Building a Better Life with Boundaries
hello i’m christine bella
intimacy architect i help people to
build a life they love with better
boundaries
boundaries is a word we hear a lot
thrown around these days especially in
the wake of things like the metoo and
time’s up movement
so what does it mean when we talk about
boundaries
well boundaries are the way in which we
set guidelines for how we want to be
treated and how we
interact with others this is why
boundaries are
tricky because we often don’t know that
our boundaries have been violated
until after it’s happened
so how do we navigate this
this happened to me recently when i was
out to lunch with someone they pulled
out their phone and
showed me this really gross picture and
in that moment i realized well
i have a couple of new boundaries one no
phones out during meal time
and two i definitely want to be asked
before i’m shown a picture
so how do we go about beginning to set
better boundaries
well we can learn to catch catch is an
acronym that i came up with while i was
juggling two jobs one was working with
children on the autism spectrum
and the other was working with newly
divorced adults
trying to navigate the dating world
and surprisingly they both had something
in common
they were both trying to figure out how
to understand
and communicate their boundaries
and this is where it hit me quite
literally one day when a child threw
something at me
and i realized it’s really important to
check
in to see if someone wants to play with
us before we
start the game and life is a game after
all
so before we dive deeper into catch i
invite you to take a deep breath
to close your eyes and think about a
time in your life when you
said yes to something you didn’t really
want to do
do you remember how it felt when that
question came
did you want to cringe and did you feel
just yourself getting small
maybe that gut feeling inside going oh
no but despite all of those sirens going
off
you just went along with it you said
something like okay
sure whatever i guess and then regretted
it afterwards
what would it look like if you didn’t
feel bad about
saying no this is a question i’ve asked
hundreds of people
everyone from eight to eighty and pretty
much every situation
they say the same thing they don’t know
because boundaries are not something
we’re taught to think about until now
essentially we’re taught to not talk
about our boundaries because it might
inconvenience others but i’m here to
debunk this idea
it is not selfish for you to put
yourself
and your boundaries before somebody else
it’s actually an act of love now i
wasn’t born with this information in
fact quite to the contrary my family has
pretty sucky boundaries
they made me hug people i didn’t want to
hug when i was a kid
they are notorious for over sharing
and giving unsolicited advice
my family has this idea that children
should be seen and not heard
and when you think your voice is not
important it really
robs you of this unique expression and
worst of all it makes you feel like your
boundaries don’t matter
and this is not to say a judgment or
point fingers
you know this is just about really
observing ourselves and
figuring out what this is all about so
in this observation we can start to
create a new way to approach
relationships with ourselves and each
other as maya angelou said
we do the best we can with what we know
and when we know better
we do better so here are our top flat
here are my top five boundary blunders
that we can do better on
one is unsolicited advice two
is getting physical three
is unclear communication four
is people pleasing and five is over
sharing
i’m guessing at some point or another
we’ve all done one of these
i know i certainly have and at the time
i didn’t really see what the big deal
was
giving somebody advice or patting
someone on the back
we often don’t think of these everyday
experiences as being
based in boundaries but they are these
are the small
ways that we are either building love
and trust
in our lives or we’re creating barriers
out of fear that drive wedges between us
i have to tell you that since i’ve been
more aware of my boundaries
i have more time and energy to do the
things i love because
i only say yes if i mean it
i have healthy relationships with the
people in my life and i have more
respect for myself
boundaries have made my life better and
i know they can do the same for you
so let’s get ready to catch catch works
just like playing a real game it reminds
us to pause
and think about what’s being thrown at
us or what we’re tossing in somebody
else’s direction
this way we can really get clear and we
can focus on how to navigate
what we’re receiving or what we’re
giving whether it’s words or physical
the same rules apply we model it we try
it and before you know it
everyone’s playing along so we’ll start
with c
c is for connection how do you connect
to yourself
first it is the first relationship you
have
the most important one it’s the one with
you
if you are connected to yourself and by
commit connected i mean
really here to feel and know what you’re
experiencing
to be clear on what you need then you’re
really likely to say
yes only to the things that you truly
want to do
when we are disconnected we tend to over
extend ourselves and
we get exhausted and resentful
those are the moments when we we don’t
want to be mean or selfish but
we end up feeling terrible because we
gave away more than we had
let’s face it if you’re tired or hungry
you really lose the ability to make good
choices
so we have to remember to prioritize our
connection to
ourselves just like they say on the
plane you
put your mask on first before you help
anyone else
so how are you showing up to help you
i like to prioritize myself every day
with a few minutes of meditation or
maybe walking my dog just some time for
me
so i encourage you to take care of
yourself first
take the time to make that number one
connection to
you it is the most important
relationship you have
then we want to take note we want to
notice those moments when something
feels good or off so we can really be
clear in the future about expressing
what is or isn’t working for us
now we come to a a is for association or
if you want to think of it as like the
relationship status are you
acquaintances
allies adversaries how are you
connecting to the people around you
are you the boss is this your bestie are
you keeping it casual or were you hoping
someone was going to put a ring on it
for you
these are the things we want to think
about how are we in relationship
how can we get clear on that
relationship
i know so many people get caught off
guard because they were
dating someone and they thought it was
really exclusive but it
turns out it wasn’t because they never
really had that conversation
they weren’t clear and they found out
the other person didn’t feel the same
way
it’s important to be honest about what
you want from a relationship
whether it’s a working relationship a
friendship a romantic connection
it is equally important to be clear on
what you are able to give
how much time do you have how much do
you have to contribute
where do you draw the line on the time
or the energy you want to share
t is for talking my grandma always says
it’s not
what you say is how you say it and i’ll
add to that that it’s also
making sure someone is ready to hear it
consent and boundaries go together like
hand in glove they really complete and
complement each other
so consent in a conversation may seem
obvious when it comes to something big
about
sex but what about little things what
about
even getting consent to have a
conversation
now i know it might seem strange this
idea of
asking someone if you can talk to them
but think about it
how many times have you or your partner
come in and just started talking
and downloading things and the next
thing you know you realize that that
person wasn’t really
listening or you get ready to go to bed
and your partner suddenly wants to have
this big
dramatic conversation and you’re just
not really in a space to be there for
that
if you want to communicate clearly have
consent
to have the conversation this is a great
way to ensure
everyone is heard and ready to listen
when i need to talk to somebody about
something challenging like my boundaries
being crossed
i sandwich sandwiching provides this
buffer of feedback and this
acknowledgement before i ask for a
behavior modification
the first piece is gratitude reflecting
on what is working
and then i find they’re more likely to
tune in
and not feel attacked they’re ready to
receive what i have to say
and the second part is getting to that
request to make the suggestion
or ask for what it is i need and i
follow it up
with expression of appreciation of how
important it is and how much i
understand
that these vulnerable talks can be
challenging and
offer them an opportunity to tell me how
they’re feeling
as awkward as you think it might be to
have these conversations
it is always way worse if things go
unsaid
so get consent for the type of
conversations you want to have
now let’s talk about one of the hardest
words to say when it comes to boundaries
no i am a cheerleader for no
i encourage you to say no and to see no
as an opportunity it is a redirection
not a rejection no is a chance to pass
on purpose when i say no it gives
someone
else a chance to show up it gives
someone else a chance to show
their purpose i have no regrets
about saying no but i’ve definitely had
regrets about
not saying no no is an exercise in trust
that strengthens our authenticity and
here’s the biggest game changer i
learned about saying no
is to say thank you when someone says no
i have gratitude when people say no
because i can trust them
i know they are being honest and taking
care of themselves
nothing feels worse than when someone
who has said
yes to something they didn’t really want
to do
it’s like as if i was stealing from
someone only
i didn’t know it because they were
giving away what they didn’t have
most importantly no is a complete
sentence
and anything less than your authentic
enthusiastic yes is a no so that means
maybe is a no if you’re maybe
sit with it breathe into it ask more
questions give yourself some time to
really be clear
practice letting no be the default
the best thing about no is it leads you
to moments and people
that are a yes and that makes for epic
adventures
the second c is for
checking in when we want to check in
along the way
because consent and boundaries is an
ongoing conversation
checking in is important you want to
check in with yourself
you want to check in with the people
around you did you change your mind
maybe somebody else did maybe something
came up
we all need to feel heard and feel safer
in our situations
if we can check in now and then to see
how we’re doing to see how other people
are doing
especially in moments when we tend to go
on autopilot
because it’s then when we sometimes
forget
and we just need to remember that we all
have permission to change our minds even
in the middle of something
there can always be some new
circumstance that comes up
so knowing that your boundaries can be
drawn in pencil
and you have the permission to take them
back at any
time checking in helps us to be clear on
what is working h
h is another one that kind of came to me
both from working with kids on the
spectrum
and dating adults they kind of had the
same complaint
people were always trying to touch them
without
them wanting to whether it was just
something friendly like a handshake or a
hug
so think about the intention behind your
action
think about what it is you’re looking
for do you feel like you’re just doing
it because you’re supposed to
are you trying to get closer to someone
do you feel like that only way to feel
affection or attention is through touch
what is it that you really need
and is this the appropriate time or
place for that
the intention or energy behind our
actions
matters i’ve been talking about this for
years but it seems more important now
than ever that we
begin our interactions with one another
without touch
so let’s say h stands for head nod
it’s a good way to start interactions to
acknowledge one another
with a head nod and then we can ask
we can invite and get clarity on what
kind of touch
is welcome since we’re talking about
touch it’s
time to talk about sex because we’re all
here as a result of sex
so empowering people to talk about sex
really equips them to have safer sexual
experiences
what if instead of having these awkward
conversations talking about sex and
consent could be
foreplay talking about sex doesn’t have
to ruin the mood it can be fun
and flirty so let’s get real for a
moment
if you’re too embarrassed to talk about
it i mean
are you really ready to do it when it
comes to intimacy
talk about what you like get clear and
specific
define things because we all have a
different view on what
things mean discussions and
full disclosure are your friends and
safer sex is not just about condoms it’s
a safer space
emotionally mentally physically
energetically
it’s really knowing your needs and the
comfort level of
what you’re what is working for you
whether that’s touch or talking
so starting with a head nod and inviting
touch from there
healthy boundaries are what set us up
for success
the ability to say yes and know when we
mean it
and not feel bad about it so let’s recap
c is for connection take care of
yourself first
a is association what’s your
relationship status
t is for talking be sure to get consent
to communicate
and the second c is checking in what’s
new
how are things going and finally our
h for the head nod heading us in
to how we’re gonna connect
thank you so much for being here i hope
you feel empowered
and understand what your boundaries are
to take the time to know
more about your boundaries the more you
know about your boundaries the easier
they are to talk about and the more we
talk about our boundaries
the better our relationships can be with
others
i’m christian bella intimacy architect
and you
just caught on to catch