Change is Your Proof of Life
[Music]
[Applause]
so
[Applause]
[Music]
i remember every single detail
of my life changing the hot somali sun
blinding me as i climb into the back
seat of the land cruiser
my lunch of goat and rice and how i turn
my nose up to it
not knowing it would be my last real
meal for months
i can feel the soft fabric of my head
scarf
i can smell the sweat of the security
guard sitting next to me
the very same man who in a few moments
will hand me over to a group of somali
pirates
in exchange for one hundred thousand
dollars
for me as a humanitarian aid worker
traveling through villages in somalia is
just another day at work
after finishing my staff training for
this field mission we climb into the
vehicle we head back to the guest house
i do normal things like send a few work
emails and
i wonder what i’m going to have for
dinner
and then everything changes
mud splashes up all over my windows and
my windshield and as i sit there
wondering what kind of jerk drives like
that
the crack of the butt of an ak-47 on the
car hood
an angry man dressed in a police uniform
pools open my door
puts a gun to my head and screams at the
driver to drive
i don’t know who he is i don’t know what
he wants i don’t know where he is taking
me
i don’t know what is happening
and as my head slams against the window
and i’m tossed like a rag doll into the
back
i realize i do know one thing
and that’s that no matter how this thing
pans out
my life will never be the same again
because whatever this is is bad
it is so bad that i have nothing to
compare it to
what follows can only be described as
impossible because i
am a hostage
it is blazing hot in the desert during
the day and freezing cold at night
forced to sit under trees and bushes all
day and sleep out in the open
i am constantly afraid i am going to be
raped
i am constantly afraid i’m going to be
sold i am surrounded by 20 to 30 armed
men at all times
everything i know about life has changed
i am no longer
jessica buchanan humanitarian teacher
wife daughter human
i’m simply a commodity an american
dollar sign that needs to be kept just
alive enough so that i can be cashed in
and as my new reality unfolds before me
i realize i have a job to do
and that job is simply to survive
survival means different things to
different people
but what i’ve come to realize is that
regardless of the context
it is very human to be able to figure
out how to survive
change when it has been thrust upon us
the first thing i learned is that change
is the author
of our stories because if you think
about it
no great story has ever come about
without significant change
now sometimes we choose that change
through our sheer will and determination
forcing it to happen
other times that change chooses us
and waits to see what we will do
in some of the darkest moments of my
captivity i would say to myself
this is just a chapter in the story of
your life
you’ll get through this and then you can
move on
but what i understand now in the
aftermath is that change doesn’t want to
just write a chapter it wants to write
the entire
book but
how that story is told is entirely up to
you
because change doesn’t get to have the
final say
it doesn’t ask your permission it
certainly requires a response
according to studies conducted by
researchers at better up
we are six times six times
more likely to demonstrate strong
resilience
if we can identify our own autonomy
and choice in the middle of our
change it took me
40 days in my captivity
to realize i was actually being
presented with some interesting choices
i realized i had three things that i was
probably never going to have again in my
life
i had time god knows how much time i had
i had solitude the desert is a
beautifully quiet place
and well i’m a hostage so i had nothing
to do
so i made a choice i decided
people quit their jobs and travel
halfway around the world to go out and
find themselves and maybe
maybe this was my chance and i could
even sit here and do it for free if i
didn’t take into account that
45 million ransom demand on my head
so i got busy and i made a work plan for
myself
and i decided that i was going to take
my life
in increments my entire 32 years and i
was going to divide it up and i was
going to remember
every single thing i could remember that
had ever happened to me in that 32 years
so for example one of my first memories
is when i was
four years old and my mother took me to
the movie theater for the first time
we went to go see snow white in the
seven dwarfs it was a hot
july night in southern indiana i could
remember how sun-tanned her arms were
and the little freckles
i could feel the texture of the popcorn
in my mouth and i could taste the
sweetness
of the soda that we were sharing i could
even picture
the shape of her teeth when she laughed
and one by one the memories of
the most beautiful life played before me
like the scenes
in that movie and i was able in the
middle of all of that bad to find some
good
i was able to let go of some hurts and
very
grudges i was able to ask for
forgiveness
and i was able to forgive
and when i had remembered everything i
could possibly remember i began to plan
and dream now i had no idea if i was
going to survive
to see those dreams but it gave me a
goal it gave me something to work
toward and more than anything
it gave me a place in the middle of all
of that chaos where i
alone was in charge
change is our proof of life
now i don’t expect everybody to
understand exactly what that phrase
means maybe you’ve heard it in a movie
maybe you’ve read it in a book the
reality is
there are very few people who actually
live through
giving their proof of life now
a proof of life video is when your
captors
prop you up in front of a video camera
and they command you to ask the
government or your families for more
money
maybe they want someone else or
something else in exchange and then
what they’ll do is distribute the video
to all of the news outlets
so everybody can watch you plead for
your life
the point of a proof of life video is
just that to prove that you are indeed
still alive
so that negotiations can move forward
this is my proof of life video
i’m saying my name is jessica i am safe
i am alive i’m being treated well
we want to implore the american military
not to attack
and our families need to do more as well
as the government financially
because things are not moving in the
right direction
on the night that i was kidnapped
we were driven for hours out into the
desert
we would drive we would stop we would
change personnel we would drive
we would stop and change vehicles and
after driving for half the night
we were forced out of the car
in order to walk out into the desert
i am surrounded by dozens of armed men
i believe that i am walking out to my
own execution
it is the single most terrifying moment
of my life
and it’s almost like i’m having an out
of body
as i walk and i trip and i fall and i
pick myself back up
i can remember at one point feeling
blood trickled down the front of my leg
and it was sticky and it was warm and it
would gather
in between my toes
and i remember thinking yes
this is good because this pain
i can still feel it it hurts and it
means that i
am still alive
because when things aren’t changing we
are no longer living
we can look to the past we can look to
nature we can look to
everything that is happening in the
world right now and know that that is a
fundamental truth
and then when you are in the middle of
surviving something that you never
thought you
would possibly survive
inevitably something is going to change
again
it’s day 93
and i am still living in the desert
and i am sick
i have a urinary tract infection that
has moved into a kidney infection
i’m in some of the most intense pain
i’ve ever experienced in my life i can
no longer stand upright
i’m hallucinating for fever i am asking
for medicine for a doctor i need an iv
i need to be moved out of the desert
into a hospital
it’s no use
i move my mat out into the middle of the
field like i’ve done all the other 92
nights before
and i fall into a restless sleep
i’m awoken a few hours later by a
wrestling in the tall grass that i am
sleeping in
not 30 seconds goes by and the night
just erupts into automatic gunfire
and all i can think to myself is no
no more changes
because in my mind i think i’m being
kidnapped by another group
possibly al-shabaab islamic extremists
and if that’s the case there is no hope
for my survival
i’m hearing some of the most horrific
sounds all around me
men are breathing their last breaths
i try to make myself as small as i
possibly can and just disappear into the
ground
suddenly i feel hands on my arms and on
my legs and i
try to fight back
and then i hear the voice
of a young american
man
and he knows my name
jessica
jessica it’s okay
we’re the american military you’re safe
now
we’re gonna take you home
and in my shock all i can say over and
over again is you’re american
you’re american
he says we’ve been watching you for 93
days
we know how sick you’ve been
he hands me a bottle of water and some
medicine
one of them picks me up and carries me
to a place of safety
and one by one dozens of soldiers
make a shield to protect me
tears stream down my face
as the message is relayed to me that by
order of president obama
the country’s most elite seal team six
have been sent out to rescue
a schoolteacher from ohio
and because of honor
president obama picked up the phone that
night
and made a phone call to my father
to let him know that his girl was safe
she was alive
she was coming home
surviving change
is to understand that nothing
nothing lasts forever
not the good not the bad
things take the time they need to take
no more no less
took me 93 days in the desert
to trust that
change is the author of my story
leading me to my life’s purpose
because i get to have the final say
and change was
and always will be proof
that i am very much
still alive
you