How to connect with depressed friends Bill Bernat
The one conversation that uplifted me
more than any other in my life
was with a woman who told me
how, a few days earlier,
she drove her Jeep Wrangler
to the edge of the Grand Canyon
and sat there, revving the engine,
thinking about driving over.
Even though I had severe social anxiety,
in that conversation,
I was totally at ease.
(Laughter)
She told me what was going on in her life
in the days and months leading up,
what her thoughts were
at that exact moment,
why she wanted to die,
and why she didn’t do it.
We nodded and half-smiled,
and then it was my turn
to talk about my journey
to a dining table
in the hygienic community area
of the mental health wing
of a mountain-town hospital.
I took too many sleeping pills,
and after they treated me for that,
they were like, “Hey, we would love it
if you would be our guest
in the psych ward.”
(Laughter)
We joked that her suicide
would have made a way better postcard.
(Laughter)
We talked shop.
(Laughter)
She allowed me to be deeply depressed
and have a genuine connection
to another person, simultaneously.
For the first time,
I identified as somebody
living with depression,
and I felt good about it –
like I wasn’t a bad person for it.
Now imagine one of the people
at that table was a member of your family
or a close friend.
Would you be comfortable talking to them?
What if instead of the hospital,
they were at your kitchen table
and told you they were really depressed?
The World Health Organization
says that depression is the leading cause
of ill health and disability worldwide,
affecting 350 million people.
The National Institute of Mental Health
reports seven percent of Americans
experiencing depression in a year.
So depression is super common,
yet in my experience,
most folks don’t want
to talk to depressed people
unless we pretend to be happy.
A cheerful facade is appropriate
for casual interactions.
A depressed person can ask for extra syrup
in their pumpkin spice latte
without explaining that they need it
because they’re trapped
in the infinite darkness of their soul
and they’ve lost all hope of escape –
(Laughter)
again.
(Laughter)
Depression doesn’t diminish
a person’s desire
to connect with other people,
just their ability.
So in spite of what you might think,
talking to friends and family
living with depression
can be really easy and maybe even fun.
Not, like, Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga-
at-an-underground-party fun –
I’m talking about the kind of fun
where people enjoy
each other’s company effortlessly.
Nobody feels awkward,
and no one accuses the sad person
of ruining the holidays.
Why does this chasm even exist?
On the one side,
you have people living with depression
who may act in off-putting
or confusing ways
because they’re fighting
a war in their head
that nobody else can see.
On the other side,
the vast majority of people
look across the chasm
and shake their heads,
like, “Why you gotta be so depressed?”
You may recognize
a divide like this in your life.
Do you want to build a bridge across it?
You may not want to build a bridge –
and that’s a totally valid choice.
Or maybe you’d like to build
a stronger connection,
but you have a lot
of questions and concerns.
You’re what I might call “bridge curious.”
(Laughter)
Here are some possible reasons
why some of you
may avoid depressed people.
You might be afraid
that if you talk to somebody
while they’re depressed,
you’re suddenly responsible
for their well-being.
You’re not expected to be Dr. Phil.
Just be friendly –
more like Ellen.
(Laughter)
You may worry that you won’t
know what to say,
and every attempt
at conversation will be awkward,
and the only time you’ll feel comfortable
is when you both just give up on talking
and stare at your phones.
Words are not the most important
thing to focus on.
You might fear seeing your shadow.
Hey, if you have been
successfully outrunning
your personal emotional demons,
that’s awesome.
May the wind be at your back.
(Laughter)
You can be the least
woo-woo person in the world
and still connect with depressed people.
Maybe you’ve heard
that depression is contagious,
and you’re afraid of catching it.
Bring some hand sanitizer.
(Laughter)
You’re much more likely to catch
the joy of human bonding.
Maybe you see
depressed people differently.
You think of them as flawed or defective.
Multiple university studies have shown
that A students are more likely
to have bipolar condition.
Our brains aren’t broken or damaged,
they just work differently.
I spent a lot of years thinking
happy people just don’t get it.
(Laughter)
I did eventually stop
discriminating against happy people –
(Laughter)
I began battling depression
when I was eight,
and decades later, to my surprise,
I started winning.
I shifted from being miserable
much of the time
to enjoying life.
I live pretty well
with my bipolar condition,
and I’ve overcome some other
mental health conditions
like overeating, addiction
and social anxiety.
So I live on both sides of this chasm.
And I’m offering some guidance
based on my experience
to help you build a bridge across it
if you want to.
It’s not hard science,
but I worked with a lot people
I know who’ve lived with depression
to refine these suggestions.
First up, some things
you might want to avoid –
some “don’ts.”
One of the most off-putting
things you can say is,
“Just get over it.”
Great idea – love it,
it’s just we already thought of that.
(Laughter)
The absence of the ability
to just get over it is depression.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
We feel it in our bodies –
it’s a physical thing for us.
And medically it’s no different
from telling someone
with a broken ankle or cancer,
“just get over it.”
Don’t be hell-bent on fixing us.
Like, thank you, but …
the pressure can make us depressed people
feel like we’re disappointing you.
Also, things that make
some people feel better
may not work for us.
You can’t cure clinical depression
by getting ice cream …
which is unfortunate, because
that would be living the dream.
(Laughter)
Don’t take a negative response personally.
So, I have a friend who, about a year ago,
messaged me that he was really
isolated and depressed.
And I suggested some things for him to do,
and he was like, “No, no and no.”
And I got mad,
like, how dare he not embrace
my brilliant wisdom?
(Laughter)
And then I remembered
times I’ve been depressed,
and how I thought I was doomed
in all possible futures,
or everybody suddenly hated me,
and things like that.
It didn’t matter how many people
told me otherwise –
I didn’t believe them.
So I let my friend know I cared,
and I didn’t take it personally.
Don’t let a lack of bubbly
happiness freak you out.
It’s not a shark attack.
“Call the coast guard, my friend is sad!”
(Laughter)
We can be sad and OK at the same time.
I’m going to say that again,
because in our society,
we’re taught the opposite,
and so it’s counterintuitive.
People can be sad and OK at the same time.
So some of these things may apply
to you personally, some may not.
Take what’s useful.
And remember, you don’t have to connect.
If you want to,
here are some suggestions that may help –
some “dos.”
Talk to us in your natural voice, right?
(Laughter)
You don’t need to put on a sad voice
because we’re depressed –
you don’t sneeze when you’re talking
to somebody with a cold.
(Laughter)
It’s not rude to be upbeat.
You can be you, OK?
If you make an offer to be there for us,
clearly state what you can and can’t do.
I have told people,
“Hey, call or text any time,
but I might not be able
to get back to you that same day.”
It’s totally cool to not make an offer,
or to make a narrow offer
with really clear boundaries around it.
Give us a sense of control.
Like, get our consent.
I have a friend who, a while back,
when I was having a depressive episode,
reached out and said,
“Hey, I want to check in with you.
Can I call you every day?
Maybe text you every day
and call later in the week?
What works for you?”
By getting my permission,
she earned my complete confidence
and remains one of my best friends today.
And my last suggestion is:
interact about not depression,
aka, normal stuff.
I have a friend who,
when people were worried about him,
they would call and ask
if he wanted to go shopping
or help them clean out their garage.
Your depressed friends
could be a good source of free labor –
(Laughter)
What I’m really getting at is,
invite them to contribute
to your life in some way,
even if it’s as small
as asking you to go see a movie
that you wanted to see in the theater.
So that’s a lot
of dos and don’ts and maybes,
and it’s not by any means
a definitive list.
The thing to remember
is that they’re all grounded
in one guiding principle.
It’s what allowed the woman
in the Jeep Wrangler
to start me on the path to recovery
without even trying.
She talked to me like I belonged
and contributed exactly as I was
at that moment.
If you talk to a depressed person
as if their life is just as valuable,
intense and beautiful as yours,
then there’s no need
to build a bridge between you,
because you’ve closed the chasm.
Focus on that instead of your words,
and it may be the most uplifting
conversation of their life.
What could that do
for somebody you care about?
What could it do for you?
Thank you.
(Applause)