How to spot a liar Pamela Meyer
okay now I don’t want to alarm anybody
in this room but it’s just come to my
attention that the person to your right
is a liar
also the person to your left is a liar
also the person sitting in your very
seats is a liar we’re all liars what I’m
going to do today is I’m going to show
you what the research says about why
we’re all Liars how you can become a
live spotter and why you might want to
go the extra mile and go from lie
spotting to truth seeking and ultimately
to trust building now speaking of trust
ever since I wrote this book live
spotting no one wants to meet me in
person anymore no no no no no they say
it’s okay we’ll e-mail you I can’t even
get a coffee date at Starbucks my
husband’s like honey Deception maybe you
could’ve focused on cooking how about
French cooking so before we get started
what I’m going to do is I’m going to
clarify my goal for you which is not to
teach a game of gotcha live spotters
aren’t those in nitpicky kids those kids
in the back of the room that are
shouting gotcha gotcha your eyebrow
twitched you flared your nostril I
watched that TV show lie to me I know
you’re lying no lie spiders are armed
with scientific knowledge of how to spot
deception they use it to get to the
truth and they do what mature leaders do
every day they have difficult
conversations with difficult people
sometimes during very difficult times
and they start up that path by accepting
a core proposition and that proposition
is the following lying is a cooperative
act think about it a lie has no power
whatsoever bytes mere utterance its
power emerges when someone else agrees
to believe the lie so I know it may
sound like tough love but look if at
some point you got lied to
it’s because you agreed to get lied to
truth number one about line lines a
cooperative act now not all lies are
harmful
sometimes we’re willing participants in
deception for the sake of social dignity
maybe to keep a secret that should be
kept secret secret we say nice song
honey you don’t look fat in that no or
we say favorite of the digerati you know
I just fished that email out of my spam
folder I’m so sorry but there are times
when we are unwilling participants in
deception and that can have dramatic
cost for us last year saw 997 billion
dollars in corporate fraud alone in the
United States that’s an eyelash under a
trillion dollars that’s seven percent of
revenues deception can cost billions
think Enron mad off the mortgage crisis
or in the case of double agents and
traitors like Robert Hansen or Aldrich
Ames lies can betray our country they
can compromise our security they can
undermine democracy that can cause the
deaths of those the defenders deception
is actually serious business this conman
Henri Oberlander he was such an
effective con man British authorities
say he could have undermined the entire
banking system of the Western world and
you can’t find this guy on Google you
can’t find him anywhere he was
interviewed once and he said the
following he said look I’ve got one rule
and this was Henry’s rule he said look
everyone is willing to give you
something they’re ready to give you
something for whatever it is they’re
hungry for and that’s the crux of it if
you don’t want to be deceived you have
to know what is it that you’re hungry
for and we all kind of hate to admit it
you know we kind of wish we were better
husbands better wives smarter more
powerful taller richer the list goes on
lying is an attempt to bridge that gap
to connect our wishes and our fantasies
about who we wish we were how we wish we
could be with what we’re really like and
boy are we willing to fill in those gaps
in our lives with lies on a given day
studies show that you may be lied to
anywhere from 10 to 200 times now
granted many of those are white lies
but in another study it showed that
strangers lied three times within the
first 10 minutes of meeting each other
now when we first hear this data we
recoil we can’t believe how prevalent
lying is we’re essentially against lying
but if you look more closely the plot
actually thickens we lie more to
strangers than we lie to co-workers
extroverts lie more than introverts men
lie eight times more about themselves
and they do other people women lie more
to protect other people if you’re in an
average married couple you’re going to
live your spouse in one out of every ten
interactions now you may think that’s
bad if you’re unmarried that number
drops to three lying’s complex it’s
woven into the fabric of our daily and
our business lives we’re deeply
ambivalent about the truth we parse it
out on an as-needed basis sometimes for
very very good reasons and other times
just because we don’t understand the
gaps in our lives that’s truth number
two about lying we’re against lying but
we’re covertly for it it ways that our
society has sanctioned for centuries and
centuries and centuries it’s as old as
breathing it’s part of our culture it’s
part of our history think dante
shakespeare the bible news of the world
dying has evolutionary value to us as a
species researchers have long known that
the more intelligent the species that
larger the neocortex the more likely it
is to be deceptive now you might
remember cocoa does anybody here
remember Coco the gorilla who was taught
sign language Coco was taught to
communicate via sign language
here’s Coco with her kitten is her cute
little fluffy petkin Coco once blamed
her pet kitten for ripping a sink out of
the wall
where we’re hardwired to become leaders
of the pack it starts really really
early
how early well babies will fake a cry
pause wait to see who’s coming and then
go right back to crying one-year-olds
learn concealment two-year-olds Bluff
five-year-olds lie outright they
manipulate via flattery nine-year-olds
Masters of the cover-up by the time you
enter college you’re going to lie to
your mom and 1 out of every 5
interactions by the time we entered this
work world and we’re breadwinners we
enter a world that is just cluttered
with spam fake digital friends partisan
media ingenious identity thieves world
class Ponzi schemers a deception
epidemic in short what one author calls
a post truth society it’s been very
confusing for a long time now what do
you do well there steps we can take to
navigate our way through the morass
trained licensed were only 54 percent
accurate why is it so easy to learn well
they’re good liars and they’re bad liars
they’re no real original liars we all
make the same mistakes we all use the
same techniques so what I’m going to do
is I’m going to show you two patterns of
deception and then we’re going to look
at the hotspots and see if we can find
them ourselves we’re going to start with
speech I want you to listen to me I’m
going to say this again I did not have
sexual relations with that woman miss
Lewinsky
I never told anybody to lie not a single
time never these allegations are false
and I need to go back to work for the
American people thank you
okay
what were the tell-tale signs well first
we heard what’s known as a non
contracted denial studies show that
people who are over determined in their
denial will resort to formal rather than
informal language
we also heard distancing language that
woman we know that Liars will
unconsciously distance themselves from
their subject using language as their
tool now Phil Clinton said well they
tell you the truth or Richard Nixon’s
favorite in all candor he would have
been a dead giveaway for any live
spotter that knows the qualifying
language as it’s called qualifying
language like that further discredits
the subject now if he had repeated the
question in its entirety or if he had
peppered his account with a little too
much detail and we’re all really glad he
didn’t do that he would have further
discredited himself Freud had it right
Freud said look there’s much more to it
than speech no mortal can keep a secret
if his lips are silent he chatters with
his fingertips and we all do it no
matter how powerful you are we all
chatter with our fingertips I’m going to
show you Dominique strauss-kahn with
Obama who’s chattering with his
fingertips
now this brings us to our next pattern
which is body language with body
language here’s what you got to do you
really got to just throw your
assumptions out the door let the science
temper your knowledge a little bit
because we think Liars fidget all the
time well guess what they’re known to
freeze their upper bodies when they’re
lying
we think Liars won’t look in the eyes
well guess what they look you in the
eyes a little too much just to
compensate for that myth we think warmth
and smiles convey honesty sincerity but
a trained licensed pot a fake smile a
mile away can you all spot the fake
smile here you can consciously contract
the muscles in your cheeks
but the real smiles in the eyes the
crow’s feet of the eyes they cannot be
consciously contracted especially if you
overdid the Botox don’t overdo the Botox
nobody will think you’re honest and now
we’re going to look at the hot spots can
you tell what’s happening in a
conversation can you start to find the
hot spots to see the discrepancies
between someone’s words and someone’s
actions now I know it seems really
obvious but when you’re having a
conversation with someone that used
suspect of deception attitude is by far
the most overlooked but telling of
indicators an honest person is going to
be cooperative they’re going to show
they’re on your side they’re going to be
enthusiastic they’re going to be willing
and helpful in getting you to the truth
they’re going to be willing to
brainstorm named suspects provide
details they’re going to say hey maybe
it was those guys in payroll that forge
those checks they’re going to be
infuriated if they sense the wrongly
accused without the entire course of the
interview not just in flashes they’ll be
infuriated throughout the entire course
of the interview and if you ask someone
honest what should happen to ever did
forge those checks an honest person is
much more likely to recommend strict
rather than lenient punishment
now let’s say you’re having that exact
same conversation with someone deceptive
that person may be withdrawn look down
lower their voice
pause be kind of herky-jerky ask a
deceptive person to tell their story
they’re going to pepper it with way too
much detail in all kinds of irrelevant
places and then they’re going to tell
their story in strict chronological
order and what a trained interrogator
does is they come in and in very subtle
ways in over the course of several hours
they will ask that person to tell their
story backwards and then they’ll watch
them squirm and track which questions
produce the highest volume of deceptive
tells why do they do that well we all do
the same thing we rehearse our words but
we rarely rehearse our gestures we say
yes we shake our heads no we tell very
convincing stories we slightly shrug our
shoulders we commit terrible crimes and
we smile at the delight in getting away
with it
now that smile is known in the trade as
duping delight and we’re going to see
that in several videos moving forward
but we’re going to start for those of
you that don’t know him this is
presidential candidate John Edwards who
shocked America by fathering a child out
of wedlock
we’re going to see him talk about
getting a paternity test to see now if
you can spot him saying yes while
shaking his head no slightly shrugging
his shoulders lots of be happy to
participate in one I know that it’s not
possible that this child could be mine
because of the timing of events so I
know it’s not possible happy to take a
paternity test and would love to see it
are you going to do that soon is there
somebody that you can’t only one side
how can only one side of the test but
I’m happy to participate okay those
headshakes
are much easier to spot once you know to
look for them now they’re going to be
times when someone makes one expression
while masking another that just kind of
leaks through in a flash murderers are
known to leak sadness your new joint
venture partner might shake your hand
celebrate go out to dinner with you and
then leak an expression of anger and
we’re not all going to become facial
expression experts overnight here but
there’s one I can teach you that’s very
dangerous and it’s easy to learn
that’s the expression of contempt now
the anger you’ve got two people in an
even playing field it’s still somewhat
of a healthy relationship but when anger
turns to contempt you’ve been dismissed
it’s associated with moral superiority
and for that reasons it’s very very hard
to recover from here’s what it looks
like it’s marked by one lip corner
pulled up and in it’s the only a
symmetrical expression and in the
presence of contempt whether or not
deception follows and it doesn’t always
follow look the other way go the other
direction reconsider the deal say no
thank you I’m not coming up for just one
more nightcap thank you
science has surfaced many many more
indicators we know for example we know
Liars will shift their blink rate point
their feet towards an exit
they will take barrier objects and put
them between themselves and the person
that’s interviewing them they’ll alter
their vocal tone often making them
making their vocal tone much lower now
here’s the deal these behaviors are just
behaviors they’re not proof of deception
they’re red flags were human beings we
make deceptive flailing gestures all
over the place all day long they don’t
mean anything in and of themselves but
when you see clusters of them that’s
your signal
look listen probe ask some hard
questions get out of that very
comfortable mode of knowing walk into
curiosity mode ask more questions have a
little dignity treat the person you’re
talking to with rapport don’t try to be
like those folks on Law & Order and
those other TV shows that pummel their
subjects into submission don’t be too
aggressive it doesn’t work now we’ve
talked a little bit about how to talk to
someone who’s lying I’m gonna have a
spot a lie and as I promise we’re now
going to look at what the truth looks
like but I’m going to show you two
videos two mothers one is lying one is
telling the truth and these were
surfaced by researcher David Matsumoto
in California and I think they’re an
excellent example of what the truth
looks like this mother Diane Downes shot
her kids at close range drove him to the
hospital while they bled all over the
car claimed a scraggy haired stranger
did it and you
see when you see the video she can’t
even pretend to be an agonizing mother
what you want to look for here is an
incredible discrepancy between horrific
events that she describes and her very
very cool demeanor and if you look
closely you’ll see duping delight
throughout this video but at night when
I close my eyes I can see Kristi
reaching her hand out to me while I’m
driving and the blood just keep coming
out of her mouth and that maybe it’ll
fade too with time but I don’t think so
that haunts me the most
now I’m going to show you a video of an
actual grieving mother Erin Runyon
confronting her daughter’s murderer and
torture in court here you’re gonna see
no false emotion just the authentic
expression of a mother’s agony I wrote
the statement on the 3rd anniversary of
the night you took my baby and you heard
her
then you crushed her she terrified her
till her heart stopped
then she fought and I know she fought
you my nurse she looked at you with
those amazing brown eyes and you still
wanted to kill her and I don’t
understand it and I never will
ok there’s no doubting the veracity of
those emotions now the technology around
what the truth looks like is progressing
on the science of it we know for example
that we now have specialized eye
trackers infrared brain scans MRIs that
can decode the signals that our bodies
send out when we’re trying to be
deceptive and these technologies are
going to be marketed all of us as
panaceas for deceit and they will prove
incredibly useful someday but you got to
ask yourself in the meantime who do you
want on your side of the meeting someone
who’s trained in getting to the truth or
some guys going to drag a 400-pound
Elektra cephalo gram through the door
lye spotters rely on human tools they
know as someone once said characters who
you are in the dark and what’s kind of
interesting is that today we have so
little darkness our world is lit up 24
hours a day it’s transparent with blogs
and social networks broadcasting the
buzz of a whole new generation of people
that have made a choice to live their
lives in public it’s a much more noisy
world so one challenge we have is to
remember over sharing that’s not honesty
our matic tweeting and texting can blind
us to the fact that the subtleties of
human decency character integrity that’s
still it matters that’s always what’s
going to matter
so in this much noisier world it might
make sense for us to be just a little
bit more explicit about our moral code
when you combine the science of
recognizing deception with the art of
looking listening you exempt yourself
from collaborating in a lie you start up
that path of being just a little bit
more explicit because you signal to
everyone around you you say hey my world
our world it’s going to be an honest one
my world is going to be one where truth
is strengthened and false it is
recognized and marginalized and when you
do that the ground around you starts to
shift just a little bit and that’s the
truth
you