forced myself
into
exaggerated femininity and it made my
dysphoria
worse on the barrel
i was also exploring my sexuality
when for the first time i came to know
what a lesbian was
was through adult movies and that
changed my life
it introduced me to my identity which i
later accepted
but when for the first time i saw it i
felt disgusted
i felt disgusted about my own feelings
my peers were of the same age so i
couldn’t expect them to be accepting
they had the same perception
offend lonely and rejected just because
i was different i also
got into a relationship with the guy
but it made me feel all the more
suffocated
i realized that hiding my identity
was hindering my dreams i’ve always
dreamt big
i’ve dreamt to be the change
a new journey had started the journey
of acceptance and this journey
started with me getting a short haircut
i remember that the day when i left my
home for a haircut
my mom gave money into my hands and her
fingers held on to mine for a bit too
long
she said make the cut look decent
make sure is something that you can
carry every day
and don’t forget that you’re going to
none immediately after that so your
grandma is going to see it
i left my home feeling courageous as if
prepared to go on a battlefield
it was just a haircut i realized
that the society had made my hair such
an important part of my life
what made it so hard for them to let me
go some inches of it
like leaves of the trees our hairs grow
back
don’t they
for me that hair stylist was both
a butcher of my hair and the liberator
of my dysphoria
i sat on my favorite leather back chair
and closed my eyes i could smell the
fancy shampoos and conditioner
and hear the metallic snips of his
scissors
and feel his gentle fingers gently pivot
my head to get the best angle
after a few snips i heard a crunch
i felt something soft land over my
shoulder
my head felt light i opened my eyes
only about three inches of hair was
remaining in the front
it was a new me i knew me but still
myself
i couldn’t stop staring at my reflection
at my true self
till that day the the mirror never felt
as a true friend
never good enough to show me my true
self but not today
i could see the feminine little boy
taking form
in the mirror and i wondered where he
was for so long
when i went back into the car i suddenly
remembered
of my nani manani
was an ideal housewife who did her roles
only according to what her male
counterparts
approved of will she accept me would she
reject me or she still love me
i don’t know i reached my nanny’s house
and i rang the bell
i wore a cap i thought i could deceive
her into believing that i hadn’t cut my
hair
and not break her heart but now
i didn’t want compromises compromises
felt like lies so i removed it
my nani was coming towards the gate when
i called out chaiji miyagi
trying to make it sound like it usually
did
she opened the gate and i stepped in
her hands reached out to touch my hair
i could feel her slender fingers touch
my hair till the roots
i could see the physical expression in
her eyes wondering what i had done with
my long hair
[Music]
she said nothing nothing
and occupied herself for setting up the
lunge
we ate the lunch in silence
which was in turn eating me up
the silence was getting unbearable when
she
abruptly remarks india pakistan kamacho
today’s india pakistan’s match it was so
abrupt but i felt
a wave of relief sitting at that moment
on the cold marble floor looking up at
manani
i didn’t care how things would pan out
later in life
but i knew one thing for sure
the splits in my hair or the length of
my hair
wouldn’t and couldn’t snatch away the
love of the important people in my life
she looked at me sharply and immediately
added
don’t cut it from now on i jumped up ran
towards her and embraced her in my arms
i kept my head on her chest and said
okay
we’ll see those tight braids had
vanished though its
intruders had gone away
it was a true me and still so beautiful
metaphorically autumn had gone
winter had passed and the spring was
finally here
after this there was no going back
but coming about coming out to my
parents about my sexuality and about my
gender
needed immense courage and my psychology
teacher in my college
gave me that courage to be myself and
not fear
to be out on the same day i came out to
my parents
sitting in the silent room i said
mom dad i’m gay
sorry to disappoint you do you know what
they said
we are disappointed at you and us
that you couldn’t share the struggle
with us earlier
i’m very fortunate that my parents
care more about me being a good human
being
than me being gay
love conquers all do all of us not
believe in that
i started my journey alone
but soon i found someone who would be
with me in this journey to conquer it
all
my partner sanjana
no matter how much bullied or
threats we faced we tried
to stand strong and have a voice for the
community
i’ve been kicked out of a moving train
just because i stood up for a hijra
person
sanjina has been constantly asked
uncomfortable questions about her
sexuality
and about our relationship
people love stereotyping boxing
and discriminating when someone
tries to get out of ford’s normative
and when i say that we fit ourselves
into boxes
it’s really important to understand what
these boxes are
these boxes aren’t stringent sealed
boxes
these are boxes that give you a sense of
identity
sometimes it’s important for me it was
really important to find an identity box
for myself
but but for someone else it might not be
the only question and the difficulty
arises
is when people form their own opinions
and ideas about
who should fit into books
it takes away the whole essence and
meaning of having an identity
it is a safe space where you can be
yourself
not fear
all of us love a cloth or a fabric that
we won’t let go
what the society does is to take us
out of it forcefully because they feel
that it’s worn out
it does get difficult to understand the
whole lgbtqai plus community
and also gender binaries because of the
stringent
ideas that we have for so many years
but all you have to do is be decent
human beings
and respect differences
a beast matthew one of a very good
comedian
said you don’t have to get it you just
have to respect it all of us here
there would have been one moment in your
life where you would have stood
in front of the mirror and said this
could be better
this could be beautiful let me tell you
one thing
i’ve been there and i’ve seen that
differences exist
and each and every one of us and we need
to learn to cherish it
differences make us unique
and being unique is your superpower
someday you might even have to save the
world
from the superpower by being unique and
not
fear to be who you are
so let’s not fear to fit into different
identity boxes and then unite
my grandma has accepted me and my short
haircut
so now she makes sure that i feel
beautiful and complete in my body
she somehow still manages to do the
braids in my short hair
three two one three two one and again
and again thank you
you