What Ive learned about parenting as a stayathome dad Glen Henry
Alright, I want to tell you how I got
my superpowers through fatherhood.
I was working a job I hated, OK?
And I don’t know if anyone here
ever worked a job they hated.
Has anyone here
ever worked a job they hated?
(Laughter)
OK, good, because I’m not alone
and I have something to confess;
I don’t want you guys to judge me.
This feels like a safe space,
is it a safe space?
Audience: Yes.
Glen Henry: OK, I was working
the job I hated,
my manager and I were not getting along.
I was sitting in my car,
looking in the rearview mirror,
trying to figure out
which friend I could call
to call in a bomb threat,
so I didn’t have to go
back in the building.
(Laughter)
OK, this was having
a lot of issues for me,
I was having a lot of issues at my job
and I’d come home every day from work
and my wife would ask me
the same question.
And when you hate your job,
this is the worst question
anyone could ask you.
She’d say, “Hey babe, how was your day?”
(Laughter)
And I’d say,
“Why you bringing up old stuff?”
(Laughter)
I just left it, I don’t want
to think about that place again.
See, we were spending about
40 percent of my income on childcare.
We had one child.
And we were pregnant
with our second child.
And we were trying to figure out
how we were going to fix this whole thing
of this money situation, and she said,
“Hey, babe, I’ve got a great idea.”
I said, “What’s up?”
She said, “I think you’d be
a great stay-at-home dad.”
(Laughter)
I was like, “Why would you say
something like that?”
(Laughter)
She said, “Because babies like you.”
(Laughter)
I was like, “No, they don’t.”
She was like, “No, they do like you.
And I think it would be great
for our children to see what love
looks like, coming from a father.”
I was like, OK.
(Laughter)
So, I had issues with this,
because I haven’t seen a lot
of stay-at-home dads before
and I thought men would judge me,
so get this, I said this –
please don’t be offended – I said,
“Uh, you know, that sounds boring.
And what do stay-at-home moms
do all day, anyway?”
Audience: Ooh!
She smiled at me a smile
only a woman full of knowledge can smile
(Laughter)
and said, “Well, this
should be easy for you.
And it will save us some money,
it seems like a no-brainer.”
(Laughter)
Fast-forward six months,
I’d been a stay-at-home dad
for about a week.
(Laughter)
I was standing in my bathroom,
looking into the mirror
(Laughter)
crying, tears –
(Laughter)
running all down my face.
(Laughter)
My one-and-a-half-year-old
was banging on the bathroom door –
because I locked them out, you know –
(Laughter)
crying, tears running down his face.
And my newborn was in the bassinet,
crying, tears running down his face.
I looked at myself
in the mirror, and I said …
“Which friend can you call
to call in a bomb threat?
We’ve got to get out of here.”
(Laughter)
See, I had traded my manager
for my children.
I didn’t know what I got myself into.
I thought I knew everything
about being a stay-at-home parent,
and in fact, I knew nothing at all.
Because even though my manager was –
well, at least my children
were a lot cuter than my manager,
they were just as demanding.
(Video) Child: Wipe my butt.
Papa, wipe my butt.
(Laughter)
Wipe my butt.
(Laughter)
GH: What had I gotten myself into?
I thought I knew everything
about being a stay-at-home parent –
in fact, I knew nothing.
I thought that all I had to do
was feed them,
change their diapers, and they’d be fine.
Like, I really thought that’s it.
“Sesame Street” on TV,
keep them distracted,
apple sauce in a bowl,
milk in a bottle, they’d be fine.
But if you leave children alone,
they’ll get into
just a little bit of mischief.
(Video) Child: Hi.
GH: Where is the powder?
Child: I don’t know.
GH: Well, where did you put it,
where did it –
Who did it?
Child 1: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it!
Child 1: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it!
(Laughter)
GH: You know what else I thought I knew
about being a stay-at-home parent?
I thought that all I had to do
was take them to the park once a week,
because if I took them to the park
once a week, they’d be fine.
In fact, I knew nothing at all.
OK.
If you take kids to park every day
then that means they get dirty every day.
If they got dirty every day,
they need baths every day,
if they got baths every day –
I just don’t think you understand, see,
having two kids under two,
you end up changing
over 20 dirty diapers a day, OK.
And if you give them a bath,
that’s just more nakedness.
(Laughter)
And a higher probability
of getting peed on,
and no one likes getting peed on,
even if it’s from a baby.
(Laughter)
But I read this article by Father Lee
which cites a survey done by two
detergent companies, Omo and Persil.
And they did this study and it said,
that at two hours a day,
prisoners get more
outside time than children.
That convicted me and so we went outside.
(Video) (Music)
(Laughter)
GH: See, I knew nothing
about being a stay-at-home parent,
and once I embraced the fact
that I knew nothing,
I began to learn from my new managers.
And I always was told
that as a stay-at-home parent,
you get no sleep.
Or as a parent in general,
you get no sleep.
But that’s not true,
because if you sleep when they do,
you actually can get some sleep.
(Laughter)
You know what else I thought
as a stay-at-home parent?
I though I knew that the best way
to teach kids right from wrong
was to discipline them,
because that would make sure
they understood right from wrong,
the pain, the fear –
that would teach them.
But the truth is, the best way to teach
my children right from wrong
is to teach them.
Take out a whiteboard and draw pictures
and make connections
that they can understand.
That was the best way.
A lot of these images you’re seeing
are coming from my YouTube channel,
“Beleaf in Fatherhood.”
I document the misadventures
of being a stay-at-home dad.
And it’s not perfect,
it’s just showing that I’m trying.
And I’m not trying to be an example
but just proof that it’s possible
for whoever else is doing this.
You know what I also knew
about being a stay-at-home parent?
I knew that children needed love,
but I just didn’t know
what love looked like.
(Video) (Music)
GH: It turns out putting
diapers on your head
and play-fighting
until the kids fall asleep
is a great way to love your kids.
So, I was learning a lot,
but it’s not all fun and boogers, is it?
(Laughter)
I asked a group of stay-at-home parents
what’s the hardest thing,
the thing they underestimated most
about being stay-at-home parents,
and they said that the loneliness
was one of those things.
Not having someone else to talk to,
feeling inadequate,
feeling selfish for wanting me-time.
And nursery rhymes suck.
(Laughter)
Like, really, “Mary Had a Little Lamb”
is cool the first couple of times,
but after all these years on repeat,
you wonder why Mary
just ain’t make herself a wool skirt
and have lamb chops,
you know what I’m saying?
(Laughter)
The one thing I underestimated most
was the emotional fatigue.
See, I was an artist,
so I’d write songs for other artists.
Because that’s how I made money from home.
But when you’re with your kids all day,
you become emotionally tired.
And that means all your creativity
comes from your emotions,
so you’re just tapped out, you’re done.
So you become done with time.
Nap time, time-tables, time-out,
time like to cook,
with all types of time, you’re just done.
You had no time for anything.
And some people are done with their spouse
as a stay-at-home parent.
Because the spouse just doesn’t get it.
I was talking to a friend
of mine, he said,
“Man, I come home from work,
drawers are open, clothes
hanging outside the drawers,
the kids are still in their pajamas …
And it can’t be that hard to have
dinner ready when I get home, right?”
(Laughter)
Start to freak out,
you know what I’m saying?
(Laughter)
He was trying to confide in me –
(Laughter)
I said, “You have no idea
what you’re talking about.”
(Laughter)
She wakes up every morning,
tired from the night before,
baby attached to her breast,
dropping this kid off at school,
and taking this one to the park.
Laundry piles up to the skies,
he has a conversation on the phone
for an hour with your mom
about God knows what,
takes the dog you wanted for a walk …
(Laughter)
And nobody died, bro.
She kept your kids alive
all day, that’s hard."
(Laughter)
I have become an advocate
for stay-at-home parents.
Why?
Because finally, I was
standing in their shoes.
Because when you’re standing
in someone else’s shoes,
you see the world
from a different perspective.
And when you start to take steps,
it feels like baby steps, wobbling.
But then they turn into stomps.
And you start making footprints
for the next generation to walk in.
See, we’re walking
on a certain path, as parents.
We’re all in this together.
No one can deny that family
is one of the biggest foundations
in anyone’s life.
And we’re all walking on this path,
and we’re pulling these thickets
out of the way, and these thorns,
making it easier for the ones
coming after us.
It turns out, parenting
has a lot more to do with landscaping.
And learning.
More than teaching.
And the best thing to do
is to show up for class.
Be present is what I learned
as a stay-at-home dad.
And let your presence be a gift.
(Video) Shh.
(Door unlocking)
Hi!
(Children giggling)
(Laughter)
GH: This was me, coming home
from tour one day.
I thought that the father
was supposed to pursue the child.
But it turns out the father
makes himself present.
And the children run after him.
And that right there is a superpower.
And that right there,
my friends, is everything.
Thank you.
(Applause)