Get Unstuck Lessons from my Infertility Journey
i was sitting on a room
with eight other women
and i’m trying really hard to smile
on the wall there are garlands and a big
sign that says congratulations
my friend annie was eight months
pregnant and when she talked about
having a baby shower
i immediately raised my hand to host it
and i went overboard in decorating my
home
she finally starts opening gifts and all
the other women
sit around her and start giving her tips
what’s the best feeding bottle to invest
in is it phillips
or tommy tippy where she should buy the
diapers
is it costco or target as i hear
every idea i’m simply nodding my head
and i’m trying even harder to smile
the suggestions keep coming and i sit
silently
i don’t have anything to offer i don’t
have a child
i have zero suggestions everyone else is
talking
but i am frozen and as they keep
speaking
i begin to feel like i’m slowly
disappearing from the scene
and now it’s physically painful to be
there
my heart is aching because everyone is
talking about the thing that i
desperately want
i wish i could just get up run to the
restroom
and cry out loudly but instead
i have to sit and try
really hard to smile
as soon as i got married everyone in the
family started asking the
questions indian family right when are
you going to have kids
what’s the delay when i got pregnant i
was so
excited but 10 weeks in i had a
miscarriage
i was devastated we tried again and
again and i had two more miscarriages
heartbroken we began to pursue fertility
treatments
first with medications that didn’t work
next
iui intrauterine insemination where the
procedure puts the sperm directly into
the uterus
we had three attempts all of which
failed
we then tried ivf in vitro fertilization
which is considered the golden standard
for fertility treatments
this is where i take medications to get
large quantity of eggs
and the eggs are retrieved mixed with
sperm in the lab
and when embryos are formed they are put
back into the uterus
on the day i was waiting for results i
was at work
and somehow missed the call with my
hands trembling
i called my voicemail eagerly
anticipating a
congratulations pradeepa but instead
all i heard was pradeepa i’m very sorry
i dropped my phone and started crying i
immediately picked my bag
and ran outside the work not wanting my
colleagues to see me crying
because nobody knew and i didn’t want
them to find out
we tried ivf again and again
every time it felt like climbing the
stairs of the 30th floor building
only to fall down face flat broken into
pieces
and picking the pieces sticking it back
together and climbing the stairs all
over again
one turned into two to three to four
to eight cycles it was exhausting
physically mentally emotionally
and spiritually all along i couldn’t
talk to anyone about it because nobody
knew
culturally it’s a very taboo subject and
there is so much stigma around it
when i would meet somebody new and when
they would ask me do you have any kids
i literally wanted to disappear it was
so painful
and shameful and for the whole time
i felt so stuck and so desperate to know
what i should be doing next
online i was frantically searching for
answers
is it drinking this tea is it taking the
supplement is it eating this type of
food
i even found a suggestion to eat fries
from a specific mcdonald’s restaurant
it was madness there is so much
conflicting information
i did not know which one i should listen
to
it’s like i was trying to see the road
ahead of me
while wearing vaseline smeared glasses
and however
hard i tried to clear them i still could
not see
i did not know what to do next
if you are in a position where you are
stuck
you know how helpless you feel it’s like
someone has the right advice
if you just look hard enough if you read
hard enough if you google hard enough
someone will give you the right advice
to solve your problems
if you are in a position where you feel
so
stuck and don’t know how to wipe the
vaseline off your glasses
i would like to show you what i did
from coming out on the other side and
now
10 years as a coach helping other people
get unstuck three simple
steps step number one
have an understanding of what your
emotions are
maybe you are in very touch with your
emotions
or maybe you’re sitting there and
thinking
this is stupid i’m not a touchy feely
person
i don’t have emotions if that’s you
what you’re feeling right now is
irritation
and that’s an emotion the truth is
in many societies we are taught not to
express negative emotions
we even have this phrase called ugly
crying crying isn’t ugly
it’s a beautiful emotion and everyone
has to express
it but we fear that when we express a
negative emotion
it might make others feel uncomfortable
or make us seem weak
so we pretend and say it’s all good
and that causes us suffering
when i was in the midst of infertility
my friend announced her pregnancy to me
and i was trying really really hard
to smile inside i know there is a lot
going on
but i did not know exactly what it was
and that made me feel
even worse so first
i have to learn to understand my
emotions
when working with clients who say they
are stuck
and don’t know what to do next my first
step is to always help them
understand what they are feeling
so think about something in your life
where you
feel stuck and now
look at this chart and see which of
these emotions you’re feeling right now
is it happy is it sad
is it angry or is it scared
now you thought about your emotions
around the area where you’re stuck
step number two is to be honest with
yourself
about what you’re really feeling
so when my friend announced her
pregnancy to me there was a part in me
that was so happy for her
and i also felt angry and sad
and jealous and that made me thinking
pratipa you can’t think those things
what kind of a monster are you
you’re not a good friend and i was
beating myself up
for thinking those things where i was
already feeling
terrible this made me feel even worse
and it made it even harder to understand
what i should be doing next it’s like my
vaseline smeared glasses
are now painted in black on top
so be honest with yourself about
what you’re really feeling and to
acknowledge
and accept that this is really hard for
you
so how do you do that maybe
after you leave here you’ll tell
somebody about it
you write about it you sing about it you
paint about it
you dance about it but let’s do
something
right here right now
i want to invite all of you to close
your eyes
or lower your head
and take a deep breath
and quietly in your head say this to
yourself
this is really hard for me
this is really hard for me
take a deep breath again and open your
eyes
now you understood your emotions and you
acknowledged
and accepted that this is really hard
for you step number three
is to give yourself permission to feel
it
in the moment with my friend i was
unable to do that
since then giving myself permission
to feel the feelings outwardly i may
look exactly the same
it gives me a sense of peace and most
importantly
helps me to understand what i should be
doing next
in working with clients and giving them
permission
to feel their feelings is incredibly
powerful and liberating
when they are stuck and don’t know what
to do next
they often tell me they are in this tiny
dark space
by doing this work they are often able
to let go of some of the things they are
holding
and experience the freedom that will
help them to understand
what they should be doing next
so let’s give yourself the permission
to feel it in few seconds
quietly in your head you’re going to say
these three things
i feel whatever you’re feeling
this is really hard for me
and that’s okay
i invite you to close your eyes or lower
your head
and take a deep breath again
and quietly in your head say this to
yourself
i feel whatever you’re feeling
this is really hard for me
and that’s okay
you have just given yourself permission
now open your eyes and sit with that
when i learned how to do these three
things
it was liberating instead of feeling
awful and dragged down my body felt
lighter
i was able to be present and when
someone shares the news that i have
conflicting feeling towards
i’m able to feel joy for them and other
feelings
by acknowledging and accepting and
sitting with those other feelings
often i’m able to let them go
and when it comes to seeing the road
ahead of me it’s like my vaseline
smeared glasses
got cleared by a small viper
even if the path is not simple or
beautiful
i can see it clearly and i can choose
which way to go
three years ago i was sitting on a plane
with my husband from dallas to mumbai
and my heart was racing and there were
butterflies in my stomach
i was thinking about our luggage on hold
and how
along with our own clothes we had some
chocolates
some new clothes for a three-year-old
and a yellow toy car
i hope that was the right thing to bring
i just don’t know
the next morning we were sitting on two
chairs
in a small office in the ashram
signing paperwork and talking to the
coordinator
and i was not even present i can’t wait
for what’s coming up next after
15 long minutes a young woman appears
holding hands with this beautiful little
boy
and i was thinking to myself wow
this is not a picture anymore this is
reality
and the adoption coordinator says to him
karthik
karthik this is your mom and dad
he looks up straight walk towards me
and sits on my lap
and the world stands still
i was crying and showering him with
kisses
and as i do my 16 years of
longing and pain melts away
i understood that everything that i have
gone through in my life
brought me there i did not know
what’s going to happen next but for the
first
time i did not care
finally my vaseline smeared glasses
have cleared
you