Easy ways to practice empathy in your own life
[Music]
so
fun fact about me i do empathy for a
living
i know i know of all the possible career
choices
why this right my asian parents be like
if you were going to do something
theoretical do astrophysics you know
but in the past four years of doing this
work i’ve learned that empathy
while intangible isn’t actually
theoretical
in fact my team and i are dedicated to
making empathy
as tangible practical and actionable as
possible
and here’s why how many of you have ever
had a bad day
all of us right it’s human we all have
bad days
so imagine you’re having a bad day and
you bump into two friends
the first friend takes one look at you
and says
e why the long face
how do you think that makes you feel the
second friend
pulls you aside and says hey
you don’t look okay wanna talk
the difference between these two friends
is not good friend or bad friend
it’s empathy empathy is defined as the
ability to
feel and relate to another human being
at tribals we describe it
as the capacity to see parts of yourself
in everybody else
in this scenario your second friend saw
that you were having a bad day
because she like any other human being
has had bad days too and chose to treat
you
the way she would have wanted to be
treated that’s empathy
empathy may come naturally to us but it
gets lost in translation sometimes
especially in conversations what do i
say
can i ask this question is it too
personal is this topic
even on the table these questions are
things we grapple with
every day at tribals because
conversations
are the medium we use to teach people
empathy
growing up i’ve always craved for deeper
conversations
you know the kind where you’re sitting
on a campfire and the night
stretches out before you magical and
endless
i never realized how important those
conversations were
for my mental health until four years
ago
when my life hit rock bottom
the year was 2016. i was living in san
francisco
my dream city attending my dream
university
everything was perfect except for the
fact that i was dead broke burnt out and
borderline depressed i was so miserable
there
that eventually i had to make a decision
no asian kid should ever have to make
i dropped out of university i
thought that coming home to malaysia
would make me feel better
but every conversation i had just served
to make my mental health worse
hey why you come home ah what you doing
now
have you ever considered signing up for
my financial freedom programmer
there was no one and nowhere i could be
myself
until i hosted a dinner party tribalist
dinners
were dinner parties with one rule no
small talk
and somehow it worked by setting up the
space and managing expectations
we were able to achieve a level of
intimacy i had previously thought was
impossible with strangers
it was at this dinner party that i found
the courage to open up about my mental
health
for the first time and to my surprise
everyone else just listened they
didn’t jump to conclusions or cut me off
they were genuinely curious about my
experience
and through that process of listening
and sharing i learned
to understand and accept myself
i didn’t know it then but what i
received that night was empathy
and i was absolutely mesmerized
the more dinner parties i hosted the
more i noticed a pattern
how is it that we were able to create a
safe space for people to open up and
share
no matter how diverse the group so a few
friends and i put our heads together
and turned our group conversation format
into something a little
bit more tangible we called it the
empathy box
the empathy box is a fun simple
structured way
for a group of people to have an
empathetic conversation
there are several components to it but
the one i want to share with you today
is the response cards we believe that
responding
is a skill and arguably the most
important part of building empathy
remember that scenario with our two
friends their response to our bad day
was indicative of their level of empathy
this is true for our day-to-day
conversations too
so to guide our conversations we came up
with the five response cards
show some love help me understand
share an observation offer an alternate
perspective
and the wild card and when shared in a
sequence
they act as a back of pocket guide for
empathetic response
so let’s play out that scenario once
more but this time
your friend is the one having a bad day
and we are going to have a conversation
with her
using the response cards so she’s
walking around with her rbf
and you go up to her and say hey you
don’t look okay
on a talk she looks at you takes a deep
breath
and says life has been really stressful
lately man
i’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff
okay
so this is the first time your friend is
opening up to you
so chances are she’s a little nervous
maybe a little scared
but instead of downplaying her worries
you go
hey thanks for telling me i
didn’t know you were going through that
to be honest
there are days where i feel the same way
she looks at you and says
really and you say yeah life is hard you
you’re not alone the first response here
is show some love why do we start with
love
because acknowledging and appreciating
what we have in common
the humanity we share is the fastest way
to build trust in a conversation
when someone opens up to us it can feel
like the burden is on
us to make them feel better like we need
to fix their problems or offer a
solution
but often what feels best is simply
being heard
and validated then you ask
do you think you can help me understand
what exactly is it you’re going through
this second response is help me
understand the phrasing is deliberate
help me understand places the oscar in a
position of humility
and curiosity it takes away the
potential sting of a nosy question
and allows both you and your friend to
go deeper
in this case you’ve just created a space
for your friend to share more about her
situation
or she take you up on it your friend
bites the bullet and says
i just feel like i’m behind in life you
know
everyone else is getting jobs settling
down
but i don’t have clear goals like they
do
the only thing i enjoy is drawing
you look at your friend and say can i
share an observation
she nods and you go you always look so
happy whenever you draw you can do it
for hours and hours and you never get
tired
it’s amazing this third response is
share and observation
we observe things all the time shifts in
mood
tone body language but we rarely feel
comfortable enough
bringing it up this card says it’s fine
go ahead use the power of observation
for good
and in this scenario your friend didn’t
realize
how passionate drawing made her until
you pointed it out
wow you’re right it does energize me she
says
and you’re not but but i don’t know if i
can make a living with it she says
how can i sustain myself it’s never
going to work
when a conversation reaches this point
and starts spiraling
it can be so tempting for us to swoop in
and play savior nola it’s fine you can
do it
or eh i heard about this girl should you
are very good let me intro you
but often the best thing to do is to
offer
an alternate perspective this fourth
response
is usually grounded in personal
experience
without that it can come off as preachy
or fake
it’s a very fine line but when you
approach it right
it can be immensely powerful you reach
out
and hold your friend’s hand i don’t know
if i’ve ever told you this
but when my mom was younger she wanted
to be an interior designer
you share but in her time practicality
won over passion so she became a company
secretary instead
we don’t talk about it much but whenever
she redecorates our home
i see the same happiness in her that i
see in you
when you draw i’m not telling you what
you should or shouldn’t do
i just want you to know that as your
friend i will support you
no matter what and finally
we have reached the fifth and final
response
the wild card it’s exactly as its name
says
you can do whatever the situation calls
for
come on let’s go to the stationery store
you say
i know that always cheers you up
sometimes at the end of a conversation
you can feel like taking action on
something
but you’re not sure if you can having
the option
to go outside of the box allows you to
expand the possibilities of the
conversation
and your relationship this may be a
hypothetical scenario
but it mirrors our life more often than
you think
a too quiet classmate a rude colleague
a stressed out sibling every
conversation is an opportunity
for us to listen to hold space and to
offer an empathetic response
if we choose to we started this journey
with dinner parties but now the work
that we do
is used by thousands of people all
around the world
from classrooms to boardrooms to
bedrooms
creating safe spaces for real honest
authentic conversations to happen it is
fulfilling work
but i must confess tribal is the most
difficult thing i have ever had to do
not just because our vision is
totally scary and unheard of in
southeast asia
but because there is literally no room
for hypocrisy at all
we have to practice what we preach about
empathy and conversations
otherwise everything would just fall
apart
i guess that’s what you get when you
build a company with your best friend
boyfriend
and younger sister but i will tell you
the best thing that has come
out of this journey my relationships
i know that i can always turn to them if
i’m having a bad day
and they will shower me with empathy
until all is right with the world again
and they know i will always do the same
for them too
as we transition into a new decade i
invite you to think about your
relationships
and the depth of conversations you’re
having in a world of zoom calls and flex
picks
how might we create more intentional
spaces for connection
for vulnerability for empathy
just remember the next time you’re at a
loss of words
think of the five cards in the back of
your pocket
and always start with showing some love
thank you
you