The Highs and Lows of Moviemaking
Transcriber: Facundo Espinosa
Reviewer: Hani Eldalees
For the longest time, I always felt that
my purpose was to be an actress.
I don’t really know how it started
or exactly where it came from, but
I grew up with movies and TV shows
that made me think that it was truly my
destiny to become an actress.
Things from Harry Potter to Disney Channel
shows to movie franchises like
the Marvel Cinematic Universe
or The Hunger Games.
I always felt absolutely infatuated by
the idea of becoming some
sort of superstar,
but there was more to that as well,
of course.
Maybe it was the idea of
escaping into another person,
become a part of a new world,
leaving myself behind to just escape
into a whole different realm,
even if it was just for a fleeting moment.
Either way, I spent my entire life, every
single decision that I would make.
It was influenced by this idea
of achieving that purpose.
A couple of years ago, I
had the opportunity,
the life changing once in a lifetime
opportunity to be in a short film.
That film was called Backslaps, which
is Dutch for the pamphlets,
and it was about the Second World War.
I knew that by being in this film,
I would get to experience the full
range of what movie acting was.
Things from action scenes to
dialogue to romance to
the dramatic one takes everything
that a film was supposed to be.
I knew I was going to get to experience by
being in this film after I auditioned
and after I got in the role. I remember
the months leading up to that first day.
I spent it absolutely ecstatic,
absolutely euphoric.
I was so, so, so excited. I had spent
my entire life watching behind
the scenes video from all the
aforementioned movie franchises,
and I couldn’t wait to get to recreate
that. In my own experience.
The only issue was that I put so much
pressure on myself to achieve
the purpose of becoming an actress that
I was miserable the entire time that
I was shooting. It wasn’t
because I wasn’t happy,
it wasn’t because I didn’t feel grateful,
but it was because the entire
experience that I was there,
I wasn’t able to enjoy myself,
because every single time that the
camera would be in front of me
and every single time that I was talking
to another actor or even to the director,
I kept thinking to myself, how might this
experience get me somewhere else?
How good will my performance be?
How will I look like?
Will I be attractive or will
It be unattractive?
Will people like the performance?
Will I be convincing?
All these thoughts were
going on through my head.
I was so insecure about the way
that I was acting,
and the way I was performing,
that I thought no one would ever believe
how good I was at acting,
or that I was good at all.
The thing was, I was so focused on how
the film would look like and how
the end product would be that I was unable
to enjoy the actual experience.
And that’s because of one
word expectations.
You see, I was so caught up on
the expectation that this film
would make me a superstar.
This film would transport me
into the film industry,
that I would get recognised
by casting agents,
that the whole world would see me,
that I completely forgot to to enjoy the
experience and just be in the moment.
I remember one experience in particular.
We were filming in this weird warehouse.
It was abandoned and we’re
filming in the basement.
There had been a set built up that was
meant to look like a war bomb shelter.
There was lots of dust. There were all
these really cool period, accurate props.
And I remember the director came
up to me and said, OK, Alicia,
it’s not in the script. We need
you to have a panel to do it.
And I remember being caught so off guard
It wasn’t because I don’t think that I was
It wasn’t because I didn’t think
I would be able to do
a panic attack on screen
But it was because
I have no preparation,
and I kept thinking to myself:
am I convincing, am I convincing,
am I convincing?
Will people see this and think
that I’m good enough?
Will casting directors see this
and think that I’m good enough
Will future employers see this
and think that I’m good enough.
I wasn’t able to enjoy
any of the experience that I got.
So I was miserable.
So I took a step back
when we went into lockdown last year,
I took a really, really, long think,
and thought about
the experience as a whole
And I kind of began to visualize
using a diagram what had gone wrong.
You see, I’ve been presented with
an opportunity,
this once in a lifetime opportunity
But I was so focused
on what I might get from it,
whether it’d be some kind of
wealth or status, or material posessions,
or anything like that.
And I was so
focused on achieving there that
I forgot to actually enjoy the experience
and see how it might bring me friendships,
personal growth, life lessons,
experiences, and just actually
be in the moment.
Because, you see, I think the problem
is we see life as this big idea
and every single thing, every single
experience that we have,
it’s supposed to reach this great purpose.
We think that
every single experience in our life
is supposed to help us
achieve that purpose.
For me, it was acting,
but I actually believe that purpose just
comes from the experience itself.
You should be able to find pleasure
and joy and love it just being in
the present. It sounds so cliche and
it sounds so straightforward,
but at the end of the day, it shouldn’t.
Pleasure and love and enjoyment just
comes from the people you meet from
the time that you spend with your loved
ones, with the food that you taste,
with the conversations that you have
just being in the present.
And the wise words of Eleanor
Roosevelt today is a gift.
That’s why we call it the present.
So why are we constantly feeling like
every single thing that we do is just
a means to an end of something else?
Shouldn’t we just be able to enjoy
the actual experience instead of
wanting something from it?
It’s the same as when you
meet a new person.
You get into a new relationship,
you get accepted to the university
you always wanted to go to.
If you’re constantly focused on how that’s
going to achieve something else,
and how that’s going to be just
another name on your CV
or just another thing you can tell people,
are you actually ever going to enjoy
and are you actually ever going
to find your purpose?
Because at what point will you see
that purpose? At what point?
Well, I have considered myself an actress.
Couldn’t I technically
consider myself an actress now?
Or do I have to win
and Academy Award?
Do I have to be in five films?
The thing that I’m trying to say is that
you everybody in this room can find
their purpose, not by intertwining
it with a career goal
or intertwining it with maybe achieving
something material.
Purpose isn’t about achievements. Purpose
is about enjoyment. We’re here.
We’re lucky to be alive. We
have overcome so much,
and we should
just be able to experience the now,
and experience the beauty
in every single moment,
instead of always
thinking about the future.
Thank you.