How to embrace emotions at work The Way We Work a TED series
Transcriber: TED Translators admin
No matter how hard you might try,
you can’t just flip a switch
when you step into the office
and turn your emotions off.
Feeling feelings is part of being human.
[The Way We Work]
A pervasive myth exists
that emotions don’t belong at work,
and this often leads us
to mistakenly equate professionalism
with being stoic or even cold.
But research shows that in the moments
when our colleagues
drop their glossy
professional presentation,
we’re actually much more likely
to believe what they’re telling us.
We feel connected to the people around us.
We try harder, we perform better
and we’re just generally kinder.
So it’s about time that we learn
how to embrace emotion at work.
Now, that’s not to say
you should suddenly become
a feelings fire hose.
A line exists between sharing,
which builds trust,
and oversharing, which destroys it.
If you suddenly let your feelings
run wild at work
and give people far more information
than they bargained for,
you make everyone around you uncomfortable
and you also undermine yourself.
You’re more likely to be seen as weak
or lacking self awareness,
so, great to say you weren’t
feeling well last night –
you don’t need to go
into every lurid detail
about how you got reacquainted
with your half-digested dinner.
So there’s a wide spectrum
of emotional expression.
On one hand, you have under-emoters,
or people who have a hard time
talking about their feelings,
and on the other end are over-emoters,
those who constantly share everything
that’s going on inside,
and neither of these make
for a healthy workplace.
So what’s the balance
between these two extremes?
It’s something called
selective vulnerability.
Selective vulnerability is opening up
while still prioritizing stability
and psychological safety,
both for you and for your colleagues.
Luckily, anyone can learn
to be selectively
vulnerable, with practice.
Here are four ways to get started.
First, flag your feelings
without becoming emotionally leaky.
Bad moods are contagious,
and even if you’re not vocalizing
what you’re feeling,
chances are your body language
or your expressions
are a dead giveaway.
So if you are crossing your arms
or hammering on your keyboard,
your coworkers are going
to know you’re upset.
And if you don’t say anything,
they might start to think
it’s about them and get worried.
So if you are reacting
to a non-work-related event,
so traffic for example, just flag it.
You don’t need to go into detail.
You can say something as simple as
“I’m having a bad morning.
It has nothing to do with you.”
Now if it’s a work-related event
that’s causing you
to feel strong emotions,
that brings us to point number two.
Try to understand
the need behind your emotion,
and then address that need.
If you suddenly start to find
everyone around you irritating,
sit back and reflect on that.
And it might be that you’re irritable
because you’re anxious,
and you’re anxious because you’re worried
about hitting a looming deadline.
And in that case, you
can go back to your team
to address that need
and say something like,
“I want to make sure I get everything
done ahead of the deadline.
Can you help me put together
a realistic plan to do that?”
If you’re thinking of sharing,
try and put yourself in
the other person’s shoes.
So if what you’re about to say
would help you feel more supported
and better understand the situation,
then go ahead and share it.
But if it gives you any kind of pause,
you might want to leave it out.
And finally, read the room
and provide a path forward.
If everyone on your team
has been pulling long hours,
and you notice that one of your colleagues
seems particularly deflated or anxious,
you can acknowledge that
and show some empathy,
but then try to give
them something actionable
that they could hold on to.
And in this case,
you could suggest that
you go to your manager
and ask that your weekly meeting
be pushed back a day
so you both have more time to work.
You’re showing you’re invested
in their success,
but also that you care
about their well-being.
When we can be honest about what we feel,
and freely suggest ideas, make mistakes
and just not have to hide
every piece of who we are,
we’re much more likely
to stay at the company for a long time.
We’re also happier and more productive.
So take a moment to reflect
on the emotional expression
that you bring to work each day.
And if you are prone
to oversharing, try editing.
And if you’re a little bit more reserved,
look for moments when you can
open up to your colleagues
and be a bit vulnerable.
And chances are,
there will be a big difference
in how people respond to you.
And selective vulnerability
might just become
one of your most valuable tools.